


I won't let the darkness swallow us

by OneBoyz



Category: ONEUS
Genre: Accidents, Adopted Children, Adult Content, Angst, Brain Surgery, Doctor - Freeform, Fluff, M/M, Married Couple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:22:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 46,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26446279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneBoyz/pseuds/OneBoyz
Summary: Domestic bliss doesn't suit Seoho; he always finds something to be worried about. And Geonhak is determined to sponge away all of Seoho's anxiety.That is until something terrible happens that pushes Seoho and Geonhak to the edge of the cliff...
Relationships: Kim Geonhak | Leedo/Lee Seoho, Kim Youngjo | Ravn & Lee Keonhee, Son Dongju | Xion/Yeo Hwanwoong
Comments: 73
Kudos: 148





	1. Intro: Time

Seoho opens the fridge, a gust of cold air hitting him in the face. Just as always, there are two tiffin boxes sitting on the second shelf, neatly labelled Sunyul and Sunjae. Grabbing the two boxes, he hurriedly packs them into the two identical school bags, one red and one blue. The water bottles are filled and ready to be packed into the bags.

“Don’t forget the fruits.” He hears Geonhak's voice from the kids' room.

Of course, the fruits.

He finds the two boxes of peeled oranges and grapes sitting on top of the marble island and they go in with the water bottles. It’s amazing how Geonhak has the energy to do any of this after coming back from work. 

“Are you guys ready?” Seoho raises his voice. 

He needs to be a bit firm in the mornings because when Geonhak gets the twins ready, he fools around with them for ages unless Seoho keeps them in line. 

When they adopted Sunyul and Sunjae, Seoho really didn’t realise he was also adopting a third baby – Geonhak. Don’t get him wrong, Geonhak is great with the kids. When Seoho struggled with changing nappies or getting the right temperature of milk to feed the babies, Geonhak did it all. He was a natural, somehow. 

Somedays, Seoho would cry out of frustration because the twins would be crying and he wouldn’t know what they wanted or what would make them stop. He’d feed them, change them, surround them with their favourite toys, turn on the TV – but nothing would work. He would tear his hair, feeling guilty and thinking he wasn’t cut out for this; it wasn’t fair that he had adopted these children just to make them suffer. Those days, Geonhak would come, pick them up, coo at them with his deep but gentle voice. He would slowly take out a random toy block that was stuck underneath Sunyul’s shirt or put some baby powder on the heat rash on Sunjae’s chest and the babies would stop crying. He would then put them back in their cots and hum a lullaby, while holding onto Seoho’s waist as way of reassurance. 

Baby whisperer, that’s what Seoho would call Geonhak but in reality, he knows that Geonhak is just a better parent than he is. Now, three years later, Seoho has learnt a lot about being a father but he’s also learnt not to compete with Geonhak. He has his role, just as Geonhak has his.

He checks his watch again. “Right, you guys better get out here now, I’m going to count till five. One, two, three…” 

“We’re here!” the twins clamour, dragging Geonhak by his hands behind them. Thankfully, all three of them are appropriately dressed. There was a day when the twins had tried to put one of their T-shirts through Geonhak’s head and obviously got it stuck. He had to cut through the fabric to get his husband out. They were very late that day.

“Right, here’s your bag,” he hands the twins their backpacks.

“Heavy,” Sunyul groans.

“That’s because daddy has decided to make you two lunches,” Seoho says.

“Not two lunches, one is just a snack,” Geonhak clarifies, helping Sunjae with his bag.

“Okay,” Seoho takes a deep breath; this is the crucial part. “Sunyul, Sunjae, you have your bags and lunches. Daddy, do you have your work bag and cellphone?” he asks his husband.

Geonhak raises an eyebrow and smirks – Seoho may or may not have called Geonhak daddy under…different circumstances before, in their youth. Geonhak still finds it amusing.

“Yes, I do.”

“Great. I have my bag. I have my phone. Do we have the spare keys to the house?”

“We do,” Geonhak assures. 

“Okay, let’s head out team.” They reach the door when Seoho exclaims, “Car keys! I don’t have the car keys!”

“It’s fine, I have them,” Geonhak says calmly, smiling slightly. He probably thinks it's stupid how Seoho is having a mini breakdown over something so silly. “Honey, breathe, okay? We’re fine, and we will be fine.”

Out of embarrassment, Seoho picks up Sunyul, causing the younger to squeal with delight and Sunjae to ask Geonhak to pick him up too. The twins have this thing where they are super competitive over their parents' affection. 

Through the haze of chaos, they make it to the car and while Geonhak puts the twins in the seats and belt them in safely, Seoho starts up the car, practicing the breathing exercises. He hates mornings, they’re so hectic, and even though he plans and plans, there’s always a chance of something going wrong. 

“Hey sexy,” Geonhak whispers in Seoho’s ear, putting his seat belt on, causing Seoho to glare. Not in front of the kids! “You need to calm down. Nothing will happen, at least not while I’m here.”

He believes that, of course. Geonhak is like gravity, keeping everything in its rightful place. 

“Daddy, what does sexy mean?” Sunjae asks form the backseat. The twins have supernatural hearing, Seoho is sure of it.

He glares at Geonhak – he got them into this mess, he needs to sort it out.

“It means when someone is beautiful,” Geonhak says, suppressing a smile, “like your papa.”

“Is that why you married papa?” Sunyul chirps in.

“Yep, that is the one and only reason. He has a terrible personality.”

“What’s personality?”

This is the other thing the twins do these days – once they start asking questions, they keep asking on and on until they are distracted by something else. It can be tiring sometimes, but Seoho can’t help but smile a little while driving. They’ve managed to avoid the morning traffic by starting a bit early and they haven’t forgotten anything. It’s going to be a good day and he gets to watch Geonhak try and answer the twins’ question relay, which would go on for a very long time.

In fact, today, the questions only stop when they drop off the twins at kindergarten.

“Hyejin auntie is going to take you home after you finish,” Geonhak reminds them, kissing them on the cheek.

"Why does Hyejin auntie call herself Hwasa at the kindergarten?" Sunjae manages to squeeze in one last question.

“Why don't you ask her that?" Seoho comes to the rescue. "Bye sweeties, look after each other. Don’t fight.”

Hyejin is Geonhak’s older sister who also happens to be a teacher at the kindergarten. Since Geonhak and Seoho both have to work, she takes them to her place after they finish. It’s absolutely selfless of her to look after her nephews like this. She is such a blessing – Seoho would not have been comfortable leaving the twins to babysitters every single day.

“We really need to destress,” Geonhak says, taking a hold of Seoho’s other hand. What he means is Seoho needs to destress. It’s not like Geonhak doesn’t know how his coping mechanism is pretty much nonexistent and the stress just builds up until he explodes. They’ve been together for almost 10 years now. “What do you say we go away this weekend?”

“What will happen to the kids?”

“I’m sure Hyejin noona wouldn’t mind taking them in.”

“No,” Seoho shakes his head, “she already does so much for us, I don’t want to ruin her weekends too.”

Geonhak looks hurt. “She likes having them over.”

“It’s not that,” Seoho runs a hand over his eyes while they’re stuck at a traffic light. “She has her life too. Weekends are time for dates and meeting up with friends.”

“Right, we’ve not been on a date since…I don’t even remember our last date.”

“We don’t need dates, we have kids,” Seoho huffs. He feels the early embers of a headache brewing. “Our last date was 4 months ago, we went to watch that Hollywood movie that you hated.”

“Right, we need a date night.”

Seoho drives them to their usual parking spot. They both get out of the car and walk in through the glass doors into Seoul General Hospital. It is such a blessing that they work in the same place – he can’t even imagine the commute if he’d have to drop Geonhak off to a different place.

Just as their routine, they head to the cafeteria to get coffee – coffee for Seoho, Geonhak just drinks a yucky protein shake. How his husband gets through the day without coffee is still a mystery to Seoho. He reaches in his pocket to grab his wallet when he realizes that this morning, in fact, is not perfect. “I’ve left my wallet,” his face falls. “Argh, it was just on the bedroom counter, how could I forget it?” He all but slams his head down on the counter.

“Here,” Geonhak pays for their drinks with his phone. “This is why you should switch to mobile bank card. Who even carries around their wallet these days?”

At least he’s brought his ID card without which he wouldn’t be able to go anywhere, including using the staff lift. They get into the lift together, Geonhak presses 3 and 5. A few other people bundle in, mumbling sleepy greetings. They’ve probably woken up a lot later than them if they don’t have kids. Seoho is wide awake and in a very bad mood as he sips his coffee.

“Dr Kim!” a girl with short blonde hair smiles at Geonhak, fluttering her eyelashes at him. “How do you look younger every day?”

It’s obvious she’s trying to flirt with him but Seoho pays no heed apart from a slight grimace. Every medical professional thinks neurosurgeons are cool and one that looks like Geonhak would obviously draw attention. He’s too used to it.

“Good morning Dr Choi,” Geonhak replies, his face impassive. As much as he is brilliant with kids, he’s not the greatest at socializing with adults.

Seoho gets off on the 3rd floor. Geonhak says something but he can’t hear over the indistinct conversation of the other people around the lift. If it’s important, he’ll just text him. He trudges down the corridor, gulping down his bitter coffee, hoping his wallet is the only thing he’s forgotten today. 

As he enters his shared office, he can feel a sense of urgency in the air. People are running about, someone is on the phone, and there is way too much noise compared to other days at 8.30 am.

“What’s going on?” he asks Yuri, one of his colleagues.

“There was an emergency neuro case early this morning so Keonhee had to take the patient to theatre. Juyeon has called in sick, classic,” she rolls her eyes, “so now there’s no one to cover theatre 2.”

It sounds chaotic alright.

“Seoho, guys, we have Seoho!” the operations manager, Sanghyun, who was one of the people flying about earlier, puts his hands on Seoho’s shoulder with apparent glee. “Seoho can cover theatre 2!”

“Hang on, I’m supposed to be in pre-op clinic today,” Seoho reminds the haggard looking operations manager.

“It’s ok, we will merge it with Yuna’s clinic.”

“Hey,” Yuna protests but they all know there is no other way. 

Sanghyun makes a pleading face, his eyebrows drooping.

“Fine.” Seoho drops his bag off at his desk and goes up to the theatres to get changed. 

Once in scrubs, he heads over to theatre 2, feeling a bit squeamish. He doesn’t mind covering for his colleague but what he hates is an abrupt change to his day. He was mentally prepared for a morning pre-op clinic and afternoon recovery round – that’s what he was supposed to be doing. But all of a sudden, it’s all topsy-turvy and he needs time to swallow it, that’s all.

In the anaesthetic room, he runs into Changmin, the ODP. ODPs are basically the right-hand man for anaesthetists and Changmin is one of his favourites. He’s very efficient and funny. The best thing about him is though he takes no nonsense from the surgeons.

“We’re saved!” Changmin exclaims when he sees Seoho. “I thought they would just cancel this operation.”

“They can’t cancel, can they? It’s supposed to be urgent surgeries,” Seoho sighs.

“Did they drag you out of bed?”

“I was out. I was supposed to be clinic this morning. Anyway, who’s the surgeon?”

Changmin winks at him. “The charming Dr Kim.”

Seoho laughs. He actually hasn’t worked with Geonhak for a while now because of their schedules. At least, it won’t be an insufferable surgeon that would get on his nerves. Mind you, Geonhak, in typical surgeon fashion, can get on his nerves sometimes. But he knows he has to pay for it at home so he tries to watch his actions.

“I’m going to go and see the patient,” Seoho tells Changmin. “Are you okay here, need any help?” 

“I’m good.”

Taking a few more deep breaths, he heads towards the pre-op ward. At least he will be working with people he knows, Changmin and Geonhak. It will be perfectly fine. He hopes.


	2. Plastic flower

Geohak takes the last swig of his protein drink and heads towards the operating theatre. He’s already seen the patient he’s going to operate on. It’s a 25-year old girl with a nasty brain tumour that would require urgent resection. Hopefully, he’ll be able to take away enough of the tumour and none of the brain. Whenever it’s a young patient he’s operating on, he feels the extra pressure. He could change their lives forever. 

Unlike Seoho, however, he doesn’t take his work home. He doesn’t worry about patients or think about his clinic as much as he can. Once he returns home, all he likes to think about are his twins and Seoho. It’s not fair to his family – he already has a demanding job that eats into so much of his time and attention. The little time he does spend with his family, they should have his full attention.

He’s noticed how anxious Seoho has been in the past couple of weeks. By nature, Seoho is a worrier. What’s worse is he lets it all bottle up and then it erupts one day. Geonhak’s main job as his husband and his only support is to stop this from happening. It is like watching a science experiment and getting the fire extinguisher ready before it catches fire. It’s an aspect of Seoho he caught on to pretty early into their relationship. Which is why now he quickly makes a phone call to his sister, begging her to take the kids in for the weekend so that they can go on a trip.

“Of course, I’d love to have them,” Hyejin assures him. 

“Thanks, Seoho was just worried that you’d have other plans…”

“Look, you guys need the time together. And I don’t mind spending time with my adorable nephews. So book your holiday without worrying about anything.”

His spirits lifted, he enters the operating theatre. The scrub nurses are getting all the equipment ready, setting up the room. He’s heard something about his anaesthetist having to do an emergency surgery overnight although he has been promised that they would find him a replacement. He is a bit picky about who he works with, especially since the surgeries he does are very critical. He greets the scrub nurses before poking his head into the adjacent anaesthetic room. The ODP is checking the ventilator attentively.

“Did we manage to get an anesthetist?”

Changmin looks up, smiling at him. “We sure did. He’s gone to see the patient.”

“Great! Who is it?”

“Your other half,” Changmin gives him a toothy grin. 

That’s a nice surprise. He likes working with Seoho because he trusts him with all his life. Even in medical school, Seoho was the kind of student you’d admire and envy. He was a senior at medical school and Geonhak had looked up to him; everyone had. Among his anesthetist colleagues, Seoho is well-renowned and surgeons are always begging to work with him. Surgery is like a partnership – if you have the right surgeon and the right anaesthetist and they get along, you always win.   
However, he also knows Seoho doesn’t like changes in his routine so him being dragged from clinic to cover theatre duty may have put him in a bad mood. He’ll work on it later, when they get home.

Once Seoho arrives, he winks at him encouragingly and gets a dry smile in return. They are a pretty well-known couple around the hospital, so Geonhak takes his liberty with occasional flirting with his husband in front of others. 

“Shall we start?” he asks Seoho, giving his hand a quick squeeze. 

When Seoho nods, they start the initial debrief, where the theatre team introduce themselves and their roles. It’s always important to know who they are working with and promotes teamwork. 

“Alright, introductions,” he calls out. “I’m Kim Geonhak, surgeon.”

“Choi Chanhee, assisting surgeon.”

“Ryujin, scrub nurse.”

“Mijoo, runner.”

“Seoho, anaesthetist.”

“Ji Changmin, ODP.”

“Right,” Geonhak rubs his hands together. He’s got a veteran team behind him so it should all go smoothly. “It should take about 8 hours, so we’ll finish late since we’ve had delay starting. We’ll break at 1pm for lunch, how does that sound?”

There is general consensus in the room and Geonhak notices Seoho is already on his second cup of coffee. 

“Seoho, is someone going to relieve you for break?” he asks.

He shrugs. “Should do, probably Yuna once her clinic finishes.” 

“Okay, let’s get this started.”

Seoho and Changmin head to the anaestehtic room where they will put the patient to sleep and do their necessary bits to keep the patient alive while Geonhak drills into her head and removes a tumour that’s latching onto her brain.

“Do you want some music, boss?” Chanhee queries. 

“Not if you’re singing,” Geonhak jokes. Chanhee has been his junior doctor for 5 years now; he’s pretty much his protégé. They have a great working relationship and he is fun to tease. He is a tall man with delicate features, who unfortunately happens to have what others would call a ‘resting bitch face’, which he finds quite amusing.

They joke around for a bit and then go through the patient’s CT scans again while they wait for the anaesthetic team to do their bit. Geonhak quizzes Chanhee on the patient’s scan – he gets most of it tright. Very soon, Chanhee would be able to operate by himself.

“We’re ready,” Changmin announces after 45 minutes and they wheel the patient in, now asleep, breathing with a tube down their throat with the help of the ventilator. 

Once they are happy and all the necessary checks have been done, Geonhak lets Chanhee make the first cut on the patient’s scalp. Dark red blood starts flowing. This is the least interesting bit of the surgery where they cut through scalp tissue, muscle, and finally drill through bone to actually get to the tumour. His assistant is qualified to do all that by himself. Geonhak just hangs back and watches. 

He steals a look at Seoho, who’s standing in front of the monitor, filling in his chart. When Seoho concentrates, deep furrows appear between his brows and his tongue sticks out ever so slightly, just like now. He looks adorable. 

Chanhee works through it quickly and skillfully, making Geonhak proud. Once the first layer of the brain becomes visible, he joins in. This is where they have to be patient and careful. Diligently, they make their way through the layers, loosening the body of the tumour from the rest of the brain.

A couple of hours pass by without him noticing. The whispered chatter in the room comes to him as if through a veil. The door opens a few times, people come in and go. He takes no interest in any of them, until he hears a familiar voice, who’s just entered the operating room to speak to Seoho. It’s Youngjo, an ICU consultant that he and Seoho know very well. He is a good friend that he met through Seoho. But for some reason, Youngjo talks to Seoho in suppressed voice and there is only one thing that Geohak picks up.

“…Hyojin hyung is coming back to work…”

He almost drops the scalpel but his lightning reflexes stop him from doing so. That name sends a wave of electricity through his body. He takes a deep breath in and out, pushing away the thought for now.

“Shall we break for lunch now?” Chanhee calls out after a good 4 hours into the operation, straightening his back. “I’m starving.”

“Now is a good time as any,” Geonhak agrees. “Okay, team, lunch.”

They all sigh with relief and get out of their surgical gowns and gloves as quickly as they can. Seoho is still sat at the head of the patient, doing a sudoku.

“When’s Yuna coming to relieve you?”

Seoho checks the time on the monitor. 

“Probably in an hour or so. She should be finishing up in clinic now, then she’ll have some lunch.”

Unfortunately the anaesthetist needs to stay with the patient even though everyone else is free to go. 

“Should I get you something from the cafeteria?” Geonhak places a hand on Seoho’s neck, massaging it slightly. He could feel the knots in his muscle.

“Espresso please, double shot.”

He watches him worriedly. “Are you okay?” He doesn’t want to bring up what he has heard, not now anyway.

Seoho gives him a bleak smile. 

“Of course, I’m okay. I’m not weak like the surgeons.”

Geonhak bends down a little so that he can whisper in his ears, “You’re not weak, you just make me weak.” 

It makes Seoho giggle, which in turn makes Geonhak’s heart flutter. Some of their friends don’t believe that their romance is still alive well into 10 years of their relationship but the truth is, Seoho can still make him feel like a teenager in love. 

“Right, I’ll get you your espresso. And a sandwich.”

“I want a latte,” Changmin adds.

“I’ll get you your latte but if you ever call surgeons mean again…”

He could have asked him about what Youngjo had to say but he doesn’t feel it is the right time. He should wait till they are back home. They both need to concentrate on their work and whatever Youngjo had to say could be a distraction.

At the cafeteria, he runs into people he knows and has to chat with them briefly to be polite. Even though he has worked with these people for a long time, he feels shy to open up to them. He only has a handful of close friends that he can be himself with. It’s not something he chooses to do, it’s just how he is. 

Seoho is not that extroverted either but at least he’s better than him. If they hadn’t been unintentionally set up by their friends in the final year of medical school, they probably wouldn’t have even been friends either.

“Hyung!” he hears an excited voice that is followed by a pair of arms around his waist. He turns around to find a slender young man with a bright smile. Dongju is probably his most favourite juniors at this hospital. He’s known him since medical school and is almost like a younger brother to him. “Let’s have lunch together!”

“It has to be quick, Dongju, I’ve left an open brain at the operating table.”

“Argh, that makes me queasy.” Dongju is accompanied by Hwanwoong, another of his more favoured juniors. They are both doctors who work at the emergency department.

“Surely you see worse than that in the emergency department,” Geonhak rolls his eyes but Hwanwoong just makes a face as if he’s eaten something bad.

They sit down together at a smaller table. Dongju complains about how he’s working the weekend while Hwanwoong brags that he has a blind date.

“With whom?” Dongju asks sharply.

“It’s a blind date, I don’t know, do I?” Hwanwoong takes a satisfied bite of his chicken.

It’s hilarious because Dongju and Hwanwoong play this strange game where they pretend to not be interested in each other when everyone else around them can clearly see that they’re pretty much a married couple. Geonhak really doesn’t know why they do it but if it goes on for another year, he’ll take matters into his own hand and sit them down and clear it all up. And by clearing up he means he will lock them in a room until they kiss. 

But watching them makes him realise how frustrating it must have been for his and Seoho’s friends to watch them innocently flirt and fight, without either of them having the courage to ask the other out. Thankfully, Seoho had finally burst, confessing his love for him. Geonhak was so happy that he had picked him off the floor and turned in a few circles. 

“What are you doing over the weekend?” Dongju loses interest in Hwanwoong and turns to face Geonhak.

“Romantic getaway,” he says, chewing his sandwich. “I mean I have yet to plan it because I just decided on it this morning.”

“Aww,” Dongju coos happily, glaring at Hwanwoong for some reason. “Good to see romance is not dead.”

“It’s only dead for you, Dongju-ah,” Hwanwoong states and is repaid by a loud slap to his arm. “You know, I expect this kind of romantic gestures from Youngjo hyung – he spoils Keonhee so much. I feel like they celebrate their anniversary monthly. But I never took you for the romantic type,” Hwanwoong comments, chewing his food slowly. 

Youngjo is indeed over-the-top romantic, to the point where even Keonhee rolls his eyes sometimes. Apparently, he proposed to Keonhee three times, even though he had said yes the very first time.

“Just because I’m not rubbing it everyone’s faces…”

“Is it your anniversary?”

Geonhak shakes his head. “Not yet, but Seoho has been stressed lately.”

All of a sudden, the mood shifts. Hwanwoong clears his throat meaningfully and receives a glare from Dongju in return. It’s obvious that they were talking about something that they are trying to keep from Geonhak and it involves Seoho. It’s probably what Youngjo came to tell him earlier today…

“What’s going on guys?” he finally asks gravely. “Quickly now, I have to go back.”

“It’s just-” Hwanwoong stops because Dongju is shaking his head vehemently.

“You know I will find out.”

They both sigh. “It’s just…Hyojin hyung is coming back to work.”

“I heard.” He tries to keep his tone casual but his sandwich tastes like cardboard all of a sudden and he’s tired of chewing. Even though he heard Youngjo say it, he was hoping he heard wrong. “Anyway, I’ll get going now, you guys enjoy lunch.”

“It will be fine, hyung,” he hears Dongju shout behind him.

It’s not a big deal, he thinks, as he trudges up to the theatre. He really shouldn’t be phased by this news; he reckoned the hospital would hire him back. After all, he’s a renowned Intensive Care doctor and the hospital didn’t know the whole story. The real question is how Seoho feels about it.

When he returns to the operating theatre, Seoho is still sat there, poring over his sudoku.

He hands him his coffee and sandwich.

“Yuna?”

“No show,” Seoho sighs. “I might just have to eat in the anaestehtic room, Changmin will keep an eye on the monitors.”

He realises he has forgotten Changmin's latte. He was distracted by Dongju and Hwanwoong of course. 

“Go on,” he says encouragingly. “I’ll shout if something starts beeping.”

Putting down the papers in his lap, he stands up, as Changmin slides into his seat.

“Don’t just drink the coffee, eat,” Geonhak says, kissing him on the cheek. That’s something he normally doesn’t do in front of other people but today, he just wants Seoho to know he’s there for him.


	3. Blue Sky

Seoho reads Yuna’s apology text while he eats his sandwich – something about clinic running late and then she had to go pick up her kids. He checks the time – Sunyul and Sunjae should be home by now.

They are probably playing or doing homework – depends on Hyejin’s mood. He loves his job but he also hates that he misses out on so much of his kids’ life. The other day, Hyejin sent them a video of the twins singing along to a pop song. Sometimes, when it gets too much for him, he thinks about quitting his job to be at home with his kids. But those moments of madness don’t last very long and Geonhak is always there to pull him out of the shadows of his mind.

Washing down his sandwich with his fourth cup of coffee, he returns to the operating room. Everything looks calm. Changmin is dozing off in his chair. He relieves the younger, asking him to get coffee. This is going to go on for a long time it seems.

The hours just pass by. He finishes another sudoku, then starts reading a book on his iPad, occasionally checking on the patient. Someone once described anaesthesia as the life of a pilot to him – the take-off and landing are the tricky parts, the rest of it is mostly smooth sailing, unless turbulence hits. Today, it’s been all smooth sailing and he has been on autopilot.

The atmosphere in the theatre is peaceful. Geonhak is explaining something to Chanhee and the scrub nurse, Ryujin, is laughing quietly at a joke someone just cracked when he hears a faint beeping noise. His eyes lock on the monitor – the patient’s heart rate is going up. 

Frowning, he increases the speed of the fluid going in through her veins and adds some pain medications. He turns the alarm off but watches the monitor with hawk eyes. The heart rate doesn’t settle and the blood pressure starts going down. He quickly injects the necessary medication and sends off an urgent blood test. Something is wrong – it can’t be just pain.

“I think she might be bleeding,” he says but no one really pays attention. This is a very technical part of the surgery so Geonhak and Chanhee are in full attention. Once the blood result comes back, he knows for sure that the patient is bleeding.

“She’s bleeding guys, you need to stop,” he urges, asking Changmin to order extra blood.

“She’s not,” Chanhee chimes back confidently.

“She definitely is,” Seoho says, calmly but more assertively.

“We can’t see anything,” Chanhee says stubbornly. Despite Chanhee being quite a capable surgeon himself, he can be extremely obstinate and thick-headed at times.  
“Look, I don’t know where she is bleeding from but her haemoglobin is down to 70, her blood pressure is in the boots, and her heart rate is fast – she’s definitely bleeding and you need to stop now.” He can see Chanhee shaking his head. When his words have no effect, he raises his voice, “Geonhak, you need to stop!”

“I can’t stop now. Besides I can’t literally see any blood. Just transfuse one unit of blood, why don’t you?” Geonhak replies.

At this moment, they are not a married couple. They are a surgeon and an anaesthetist at opposite ends of the rope.

“I am going to transfuse blood but she’s going to need more and more if you don’t stop the bleeding.” Sometimes surgeons can be so daft and so selfish. He’s struggling to save her life here. “Stop now, and give me some time to fix her.”

“The only way to fix her is to finish this surgery,” Geonhak growls back.

“No, that would kill her.” Seoho throws his hands up in the air in frustration. “Can you for a second stop being a bullheaded surgeon and listen to me?”

“Honestly Seoho, you’re obviously missing what’s at stake here, she could become blind!”

For a second, he loses the words to say because is Geonhak even thinking? She could go blind? She could be dead!

The blood arrives and he and Changmin quickly sets it up. He injects more drugs to keep her heart pumping blood. He looks over the container that is connected to the suction – it’s brimming with blood, coming from the open wound.

“Geonhak you asshole, your brilliant assistant is suctioning off all the blood which is why you can’t see any – look!” 

He points towards the container and perhaps because he’s never cursed at Geonhak, the surgeon takes a moment to turn to look at the blood in the container.

“Oh shit!” he finally exclaims. “Chanhee, quick, we need to find the bleeding point.”

After a very rocky 30 minutes during which everything is touch-and-go, the two surgeons manage to stop the bleeding while Seoho has to keep the patient alive and perfusing her body. Once things stabilize, they finish up removing the rest of the tumour. Thankfully, the rest of the surgery goes smoothly.

By the time the patient wakes up from the anaesthesia, it’s past 11pm. Seoho hands her over to the recovery staff and makes his way to the changing room, exhausted. He pulls his scrub top over his head, yawning despite the four coffees he’s had. 

“I feel like you’re becoming immune to coffee,” Changmin comments. He’s changed into his normal clothes, with a bag over his shoulder. 

“Tell me about it.”

“Anyway, it took way too long and the patient almost died and the surgeons didn’t believe you! So tell your significantly worse half thanks for nothing. He even forgot my latte.”

“See you, Changmin, thanks for the help.” Seoho waves at him. All he wants to do right now is lie in his bed and get some sleep.

He doesn’t bother with his shirt and just puts his arms through his jacket, zipping it up all the way. He quickly changes into his trousers and sits down to tie his shoelaces when he feels a presence behind him.

“I’m sorry,” Geonhak’s warm voice rings in his ears. “I know I’m an idiot, forgive me?”

“You are an idiot,” Seoho confirms. He’s not so eager to forgive his husband. It’s not like he was asking him to listen to him because they’re married – he was simply asking the surgeon to trust the anaesthetist. “You know I’m a bloody good anaesthetist.”

“I know.” Geonhak nuzzles into his neck, tickling him slightly. “Hence I’m the idiot.”

“You’re driving,” Seoho huffs. It’s not over yet but he’s too tired to quarrel. 

“I’ll drive you to the end of the world if you want.”

“Just drive me home!”

He does feel bad for making Geonhak drive – he’s had a long day too and had performed a critical surgery, he must be exhausted. 

“Just swap with me when we get to Hyejin noona’s,” he says grudgingly, putting on his seatbelt. The drive from Hyejin’s flat to theirs is only ten minutes but at least it’s something. "Did you tell your protege not to be so pig-headed in the future?"

"I told Chanhee that if he's ever mean to my husband again, I will drop him off from the 12th floor."

Scowling, Seoho elbows him, causing him to yelp.

"Ok fine, I told him to listen to anaesthetists because they save your skin all the time. Don't worry," Geonhak tries to put his hands around his waste but Seoho slips away, "he will never do that again."

They pick up the twins, who look exhausted, probably because it’s well past their bedtime already. While they drive them home, Geonhak asks them about what they’ve done in school and what did they have for dinner. 

It’s a slice of heaven, hearing the twins talk about their day with enthusiasm. Despite the day he’s had, he feels at peace, finally.

At home, while Seoho takes a shower, Geonhak helps the twins to change into their pajamas. He can hear them chatting away, talking about insignificant things. The same Geonhak is awkward around adults and has difficulty holding conversations – he fascinates him. 

“Come on now, it’s bedtime,” Seoho says, picking Sunjae up while he giggles and makes an effort to get out of his arms. “Both of you.”

“Why does papa never let us stay up late?” Sunyul wonders loudly.

“Because papa’s the fun police.” Geonhak picks Sunyul up as well and they put the twins in their bed. While they’re tucking them in, Geonhak tries to hold his hand but Seoho swats it away because he’s still annoyed with him.

“Goodnight, my angels,” he says softly, kissing them both on their cheeks. 

“Goodnight, papa,” they chorus back.

“Go to bed,” Geonhak tells him. He’s obviously going to spend some more time with the kids, that’s just how he is. 

As he makes his way to their bedroom, he can hear Sunyul asking Geonhak, “Is papa mad at you?”

Geonhak laughs and replies, “It’s because I’ve been naughty today. But don’t worry, he can never stay mad at me for long.”

Even though Geonhak can’t see him, he makes a face. There is some truth in that, of course. They had their fair share of fights and arguments – no one can blame them after almost 10 years together but they never really fight for long. It’s mainly because Geonhak hates unresolved issues so no matter how hard it is, he’d approach Seoho and sort things out. Even though Geonhak appears intimidating and can be quite stubborn sometimes, he’s quite the gentleman. 

“Sweetheart,” Geonhak plops down in the bed next to him, the mattress creaking under his weight. “I’m sorry about today.”

Seoho pulls the blanket all the way up to his chin.

“Come on, you can’t hold it against me.”

He remains quiet and shuts his eyes.

“I’ve got a surprise for you.”

Nice try, he thinks. He won’t give in that easily.

“Hyejin noona is going to look after the kids this weekend.”

Seoho’s eyes fly open and he turns to look at his husband.

“Why?” he asks sharply.

“Because we,” Geonhak wraps an arm around him lovingly, “are going away on a romantic trip.”

It’s so absurd that Seoho gapes at him.

“What are we, 16, 26? Romantic trip? We’re adults with kids, responsibilities!” He can’t help but raise his voice a little. He can’t believe that his very sensible husband would suggest something so immature. 

Geonhak clicks his tongue impatiently. 

“No, Seoho, this is the problem, you see. We keep putting things away because we have kids now. Just because we’re parents doesn’t mean we’re not a couple anymore. We’re allowed a romantic break once in a while as long as we make sure the kids are well looked after.”

He doesn’t know what to say in reply because Geonhak is actually making sense. It’s true that he has a responsibility towards his husband as well as his kids, one that he probably has been ignoring. A display of affection towards your life partner is in no way a bad thing. 

Snuggling closer to him, Geonhak rests his face in the crook of his neck and says quietly, “We love our kids and we’re always showing them how much we love them. Let me show you how much I love you, please.”

“You don’t have to prove to me-” Seoho’s voice breaks. 

All of his emotions attack him at the same time. He thinks about how much he loves his twins and how much he loves Geonhak and how he feels he’s not good enough for any of them. In an ideal world, he’d be able to do so much more for them. He works so hard to try and be perfect but he’s not even close. Besides, ever since he spoke to Youngjo today, he has been overcome with nervousness. It's silly, it's stupid, he's a grown man who shouldn't fear anything but he can't help but feel powerless. He doesn't want to worry his husband and he thinks it's stupid to complain about it to him - he should be able to handle this himself!

Pulling his body closer to his, Geonhak presses a soft kiss to his neck. “Lee Seoho, stop overthinking. I’m here and I will always be here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone wants to interact anonymously feel free to do so: https://curiouscat.me/SavedBoyz  
> If you want to just scream about seodo together ...


	4. Stand By

Geonhak is excited for the weekend. He’s booked them into a luxury spa hotel in a small town just outside Seoul. He’s also picked out a hike trail and an afternoon of mountain biking. The hotel provides a personal hot tub so they can go for a soak after all the activities. It sounds perfect! Just the kind of getaway they would both enjoy. 

It’s two days till the weekend and he can’t contain his excitement. It reminds him of the first trip he went on with Seoho. They had only been dating for a month when they went on a camping trip. He was so shy at first, even though they were dating. But they stayed up the night because there were too many mosquitoes in their tent and it was too hot. They ended up talking all night, surrounded by fireflies, and when the sun finally rose, they shared their first kiss. It was just as romantic as he could have hoped for it to be. 

He wakes up as his alarm goes off, quickly turning it off. He doesn’t want Seoho to wake up just yet. He could get the kids ready and prepare their lunch – Seoho could sleep in until then. Normally Seoho is an early riser, which is why he is extra careful as he gets out of the bed, taking care to not make too much noise. He creeps into the kitchen and starts on lunch for the twins. 

When he is done, his next destination is the kids’ bedroom. They are both fast asleep, tucked into their blankets. Sunjae’s mouth is hanging open slightly, while Sunyul has an arm around Sunjae’s waist. The sight fills his heart.

“It’s time to wake up, my angels,” he whispers in their ears, pulling the blanket off them. 

There are some movements but they don’t open their eyes.

“Who wants to wake up first? If you wake up first, you’ll get an extra strawberry.”

It works on Sunjae, who loves strawberries. He opens an eye to look for strawberry.

“Sunjae’s up, Sunyul, if you don’t wake up the tickle monster will find you!”

Sunyul turns over in bed instead – he is the harder to wake up between the two.

“Here comes the tickle monster,” he warns before launching into a tickle attack. Sunjae joins in, giggling.

Sunyul groans, moans, and then finally giggles, opening his eyes.

“There he is!” 

He takes them to the bathroom, lines their toothbrushes with toothpaste and hands them their own. He watches them brush their teeth, Sunyul’s eyes still half open and they all sing the ‘brushing teeth’ song. What he has found as a parent that kindergarten kids these days have a song for everything – they even have a song for tying shoelaces. He doesn’t mind flexing his vocals from time to time but his favourite is when Seoho joins in. He has an angelic voice that Geonhak could listen to all day, even if he is singing just children’s songs.

Funnily enough, the first time they met was at a karaoke. 

Geonhak was in the 4th year of medical school and Seoho was in his final year. They were both single so their friends were trying to set them up, not with each other but with different people. In fact, they were supposed to be set up with two girls from the dental school. Geonhak had never spoken to his friends about his preferences at that point and he didn’t feel comfortable coming out to them, so he just quietly accepted it, more to shut his friends up than anything else. His plan was to go on a date with the girl and tell his friends later that they just didn’t click. 

Seoho didn’t really have a preference at all and had agreed to a blind date because of his curiosity. They were texted by their friends the places where they would meet their dates. By some turn of fate, they received texts telling them to go to the same karaoke room, which was a mistake on the part of their friends.   
He was surprised to find Seoho, who was most definitely not a girl. He was partly worried, wondering if he had somehow been outed to his friends. If Seoho was surprised, he didn’t show it. It was awkward at first, so Geonhak suggested that they sing; in that way they wouldn’t have to sit in the dimly lit room and stare at each other in apparent embarrassment.

Seoho had picked an English pop song to sing, Bruno Mars’ Talking to the Moon. For those 3 minutes and 38 seconds, Geonhak had listened with rapt attention, breathless from how beautiful Seoho’s voice was. He believes that he fell in love at that moment. He was attacked by a fierce desire and he knew he would have to make Seoho his. However, Seoho was not so forthcoming. His response towards Geonhak was lukewarm. Later, he told him that he was too shy and Geonhak’s intense gaze and powerful build made him fear him. 

“My teeth are the shiniest,” Sunyul claims, having finished first.

“No, mine!” Sunjae hollers.

“Noooo!” Sunyul screams, displeased. 

“Daddy!” Sunjae appeals to Geonhak, hoping he would settle this competition.

“Actually, my teeth are the shiniest!” He bends down and bares his teeth, showing his children. “You can have shiny teeth like me if you keep brushing regularly.”  
“But papa says it’s okay to not brush your teeth for a day.”

Geonhak tries not to make a face – he respects Seoho’s philosophy but he hopes he won’t pass them onto their children, especially not this one.   
“Papa is only joking, he doesn’t mean it. If you don’t brush your teeth, evil bugs will come and make their houses in between your teeth. They’ll all turn black and fall off!”

They both scream loudly and he grabs them, lifting them off the floor, as their screams turn to laughter. 

“Shall we go and wake up papa?”

“Yes!”

He carries them, one under each arm, into his bedroom, where Seoho is fast asleep. He drops them gently onto the bed and they make their way to Seoho, grabbing his cheeks.

“Papa, wake up!” they call out.

Seoho cracks open an eye and smiles.

“Did Sunyul and Sunjae wake up before me today?”

“We did,” they chorus together. Seoho turns towards them and puts his arms around them, pulling them closer. Sunjae quickly settles into Seoho’s chest.

“You boys did really well.”

“Daddy did well as well!” Sunyul chirps. 

Obviously the kids don’t really have favourites but Geonhak has noticed that Sunyul tends to be a fervent advocate for him, whereas Sunjae is probably closer to Seoho. 

When the twins were younger and were just learning to talk, one of the first words in Sunjae’s vocabulary was ‘mine’ and he liked to use it liberally for Seoho. Every time he saw Geonhak kiss Seoho or hug him or put his arm around him, Sunjae would throw a fit, holding onto Seoho and screaming, “Papa, mine!” It got better over the time but even now, he has a slightly better connection with Seoho whereas Sunyul just naturally gravitates towards Geonhak slightly more.

“Did you guys have breakfast yet?”

“No.”

“Why don’t you let daddy fix you some breakfast while I get ready for work?”

It’s noticeable that Seoho is avoiding speaking to him directly. It’s probably because he is still angry from last night. Before he can say anything about it though, Sunyul speaks up.

“Papa, will you forgive daddy for being naughty? He’s very sorry.”

It surprises Geonhak how Sunyul picks up on it and remembers their fight from last night, sensing that something is still not right. Perhaps it’s because Seoho is normally warmer towards him or the fact that he has not complimented him even though Sunyul has highlighted his achievement this morning. Whatever it is, Sunyul is a perceptive kid, more than his age. And he has taken it upon himself to fix the relationship of his fathers – it’s adorable.

“I am very sorry indeed,” Geonhak adds, hoping his husband would forgive him. He hates it when Seoho is mad at him, it causes him physical pain.

“Daddy, come here,” Sunyul pulls at his shirt so he has no choice but to get into the bed, sandwiching the twins between him and Seoho.

“Why don’t we always sleep like this?” Sunjae muses. He looks very comfortable being spooned by Seoho.

“Because you guys have grown up so much, this bed is too small for all of us.” 

“You have no plushies to sleep with,” Sunjae notices glumly.

“That’s because I have your papa to cuddle with,” Geonhak says, watching Seoho blush slightly.

“Daddy, you should kiss papa so that he’s not mad at you anymore,” Sunyul suggests gravely. He is determined to make them resolve their issues – it is like couple’s therapy from a 3-year old.

“You guys will be late for sch-” 

Before Seoho can finish, Geonhak raises his head, hovers his upper body over the kids, and places a kiss on his cheek to the utter delight of Sunyul. Encouraged by his giggles, Geonhak plants another kiss, this time on the side of his lips, then another one on his lips. He litters his face with kisses while Sunyul claps and shouts, “One more! One more!”

Finally, Seoho pushes him away, saying, “Okay, okay, I forgive you. Now can we please get dressed and have breakfast? We will be so late.”

Back to his bossy self, Seoho shoos them to the dining room to have breakfast. 

The twins jump out of bed and run towards the kitchen. Before Geonhak leaves the bed, he kisses his husband on the mouth again, dragging his teeth across his bottom lip, and watching Seoho’s eyes flutter close. When he is about to insert his tongue into his mouth, he feels Seoho’s hand against his chest, pushing him away.  
“Honestly, we are going to be so late!”

Laughing, he follows the twins to the kitchen where they are trying to get a box of cereal down from the shelves. He helps them with their breakfast and tucks into a bowl of porridge. Seoho comes out from their bedroom, fully dressed, and joins them. 

“Why don’t I drop off the kids today? I’m on night duty so I’ll probably just go in for a couple of hours, then pick them up when school finishes. You can go straight to work.”

Being on night duty means he can be called at any time during the night if urgent surgery is needed for someone. Therefore, he won’t have any operating to do during the day.

“That’s not a bad idea,” Seoho agrees. “Please don’t get distracted and take them to kindergarten on time.”

Contrary to what Seoho believes, Geonhak is good at time management. Yes, sometimes, he can lose track of time when he is with the kids but that is by no means because he is sloppy.

“We will be on time, shining and sparkling, ready to impress, I promise,” he assures his husband.

After seeing Seoho off, he gets the twins dressed, packs their lunches, and even has time to tie a tiny ponytail in Sunyul’s hair as per his request.

He drives them to the kindergarten and instead of just dropping them off, parks his car, and takes them all the way to their homeroom. It’s not everyday he gets the opportunity to do this but since he has some time on his hands today, he wants to do everything he can. Sometimes he does feel bad that Sunyul and Sunjae spend more time with his sister than them because both he and Seoho have such demanding jobs. But he tries to make up for it whenever he can. Like today, Sunyul wants a ride on his shoulder all the way to the classroom, which he is happy to comply with, while holding Sunjae’s hand tightly.

When they reach the classroom, Sunyul and Sunjae run in to greet their friends. It warms his heart to watch them so happy among their peers. It is short-lived however as he feels a sharp pain in his ear.

“Noona, you can’t pinch my ear like this, I’m not a kid anymore!”

His older sister, Hyejin, rolls her eyes, pinching his ear a bit more.

“You’re late.”

Rubbing his red, painful ear, he says, “I was parking the car. You know how hard it is to find a spot?”

“Where’s Seoho?”

“He went to work. I am on night duty today, so I thought I’d bring them to school.”

Placing her hands on her hips, Hyejin fixes him with a disapproving glare.

“I knew it, if Seoho was on the case, you’d never be late.”

“Hey, I’m your own brother, remember?”

“Kim Geonhak you’re lucky you met a man like Seoho. Actually, you’re lucky Seoho decided he wanted to have anything to do with a man like you.”

Sometimes he thinks Hyejin just enjoys scolding him. Even when they were younger, he was disciplined more often by his sister than his parents. But she is also fiercely protective. Once he got into a fight with older kids at school and Hyejin did not hold back – he scolded the older kids until their ears bled and threatened to beat them up if they ever laid hands on her baby brother again.

“I do agree with you on that,” he mutters. “But I bring something to the table too, ok?”

“What, disappointment?”

“Noona! Don’t you have a class to teach?” He was not expecting to be attacked like this so early in the morning, much less by his own sister.

“I have a bone to pick with you,” Hyejin glares at him. “What have you been telling the twins? Sunyul called one of the girls in class sexy,” she whispers furiously.

“What? He didn’t learn that kind of language from me.”

“He said you told him it means beautiful.”

“Oh.” Geonhak scratches his head, embarrassed. He said it when he was caught by the twins complimenting Seoho. He didn’t expect them to remember the word ‘sexy’ and actually use it. “If you must know, I was using that kind of language with my husband which is perfectly-”

“I guessed.” Hyejin hits him across the chest, angling her body so that the kids in the class do not catch a glimpse of them. “You need to be more careful what you tell them, kids are very impressionable.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. Won’t happen again.”

Hyejin rolls her eyes. She has a talent in it.

“By the way, thanks for agreeing to look after the kids this weekend.”

“Have you decided where you’re going?” Hyejin’s eyes light up suddenly.

“Well, not too far away because Seoho would freak out. But I’ll plan some fun activities, like hiking and maybe swimming.”

“Of course, and make sure you have some fun activities in your hotel room too, with your sexy husband,” Hyejin winks at him with a meaningful smile.

“Noona, seriously!” he blushes. His older sister alluding to sexy times with his husband is just as embarrassing as he expected it to be. “Just go and be an adult.” He pushes her towards the classroom and legs it towards the car park before she can say anything else.

He drives to the hospital and does a ward round with his team. He sees all the patients he has operated on this week, all healthier than they were before, recuperating smoothly. They shake his hand and thank him; he waves them off, saying it’s his job. He then buys his team coffee for working so hard. He finishes off a bit of paperwork. It’s all routine.

When it’s time to pick up the kids, he decides to swing by Seoho’s office to see him before he leaves. Just thinking about his husband puts a smile on his face.

Seoho is his everything.


	5. Now

“I can’t Sanghyun, I told you. Geonhak is on night duty tonight too.”

The operations manager is standing in front of him, looking like he is on the verge of tears. The ops manager has a difficult job – trying to make sure there is adequate staff cover everywhere, every day. It is grueling and involves a lot of negotiation. But Sanghyun is good at his job.

Today Sanghyun has approached him because they don’t have a consultant anaesthetist cover for the night duty and he is begging Seoho to cover it. Night duty is not bad – you only get called if there is an urgent surgery that the junior anaesthetist cannot handle. 

On any other day, he would have said yes but tonight, Geonhak is also on night duty. If there is an urgent neurosurgery case, both he and Geonhak would be called out to the hospital, which means the twins would be left alone at home. This is why they have let staffing know that they cannot put them on night duty on the same days because they have childcare.

“If there was anyone else, I’d be in front of them, I promise,” Sanghyun pleads. “There is literally no one else I can move or change to cover tonight.”

“Come on, Seoho, don’t give Sanghyun hyung grief,” Juyeon shouts from his desk.

“Do it, Seoho-ah,” Yuna coaxes. They all want him to say yes so that they don’t have to do it instead.

Sighing, Seoho nods. Sanghyun knows Seoho gives in eventually. As much as he hates it, he can’t say no. There is a chance that there would be no urgent surgeries overnight, in which case it would be all fine. But if there is one…

There is a knock on the door and Geonhak pokes his head through the door.

“Am I interrupting something?”

Seoho waves him in. 

“I’ve just been changed to night duty,” he explains to his husband defeatedly.

“Just for one night,” Sanghyun says quickly. “I love you guys, I’m seriously going to buy you an expensive present. Thank you Seoho,” Sanghyun reels off, before running away so that Seoho can’t change his mind.

“It’s ok,” Geonhak massages his shoulders, trying to undo the knots in his muscle. “It’s just one night, we might not even get called out. We can always drop the kids off at Hyejin noona’s.”

“You’re right, it’s no big deal.” Seoho presses his forehead into Geonhak’s chest, hoping for some relief from the terrible headache that started when Sanghyun appeared in front of him. “That means I can leave now with you, pick the kids up.”

“Let’s go, I’m going to buy you a smoothie.”

“I didn’t know surgeons have a heart,” Yuna says jokingly, watching them with a smile. “I suppose you have to have something to make up for the lack of a brain.”  
It’s a running joke between anaesthetists and surgeons – none of them are serious about it of course, at least not outwardly. They share friendly banter when they meet, although sometimes it can get quite heated. Geonhak is normally quite mild with his comebacks compared to other surgeons. 

When he and Geonhak were deciding their specialties, their friends thought it was apt that they chose to be anaesthetist and surgeon because from the moment they met to the time they finally became a couple, they had been playing a cat-and-mouse game, teasing each other and taking every opportunity to make fun of each other. 

“Actually, my muscles make up for that,” Geonhak replies, smiling, “so which one of you bullied my husband into doing the night duty?” he asks, flexing his biceps.  
“It was most definitely not me,” Juyeon quickly relays, putting his hands up.

“Seoho told us you’re a big baby already, so we’re not scared of you,” Yuna claims happily. “But you two really warm my heart. I’ve had such an awful time since my divorce, although, mind you, I was actually having a worse time when I was with my husband.” She grimaces.

“You’re too good for him anyway,” Seoho reassures her. 

Yuna has been his friend since he entered anaesthesia training. They have been through a lot together, many sleepless nights studying for exams, quizzing each other, and cheering each other up. Yuna gave him a lot of advice about raising children, having had kids herself before him, and he was there to support her when she was going through her divorce last year. 

“Well, we’re going to love you and leave you now, we need to pick up our kids.”

They say their goodbyes and leave the office, only to run into Keonhee in the corridor. 

“Where are you guys off to?” he asks cheerfully.

“Picking up the kids, we’re both on night duty today,” Seoho explains.

“Oh no, that’s a bummer. By the way, I heard you guys are off to a romantic trip this weekend?” 

Seoho only found out last night so he is surprised that Keonhee already knows.

“Seriously, you can’t tell Hwanwoong anything without him blabbering to you,” Geonhak sighs, pouting.

Smiling proudly, Keonhee says, “We’re not best friends for nothing. But what are you doing with the kids? Can I have them?” he asks eagerly, as if he is asking for candy.

“No Keonhee, you cannot have our children,” Seoho rolls his eyes.

“Pretty please? I’ll look after them really well. I will feed them and wash them and play with them!” Keonhee’s eyes are bulging with excitement and even though he means well, he obviously has no experience raising kids so Seoho has no intention of entrusting his children to Keonhee. When he says that to him, Keonhee scowls.

“What do you mean, I look after Sunny and he loves me.”

“The fact that you just compared looking after Youngjo hyung’s puppy to looking after kids shows you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Besides,” Geonhak reasons, “Sunny likes Youngjo hyung more than you.”

It’s obvious Keonhee is trying to hold in from throwing a tantrum. He smiles at them sweetly.

“We will both be home this weekend, between us I’m sure we can take care of Sunyul and Sunjae,” he insists. “Youngjo likes them so much, he would be super happy to spend time with them. And er-” Keonhee scratches the back of his neck shyly, “we’re thinking of adopting.”

“That’s amazing! You’ll be great parents, I’m sure,” Geonhak says encouragingly.

“Great parents you don’t want to leave your kids with,” Keonhee pouts sadly.

“I’ll tell you what, you can have them for a couple of hours first one day, and then we can slowly increase to overnight stay,” Seoho explains, patting him on the shoulder. That seems to satisfy the taller man.

“That sounds wonderful! I’ll text you to set it up. You guys enjoy your weekend.”

“Do you really think it’s a good idea for them to have kids?” Seoho asks conspiratorially once Keonhee is out of sight.

“Why not?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know…I just never saw them as the…caregiver type? I mean they’re both amazing and sweet and kind but don’t you think they’re a bit…” he takes his time choosing the words lest he sounds unkind, “less grounded?”

Geonhak gives him a knowing smile.

“Because they’re always taking off on romantic getaways and doing interesting stuff almost every weekend?”

Youngjo and Keonhee are super romantic and adventurous. As a couple, they are perfect. He can’t just picture them having a child that would stop them from doing the things they usually do and enjoy. It’s like they are forever sixteen and sweethearts, which is absolutely fine, except that he can’t see a child in the picture. Seoho is anxious on their behalf, already.

“Don’t worry, they’ll be fine. They’ll learn soon enough, like we did.”

They take Geonhak’s car back. Seoho sits in the passenger seat, praying they wouldn’t be called out tonight. If they do get called out, they have to wake the twins up and drop them off to Hyejin’s.

“Have you told Hyejin noona she might have to take the kids tonight?”

“I have texted her, yes.”

“Sanghyun really owes me for this one, this is-”

His phone starts ringing. He checks the caller ID – it’s his mother. Biting his lips, he puts his phone down. It keeps ringing, causing Geonhak to glance at the caller ID too.

“Pick up, it might be something important.”

Seoho doesn’t try to hide his sigh. He doubts it is something important. It’s always the same thing with his mother. She never accepted the fact that Seoho is married to and raises kids with a man. She has been against it from the very beginning. 

He actually didn’t tell his parents about Geonhak for the first three years when they were dating. It was only when his mother was trying to set him up with all the young girls that went to her church and when Geonhak was starting to get hurt that he told his family about him. His father listened quietly and didn’t say anything while his mother shouted at him, screamed, cried, and then begged him to ‘become normal again’.

For several years, he has tried long and hard to explain it to his mother but she wouldn’t listen. He is fairly estranged with his family now. He has an older sister who understands but she lives in London so he doesn’t get to see her much. His mother won’t let Geonhak enter their house, so he has stopped going as well. His father has not been vocal about anything so it’s impossible to know what he is thinking, but he has never called him to ask him how he is doing or asked to see him.  
Even now, after almost 10 years, his mother likes to pretend that Geonhak doesn’t exist and he is single. Every time they talk, she tries to set him up with a girl. It’s the same conversation every time, so he doesn’t feel like answering her calls anymore.

“Pick up, Seoho, you never know.”

Rubbing his nape, he answers the call.

“Seoho-ya! Why do you never call your mother? Do you not want to know if your parents are alive or not?” His mother’s shrill voice fills his ears.

“How are you?”

“I’m okay, my baby, I’ve still got the back pain.” 

She has been complaining of back pain for years now and he has tried to get her to see a doctor for it for ages but she just wouldn’t comply. She wouldn’t take any medications for it either. It makes him think maybe it is a ploy to make him feel sorry for her.

“Have you taken your medications? Did you get the scan done?”

“There’s no need for that, it’s because I’m old now. I’ve been telling Sora to visit, but she doesn’t listen. You don’t listen to me either, because I’m old.”  
He lets out a deep sigh. He knows what’s coming next.

“Listen, be a good boy and go on a date with the girl I have picked out for you. She is really pretty and she is only 25. She goes to a good university too. My friend vouches for her, she comes from a good family…”

Seoho usually tunes out when they reach this part of the conversation. Today is no different. He feels physically sick today as Geonhak is sat just next to him and is probably catching the conversation in the otherwise quiet car. 

“So, what do you say, next Wednesday?”

“No,” he says firmly, “you know very well I’m married.”

“That’s not called being married! You just share a house with a guy.”

After 10 years, Geonhak is just a guy. He slides his hand across and places it on Geonhak’s thigh, more to pacify himself than to reassure his husband. 

“I happen to be married to the guy and we are raising kids together. If that’s not enough for you, I’m sorry I can’t do anything more.”

As they stop at a red light, Geonhak takes his hand in his, squeezing it softly. Sometimes, he wonders why he has to have a family like this. Geonhak’s parents are really supportive of them; Hyejin pretty much raises their kids for them. His family can’t even accept them for who they are.

While his mother tries to convince him with her twisted logic, he breathes in and out slowly, feeling hot tears prickle his eyes. He feels ashamed in front of his husband. This is why he didn’t want to take the call in the first place.

“I’m hanging up, mother,” he says as they approach the kindergarten. “Don’t call me again if you’re only going to say these things.”

He knows it is not going to stop her, she will call him again.

They pick up the twins, who are both surprised and happy to see both of their parents in the car. They talk about what they had learned in class and what games they played. The car is full of their excited voices and Geonhak’s ringing laugh. He forgets he was upset about his mother and joins in the conversation wholeheartedly.  
“That reminds me guys, you can’t use the word sexy in class, okay? Your teacher was very upset.”

“They used the word sexy in class?” Seoho gapes.

“You said it means beautiful!” Sunjae protests. 

“Yes but – you can only say it if you’re older than 16.”

“Eighteen,” Seoho corrects him, scowling. Sometimes, Geonhak takes things too lightly.

“Exactly. You can’t do it, do you promise?”

“Promise,” the twins chorus back.

They have lunch together at home, which is a nice change. Seoho even goes the extra mile and cooks his famous seafood pancakes. The rest of the day they spend time with the children, helping them with their homework and playing with them.

When they finally put them to bed, Seoho is exhausted. He doesn’t know if it’s because he is older now but he feels tired, drained, both physically and emotionally.   
He showers, changes into comfortable clothes, and settles down in the bed, blanket over his lower half, with his laptop on his lap. He wants to catch up on some work. Pushing his glasses further up his nose, he reads through the clinic letters his junior doctors have written for all the patients they have seen, making sure there are no mistakes. He doesn’t have to do it – they are all good doctors in their own right, but it is not enough for his control-freak self to let them have free reign.  
Geonhak joins him in bed, complains a bit about him working at home, then settles into comfortable silence when he doesn’t reply. 

“You’re so moody when you work,” Geonhak huffs, lifting his hand to Seoho’s bangs and playing with his hair. When he gets no raise out of him, he moves closer, whispering in his ear, “Seoho-ah, Lee Seohoooo.”

Seoho shifts his upper body away from his husband, trying to avoid him blowing hot air into his ear. Undaunted, Geonhak scoots closer and starts nibbling on his earlobe softly. He tries swat him away like a fly, but he ducks to avoid him, and goes back to doing what he was doing.

Seoho makes a disapproving noise, his eyes still locked on the laptop screen. 

Geonhak moves his lips down to his neck and kisses his skin, nibbling softly at first, then a little too sharply while his hand makes it way under Seoho’s T-shirt, roaming across his tummy.

He squirms, stifling a giggle as Geonhak uses his finger to draw circles on his tummy. He is ticklish and his husband knows this fact very well. He just doesn’t know why he is being so needy tonight, doing anything to get his attention. This is more than just a goodnight kiss.

Geonhak sucks on the skin of his neck while his hand stops just above Seoho’s waistband and he taps the area just above his hip. This is a sign. For a couple, they rely a lot more on non-verbal communication. It is helpful that by now they know what every look, every touch means. Right now, Geonhak’s rhythmic tapping of his hipbone means he is not just looking for an innocent cuddle before bed. He should have known by the intensity of his kisses that he is turned on.

Seoho doesn’t want to refuse him but at the same time he really wanted to get some work done tonight. While he is internally debating between the two choices, Geonhak’s hand climbs up towards his nipple, brushing them roughly, and he feels the vibration elsewhere. 

"Okay, fine," he finally murmurs, defeated, putting his laptop down on the bedside table.

Victorious, his husband lets out a low growl and wastes no time taking off his Tshirt. He hasn’t noticed that Geonhak hasn’t bothered to put on a top at all. His heartbeats quicken instantly and he has to readjust his grip.

The first kiss is slow but as soon as Seoho gets used to it, Geonhak comes at him more aggressively, almost devouring his mouth. Geonhak’s hands tread dangerous territories, driving Seoho a little crazy. He lets out a little moan. 

They are both so engrossed that they don’t hear the little footsteps until a small voice calls out near them.

“Daddy?”

They break away from each other to see Sunjae standing at the foot of their bed, staring at them in fascination, his mouth parted, with his Pepe plushy in his arms. 

“Sunjae-ah, are you alright?” Seoho asks, concerned, trying to contain the heat flush through his body. He can feel his face getting warmer. 

“What are you doing papa?” Sunjae questions, still not taking his eyes off of them.

“Umm…just…” Seoho is at a loss as he quickly pulls on his top.

“Your papa wanted a cuddle,” Geonhak explains shamelessly, slipping out of the bed and picking Sunjae up in his arms. “Did you have a nightmare?”

“He’s probably having one now,” Seoho mumbles, for some reason annoyed with Geonhak.

“Come on Jae-ah, let me read you a story, okay?”

After they leave, Seoho covers his face with his hands. He should have just followed his instincts and stuck to work.


	6. White Night

From the depths of his sleep, he hears a phone ringing. Groggily, he answers the phone. 

It’s Chanhee, and just as he feared, there is someone who needs urgent surgery.

“She was in a car crash, big subarachnoid haemorrhage,” Chanhee tells him excitedly. 

“Don’t sound so happy, people might misunderstand,” he tells his junior.

“I obviously can’t wait to make her better,” Chanhee replies. “Come on boss, come quick.”

Sighing, he turns in the bed, eyes still shut. Beside him, Seoho is sleeping peacefully, arms crossed on his belly, as if he has just gone to bed. How he manages to stay so still while sleeping is a mystery he hasn't solved yet.

Of course tonight is the night they get called out to the hospital.

“Seoho-ah,” Geonhak calls him groggily, “they need us.”

Just as he says it, Seoho’s phone starts to ring. His junior anaesthetist is probably calling him about this emergency surgery. 

“I’ll go wake the kids,” he says, getting out of the bed, when he sees Seoho stirring. He feels bad – the children have school in the morning so this will disturb their sleep cycle. But there is no other way. Hopefully, this will never happen again. 

Together, they manage to wake the kids and get dressed. He throws on the first hoodie he finds. They pack the kids into the backseat of the car, making sure they are comfortable. Thankfully, Seoho drives, while he steals a quick nap. He catches a snippet of the conversation Seoho is having with the children about why they have to sleep at Aunt Hyejin's tonight.

They drop Sunyeol and Sunjae off at Hyejin’s and head towards the hospital. He rolls the window down, hoping the cold wind would wake him up. It is crucial that his attention is at its peak when he performs life-saving surgery. 

It’s hectic when they get in. They have to change into scrubs quickly and he is rushed off his feet by Chanhee, taking him to see the patient and then assess the scans. They make a plan for the surgery while Seoho sets up in the anaesthetic room.

They go through the motions and finally, the patient is in front of him on the operating table. Saying a quick prayer, he starts the surgery, Chanhee assisting him closely. All his attention is on the patient and his hands.

It takes them four hours but finally, he puts on the last stitch and they are done. Seoho takes over – it’s time to wake the patient up from the drug-induced sleep. This is one of the most gut-wrenching part because there is always a chance that the patient won't wake up. But obviously, not on Seoho's watch. He hears the groans coming from the patient and smiles at Seoho, giving him a thumbs up that he doesn't react to.

Taking off his scrubs, he returns Chanhee's tired smile and compliments him for his good work. Chanhee asks him some technical questions which he answers, trying to impart his knowledge onto the younger surgeon. He enjoys this part of his job – being able to help not only the patient but also his juniors.

Once he is changed, he joins Seoho by the patient’s bedside on ICU. A patient undergoing such complicated surgery would always end up on the intensive care unit for a few days before going to the normal ward. Seoho, still in his scrubs, is watching the patient intensely, as if he is willing her better.

“Everything okay?” he asks.

“Yeah, everything is smooth.” He turns to his husband with a small smile. “Well done.”

“And you.” Geonhak puts an arm around Seoho, the tiredness from the surgery washing through his body. "You've done great."

His husband frowns, as if conjecturing. “I wonder if the pain relief is enough. Maybe I should give her some more steroids but she has diabetes and I don’t want to make her diabetes worse”.

“Whatever you have done is fine, Seoho-ah,” he reassures him. He always does the right thing but he always worries about it.

It reminds him of when they first met. Seoho was still a worrier back then, worrying about the simplest things like their assignments to the fact that his shirt wasn't ironed properly. They were able to spend a lot more time together back then, with no job, no kids. Six months into dating, Geonhak had begged Seoho’s flatmate to change dorm rooms with him so that he could live with him. Dating Seoho had brought about a change in him – he wasn’t worried about people finding out he is gay, in fact, he would actively tell people that he was dating Seoho. Nothing bothered him, he was fearless.

He remembers the first night he moved in with Seoho. They were celebrating – they used to celebrate the littlest of things - end of exams, and they got a bit too excited. Kissing furiously, they ended up in Seoho’s bed, Geonhak pushing his tongue as far as possible into Seoho’s mouth, shaking from his touch. His hand naturally moved to undo the button of Seoho’s jeans when he felt the elder’s hand stopping him.

Seoho broke the kiss, looking apologetic. 

“I’m sorry, I’m just not ready for that,” he had said, a dark shadow passing his eyes.

“It’s fine,” Geonhak said, lying down next to him and taking his hand.

After that, it happened a few more times – every time it would get to the point where Geonhak wanted to more than make out, Seoho would quickly put an end to it, drawing back uncomfortably.

Finally, one day, Geonhak asked, “Is it me? Is it because of me you don’t feel comfortable being intimate?”

“No, no, it’s not you.” For a while, he didn’t say anything. Finally, taking a deep breath, Seoho said, “I…well, my last-my ex-boyfriend, he- he was quite rough and…I suppose I am a bit scarred.” He had said it very lightly but Geonhak had seen his eyes change, as if he was remembering a nightmare. Geonhak had pulled his head into his chest, stroking his back gently, hoping to alleviate the anxiety.

Then one day, on Geonhak’s birthday, while kissing passionately, Seoho had suddenly dropped to his knees and reached out to Geonhak’s waistband, pulling at it.

“Seoho, what are you doing?” Geonhak had asked, surprised.

There was a sheepish smile on his face. “Well, I want to - I want to give you something for being so patient.”

“No, you don’t have to, if you’re not comfortable. I love you, and it’s not just physical attraction.”

“I think I’m comfortable with this.”

That night, Geonhak had felt pleasure like he had never known before. hos body reacted to everything Seoho did, melted under his touch.

A month after that, Seoho had allowed him to return the favour. With Seoho in his mouth, he had heard the elder’s moans, feeling proud. Of course it was just not physical attraction between them but to be able to give the man he loved so much pleasure had made him excited.

On the night of their first anniversary, Seoho had given him the look -the look that said he wanted to go all the way. He fumbled to get the condom and lube out of his drawer, his body trembling with excitement. But he was ever so careful, to not hurt Seoho. He had taken his time to cherish Seoho’s body, to gently penetrate his defenses, and make him completely his.

Afterwards, Seoho had told him that he had never felt so safe with someone. That was one of his greatest achievements.

“Shall we go?” Seoho’s voice brings him back to the present. Hopefully, this weekend they will be able to relive some of those spine-tingling memories.

“Let’s go.”

After Seoho changes, they walk back to the car. Buckling himself in, Seoho reaches out to start the car but Geonhak stops him.

“What?” he asks, “Have you left something behind?”

Thinking of the past has reminded him of something else. Now is a good time as any to talk about it. 

“Seoho-ah, Hwanwoong and Dongju were talking about something the other day that I thought we should talk about.” He can feel Seoho’s hand stiffen in his. “Kim Hyojin is coming back to work.”

He watches Seoho closely. The news is not a surprise to him because of course he has been told about it. And he has had some time to think about it, so his reaction is not quick, it’s more wary. He notices a small bite of the lip, as if to brace himself, eyes wandering, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down a few times.

“Do we really need to talk about this?” Seoho makes a brave attempt to laugh airily. “We’re all adults, it was just a matter of time before he came back to work, we knew the hospital would hire him back.”

Geonhak turns sideways in his seat to be closer to his husband. He places a reassuring hand on his back and intertwines his fingers with Seoho with the other. The reason they have to talk about it is because Seoho has a habit of bottling all his emotions up without processing them. He can’t allow that to happen, knowing well how much Kim Hyojin had broken him.

“I still think you should have told them everything, about who Kim Hyojin really is.” 

Seoho had filed a complaint with the hospital about Hyojin but he had not told them the real truth. Hyojin had accepted the charges, without going into details; he was obviously glad that Seoho hadn’t told them everything because that would put him in a more difficult position. Their close friends all know that there is more to the story and a one-year suspension was too light a punishment for what Hyojin had done. But only Seoho and Geonhak knew the full extent of it. 

Seoho lets out a deep sigh.

“He is a good doctor, I didn’t want him to lose his license. He sucks as a human being but he is a good doctor.”

It’s so like his husband to overthink, to overcomplicate matters. He always thinks about the future implications of his actions, the consequences, the effects on other people. It’s both his virtue and his vice.

Pulling his head onto his shoulder, Geonhak almost cradles him, hoping he would feel safe in his arms. Unfortunately, there is nothing he can do about Seoho’s nightmares, except just to be by him and comfort him.

“Sometimes, I feel stupid, you know, I feel like I let him do this to me.”

“Don’t say that! None of this is your fault! I just wish I could have been by your side.”

Geonhak has regrets of course, not being able to protect the love of his life while he was going through hard times. But he was on a sabbatical in Italy, finishing up a research project on robotics in neurosurgery a year ago, when it had all happened. Trying not to worry him, Seoho had not told him what was happening at first, hiding it under tired smiles. He does blame himself a bit for not being able to see his husband was not quite right, but he had put it down to the stress of looking after the kids on his own and his hectic job. It was Keonhee who had called him one day, worried about Seoho, asking him to speak to him.

“I didn’t know you back then, though.”

It takes him a moment to realise that Seoho is talking about the time back in medical school, when he first met Kim Hyojin. Seoho’s first boyfriend had been Hyojin, the ex who had left him scarred, quite literally. When Seoho had finally taken off his clothes in front of him, he had seen the faint marks, rough patches, on his wrists, ankles, on his chest. It had sickened him to see them, knowing they had been made against Seoho’s wish, in the name of love. He had tried to kiss them all better, knowing the marks will stay but hopefully the memories won’t be as sharp.

“You were so brave to finally break it off with him.” 

It couldn’t have been easy, stuck in a manipulative relationship, and Kim Hyojin had his charms. Even someone as intelligent as Seoho had been caught up in his hot and cold game, developing Stockholm syndrome of some sort.

“I tried so many times to leave him, so many times. Every time I tried, he would turn up the sweetness, making me feel guilty, and when that didn’t work, he would become scary. Finally, when he graduated, I broke free.” Seoho shudders a little against his chest. He has heard all of this before but he doesn’t stop him. Talking through it all may make him relive the memories but it will also help him to share the burden.

“Imagine my surprise when my next boyfriend turned out to be super sweet and adoring and I kept on thinking ‘what’s the catch?’.”

“Did you ever find the catch?”

“No, hence I married him. Only to realise that he can sometimes be a child.”

Geonhak presses a kiss to his forehead, grinning stupidly. Seoho is definitely the worse between the two of them at showing affection so it’s always nice to hear cheesy things from his mouth.

“You’re the one to call me a child! You spent the first month we knew each other teasing me, trying to get a rise out of me.”

Seoho chuckles.

“That’s because I thought I liked you but I wasn’t sure if you liked me.”

“Really? You mean the moon eyes I was making over you every day and the countless texts I was sending you every night wasn’t proof enough that I liked you?”

“I wasn’t thinking straight, was I?”

“No, you were thinking pretty gay.”

They both break out in giggles. To his surprise, Seoho’s laughter sounds real and light. 

“So you’re okay? About Kim Hyojin coming back to work?”

“I have my strong husband to protect me now, I’ll be fine.”

“Promise me you’ll tell me-if anything happens, if you’re struggling, you’ll let me know?”

Hitting him lightly on the chest, Seoho moves back to his original position, starting the car.

“I will, Geonhak. You don’t have to worry about me.”

When he doesn’t look completely satisfied, Seoho cups his cheek with one hand and plants a kiss on his mouth.

“Kim Geonhak, I’ll let you protect me, be my hero, my knight in shining armour, okay?”

To be honest, that’s all he could ever wish for.


	7. Dizzy

“This is beautiful,” Seoho comments, pausing to admire the scenery. 

It’s midday, the sun is shining brightly, and there is a gentle breeze swinging by. This morning, they dropped off Sunjae and Sunyul at Hyejin’s place and drove to the small town just outside Seoul, only an hour and a half away. Even though he was initially against this holiday, his excitement started rising while taking the highway out of Seoul and reached peak when they were checking into their luxury hotel. Geonhak has really planned this well.

They wasted no time and after a quick lunch, came out for a hike – Geonhak told him that he specially picked this trail, scenic and vibrant and mid-level challenging, just how Seoho likes it.

At first he thought he would be too tired for the hike but the fresh air and the blue sky put all his worries to rest. They made good time across the hill, reaching the peak in about 40 minutes. 

"I could stare at this all day," he says, watching soft white clouds shifting with the wind.

“You’re beautiful, I could stare at you all day,” Geonhak says, leaning forward to kiss him. 

“There are people here,” Seoho warns. There are one or two groups hiking along with them; thankfully it’s not super busy. But the society they live in are not as progressive as they would like it to be. That has always added to Seoho's anxiety but doesn't seem to bother Geonhak very much. He has a one-track mind and doesn't care about others' opinions.

“So what? It’s not like we’re having an affair.”

“They don't know that,” Seoho mumbles, massaging the back of his neck sheepishly.

Throwing his head back, Geonhak laughs loudly, causing a few people to turn their heads to look at them. Seoho's strategy is to always keep a low profile, unless they are with friends and people they are comfortable with. 

He and Geonhak are similar in many ways but also different in others. For example, Geonhak would straight up stand up for something he believes in, even if it means contradicting someone personally whereas Seoho would take a more diplomatic approach. That's probably one of the reasons they compliment each other, and they need each other.

“Come on, what are you thinking about now?” Geonhak puts an arm around him, despite him trying to squirm away. "I swear if it is work-"

“I’m only, and only, thinking about you,” Seoho smiles, before carrying on.

They take the obligatory photo at the peak and then start their descent, their spirits high. They spend the evening in the luxury spa, relaxing and enjoying themselves thoroughly. Seoho feels all his anxiety and tension dissipate. He feels light, carefree, something he has not felt in a while. He is naturally a worrier – he worries about work, his kids, his friends. And then recently, he heard the news that Kim Hyojin is coming back to work. As much as he would like to think that it doesn’t bother him, the truth is, that is a part of his life that he can’t easily forget. The scars are too deep, the memories too cruel.

But he doesn’t want to worry Geonhak, he doesn’t want him to feel that he is not doing enough. There are some demons that are too close to someone’s heart – Kim Hyojin is one such demon.

It’s silly how he fell for him – hook, line, and sinker. He wasn’t even that young. He met Kim Hyojin when he was 18, practically an adult. There was something about him that drew him right in. When he wanted to, Hyojin could be the sweetest and most charming person on earth. More importantly, he knows how to make someone feel special. Despite all his intelligence and common sense, he hadn’t seen it coming – he didn’t realise what he was getting himself into with Kim Hyojin. For four years, he had been stuck in an abusive, manipulative relationship. 

There were good times too; in fact, the first few months when they started dating felt like a honeymoon. But Hyojin had soon morphed into his true self – a sadist. At first it was small things, like he would bite down too hard while kissing his neck or pin his arm down painfully until he cried out, the sex was rough; then he would ask to try out a few kinks, which would get more and more excruciating. By the time he realized what was happening, he was in too deep.

The day he broke up with Kim Hyojin was the happiest in his life. Until he met Geonhak, of course. He was wary of Geonhak at first – unlike Hyojin, he looked like someone who could break him in half if he wanted to. But contrary to his appearance, Geonhak was like a puppy since the day they met and nothing about his behaviour was the least bit threatening. 

Geonhak has a lot of wild energy about him but he knows how to curb it. Against all odds, he actually looks cute when he is angry; his frown is endearing and even when his voice turns to a low growl when they are arguing, Seoho can't help but feel like pinching his cheek. Sometimes he tries to act like the older one between the two of them and he finds it adorable.

All his nightmares turned to sweet dreams with Geonhak. His life was as close to perfect as it could get until about a few years ago, when Kim Hyojin walked into his life again. He had almost fainted when he had seen the familiar figure walk into the hospital and had been introduced to him as the new paediatric ICU consultant. He had thrown up later in the toilet.

Unable to tolerate it by himself, he had confided in Geonhak that the new doctor joining the hospital was indeed the boyfriend who had left him scarred. It took him everything to stop Geonhak from jumping at his throat. But he couldn’t stop his husband from glaring at Hyojin threateningly every time they met in the corridor or at a meeting. However, his protective husband had stopped Hyojin from approaching him at all. In fact, he had completely ignored Seoho and he had wrongly believed that he had turned a new leaf. That was until Geonhak had left for his sabbatical.

That was when everything went wrong. Hyojin had the courage to approach him, in a friendly way at first. Being the fool he was, he had thought that the elder just wanted to start over. He even apologized and acknowledged all his wrongdoings. He wanted to give him a chance, perhaps they could be distant friends. It didn’t take him long to show that he had actually not changed at all.

He hadn’t been able to tell the hospital management everything that had happened but what he had said was enough to get him suspended for a year. That’s over now, but he knows it’s probably had no effect on Kim Hyojin. That shouldn’t matter though, because now he knows to completely steer clear off him. There is nothing in the world that would persuade him to give him another chance.

In a way, he hopes this holiday will help him prepare mentally for seeing Kim Hyojin again. Besides, this time, he knows Geonhak will never leave his side.

After a traditional dinner, they go to bed, falling asleep in each other’s arms. They are tired from the hike and relaxed from the massages, so their eyes close as soon as their heads hit the pillows.

They spend the next morning by the pool. Geonhak throws him into the water at one point and he takes revenge by splashing a generous amount of water at him. They swim across the pool together, racing each other. It reminds him of the days when they were first dating, when they were always having some silly competition with each other. 

After lunch, they take a short nap, before getting ready to head out. Geonhak wants to go out dancing. Seoho has not set foot in a club for years so even though at first he refused, in the end he decided to give in, seeing how excited Geonhak was. He has dressed up a bit for the occasion, wearing a particularly tight black silky shirt and he keeps the first two buttons open. Hesitatingly, he puts some eyeliner on as well, something he hasn’t done in probably 5 years. He finishes up with an unusually shiny lip balm that looks very much like lip gloss.

Geonhak steps out of the bathroom and for a second looks surprised to see Seoho.

“What?” he asks.

“Nothing.” Geonhak smiles, scratching his head.

“What is it? Is it too much?”

“It’s fine.”

“It’s too much, isn’t it? Do I look like a clown?” He is about to wipe the gloss off his lips when Geonhak stops him, holding onto his hand. “You’re looking at me funny,” he whines, very conscious of his husband’s intense stare.

“That’s because you look sexy,” Geonhak purrs in a low voice. “What if-what if we just stay in?” he says coyly, biting his lips. There is a playful smile on the corner of his lips and a soft sunset blush on his cheeks. 

It’s Seoho’s turn to double-take – he can’t remember the last time he’s seen Geonhak like this… It makes his heart rush as he feels butterflies in his stomach. He grabs Geonhak’s hand, which was making its way up playfully around his shoulder and pulls him closer. 

Closing his eyes, Seoho leans towards him. Their lips meet in a rough wet kiss. As Seoho’s shyness dissipates, he takes more of a lead, parting Geonhak’s lips with purpose, while his tongue works its magic inside his mouth. He can feel his breath turn uneven and a slight tremor to his body. Geonhak bites Seoho’s supple lips, causing him to arch his back and moan loudly.

“I’ve missed this,” Seoho mouths against Geonhak’s lips, resting his forehead against his. He wraps his arms around Geonhak tighter. 

“What, sexy beast Geonhak?”

Scoffing, he pushes Geonhak, who loses his balance and falls back onto the bed. 

“That’s abuse,” he jokes, pulling his husband onto his lap and sniffing his hair. Even though they use the same shampoo, Seoho’s hair, for some reason, smells like peaches. “You should apologise for that.”

“Make me,” he says provocatively, turning around in his lap so that he’s facing him. 

“You know I can’t make you do anything,” Geonhak admits in a low voice. The look in his eyes is intense, like embers. He licks his lips with purpose, knowing full well that it turns Geonhak on. “You’re so incredibly sexy,” he whispers, his voice sounds raspy. 

It’s a miracle that he can form a full sentence because right now, blood is rushing everywhere in his body apart from his brain. He holds his breath, waiting for him to make his move. It’s always been a cat and mouse game between them.

Slowly, purposefully, Seoho drapes his arms around his neck, his fingers massaging the nape of his neck. It sends electrical sensations down his spine and his pants suddenly feel too tight.

“Am I really sexy?” Seoho slurs his words on purpose, watching Geonhak lose it.

Raising his head slightly, he angles his lips against Seoho’s, kissing him violently. Seoho plays with him for a bit, not completely giving in, but then joins in with full spirit. Automatically, Geonhak’s hands move to unbutton Seoho’s shirt with frenzied energy. As his body heats up, he roughly pushes his shirt down his arms, discarding it completely. Seoho’s hands get busy to do the same to Geonhak.

“You look great in this shirt but sorry it has to come off.”

Once their shirts are completely off, Geonhak breaks away from the kiss to nibble on his neck, sucking and biting, hoping to leave marks. Seoho’s head lolls back in pleasure, his eyes shut tight. He litters his neck and then moved downwards, onto his chest, around his nipple, causing him to twist his fingers in Geonhak’s hair tightly. As they wander around Seoho’s body, Geonhak’s hands meet his toned abs and smooth skin, no sign of aging at all. 

Seoho lets out some incoherent words, causing Geonhak to pause and laugh. Seoho always has to have the last word, he always knows what to say. But right now, he’s a helpless sexy mess. He finds it hilarious. 

With gusto, he picks Seoho up by his hips and puts him on his back on the bed. Hooking a finger under his waistband, he pulls, sliding the pants off his tantalizing legs. 

For a second, he just stands there, watching Seoho lying on the bed with a smile on his face, as if admiring an artwork. Seoho thinks about how lucky he is to have him in his life and how much he loves him. His love for him hasn’t changed since the first day they met. 

“What?” Seoho asks, looking self-conscious, supporting himself up with his elbows digging into the bed. 

“You’re beautiful.”

“Come here,” he extends a hand towards him. 

Biting his lips, Geonhak takes his hand and is immediately pulled forcefully towards his husband, causing him to fall on top of him. Seoho places his hands on either side of his cheeks and kisses him. Shutting his eyes, he loses himself in the feeling of his lips and tongue meshing with his. He groans, putting his arms around Geonhak, his fingernails frolicking across his muscly back. Geonhak plays around in his mouth a bit more before going straight for the sensitive spot on his neck, sucking at his skin. He can’t help but moan loudly.

"Don't hold it in," Geonhak whispers.

"I wasn't planning to."

Placing a hand on his bare thigh, Geonhak draws a line with his mouth from his neck to his belly button, causing his insides to ache with desire. 

"I don't think I'll let you sleep tonight."

When Seoho finally finds his voice, he threads his fingers through his hair and says, "Why waste time sleeping."

"Well then, let's see if you can keep up with me."


	8. Dead Or Alive

Puncturing the soft silence, a phone starts ringing. 

Groaning, Geonhak reaches out for his cell phone. Seoho is curled up next to him, his warmth deliciously heavy against his body. He should have switched off his phone, so that they are not disturbed. 

“Who is it?” Seoho asks.

“Hyejin noona is ringing me,” he smiles. “Thankfully, I can just ignore that.”

“No, you can’t! You shouldn’t!” Seoho exclaims.

“We’re on a romantic getaway, forgive me if I don’t want to speak to my sister.”

“Do you also not want to speak to our sons?” his husband asks, rolling his eyes.

Geonhak nods in defeat. “Fair point, what kind of a father will I be if I don’t wish my sons goodnight.”

He answers his phone and right off the bat, he knows something is wrong. Instead of Hyejin’s voice, all he can hear is a lot of screaming and crying. 

“Wait, slow down noona, what’s going on?” Turning the speaker mode off, he presses the phone to his ear, scrunching up his eyes and nose in an effort to decipher his sister’s frantic speech. 

“Geonhakie, I didn’t … Sunyul …I didn’t realise…”

Something is wrong. His hearth thumping, he tries to calm himself down so that he can concentrate on what his sister is saying.

“What happened?” Seoho asks; his eyes are cloudy with worry.

“I don’t…know, I can’t understand what she’s saying.”

With an impatient huff, Seoho grabs the phone from his hand and presses it to his ear instead, listening earnestly. 

“What? Where? What’s happened?” He watches with cold trepidation as Seoho’s face drains of colour. “We’re on our way, just... just wait.”

Seoho turns to him with concern all over his face but he doesn’t wait to hear what he has to say. Throwing himself out of the bed, he quickly dresses himself and starts packing their things in a frenzy. In fact, he doesn’t want to hear what’s happened until they reach Seoul, where he would be in a position to help.

“I-I’m not sure what’s happened but noona said she had to take the twins to hospital.”

Geonhak wants to scream at him to stop because he thinks if he hears any more he won’t be able to function. His hands are shaking as he tries to fold the clothes but resorts to throwing them into the suitcase.

They check out in record time and arrive at the car park.

Seoho stands with the car keys in his hand, staring at their car, as if he’s forgotten what to do next. 

“I-I,” Seoho tries to form words but his lips are numb.

Taking the keys from him, Geonhak gets into the driver’s seat. In a way, that’s better than sitting in the passenger seat while Seoho drives. It gives him something to do, it gives him a purpose.

“It’s going to be okay,” he musters up all the courage he can to speak the words, but it’s as much for his benefit as is for Seoho’s. He doesn’t dare look at his face. He knows it will completely break him if he looks into his eyes.

“Shall we call someone in A&E?” Seoho finally manages to form one logical thought. 

“Yeah, call Dongju. I think he said he’s working the weekend. But we don’t even know who’s hurt!” He hits his hand against the steering wheel in frustration. Geonhak feels so helpless. 

Would there be any point of talking to Hyejin again? She’s probably just as flabbergasted as they are. The not knowing is killing him.

Seoho suddenly starts crying, the noise permeating the thick air between them. 

“Seoho, please, you need to be strong. You can’t…” He's not the type to cry. Maybe shed a silent tear or two but he can't remember the last time he's seen his husband cry out. The sound physically pain him. "Please, Seoho, please."

Finally, taking a deep shaky breath, Seoho reigns in the tears and calls Dongju - understandably it’s takes some time for him to pick up. The phone is on speaker so he can hear the conversation clearly.

“What’s up, hyung? I thought you were on a romantic getaway?”

“Dongju, can you check the paediatric A&E? I think... we think the kids are hurt.”

“Wait, what?”

“We left them with their auntie and she called saying she’s taken them to the hospital but she couldn’t say anymore. Can you find out?”

“Hyung, don’t worry, I’ll look into it. Are you guys on your way back?”

“Yes, we’re driving back.”

“Be safe, don’t worry I’ll look after them.”

Once Dongju hangs up, Seoho just sits with the phone in his hand, staring vacantly out of the window. His entire body is still. Geonhak wants to tell him something, to reassure him, but he doesn't know what to say. It could all be fine in the end, but it might not.

They are quiet the rest of the journey. Geonhak is concentrating on the road but his knuckles are white against the steering wheel. It feels too long, every second. Geonhak wills the car to move faster, even though the truth is he is dangerously close to breaking the speed limit. From time to time, he steals a glance at Seoho, to make sure he's okay, but he doesn't move or say anything - he looks like a lifeless doll. 

Perhaps it is just a minor injury, a small cut or a bruise. But the way Hyejin was crying on the phone makes him think it’s worse. The moment he tries to think about what it could be, his throat threatens to close up and he has to gasp for air. He just wants to hold the twins in his arms and kiss them better.

When they arrive at the hospital, Seoho doesn’t wait for Geonhak to park the car. He gets off the moment they reach and run at full speed to the paediatric emergency department. Geonhak parks in their usual spot, then follows his husband. The paediatric emergency is thronging with waiting parents and crying children and he just wants all of it to stop. It’s impossible to find anyone in this crowd and Seoho has also disappeared, so he rings Hyejin, his hands shaking.

“Where are you?”

“I’m just in front of the big orange doors.”

He runs in the direction of the doors, blood thudding against his ear drums.

Hyejin is sat on a bench in the waiting area, holding onto Sunjae, who is sitting on her lap. Her eyeliner is running - she must have been crying and her hair is askew. His first reaction is relief – Sunjae looks fine. He doesn’t look terribly hurt. He is not even crying. But he is not smiling either, the usual playfulness in his eyes has disappeared. He is cluthcing onto Hyejin with need, with urgency. What's happened. 

His eyes start searching for Sunyul in the vicinity - there is no sign of the other twin. The sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach returns, his fingertips grow cold. Seoho, who must have been looking for them, comes running and grabs Sunjae from Hyejin, hugging him tightly and kissing his head.

“Papa!”

“Geonhakie,” Hyejin says when she spots him, her voice wrought with emotions. “I’m so sorry...”

“Where’s Sunyul?” he asks impatiently, planting a kiss on Sunjae’s head. The boy is quiet and looks tired with tears streaks down his cheeks.

“I just-I didn’t … I thought it would be fun for them…”

Just as on the phone, she is not making much sense.

“Noona,” he holds her by her arms, shaking her gently, “noona, you need to tell us what’s happened. Where’s Sunyul?”

“They-they took him inside-” Hyejin points a shaking finger towards the main emergency department.

Seoho immediately transfers Sunjae to him, who latches onto his neck quietly, hiding his face in his shoulder.

“I’m going to go and find Sunyul,” his husband says, hurrying towards the department.

Even though his first instinct is to follow him, he realizes it is probably not a good idea to leave Sunjae with Hyejin when she is in this state. She seems to be barely sane. So instead, he takes a seat beside Hyejin, hoping beyond hope that Sunyul is being treated for a minor injury inside and he will be completely fine.

“Noona, please tell me what happened?”

Instead of saying anything, she breaks down into tears, sobbing loudly on his shoulder. As he tries to coax the story out of her, his phone rings. It’s Hwanwoong – he must have been informed by Dongju.

“Hyung, where are you?”

“We’re in front of minors in the waiting area,” he says.

The call drops and after a few minutes, Hwanwoong appears. He is dressed in casual clothes, a look of concern on his face. 

“Are you okay? Where’s Seoho hyung?”

“He’s gone to find Sunyul.” He nods towards the emergency department.

“Dongju is in there, he will find him,” Hwanwoong assures him. “I was with them all this time, but I got worried when you were not showing up. I knew you were driving on the highway…”

“How’s Sunyul?” he asks; even Hyejin looks up from crying.

“He is…” Hwanwoong pauses, as if not sure how to deliver the news. Running his hand through his hair, he pats his shoulder reassuringly. “He is in the best place possible, they are looking after him. All the senior paediatric doctors are there, word has spread that Sunyul is your son so everyone is trying to help.”

Warning bells go off in his head as he realizes Hwanwoong isn’t telling him exactly what is wrong with his son.

“Do you know how it happened?” he asks Hwanwoong helplessly, as Hyejin starts crying again.

Hwanwoong looks surprised that he doesn’t know. "Should we-uh-talk somewhere else?" He is watching Hyejin cautiously, as if trying not to upset her. 

"Yes, let's go," he stands up.

"We should probably leave Sunjae here with auntie Hyejin." 

"Noona, can you look after him for a few minutes. We will be back soon, okay?" He ensures Hyejin is clutching Sunjae before he leaves their sides and walks a few feet away. 

“They, umm, they all went to a party at a hotel poolside.” Hwanwoong has stopped looking at him directly and gently rocking on his feet. It's something he does when he is nervous. “She-umm-Hyejin noona must have lost sight of them for a bit and the next thing she knew there were people shouting and…Sunyul was in the water.”

The last few words reach him from the end of a cave, slow, separated, echoed. His heart does this thing where it speeds up but then slows down, every beat loud and splitting in his ear drums. 

“Sunyul…Sunyul…doesn't know how to swim...” He remembers visiting the beach with the twins and how much they wanted to learn to swim but they've decided to give them another couple of years before they arrange swimming lessons for them. 

“I'm so sorry hyun, he drowned.” Hwanwoong’s eyes are fixed on his shoes and his voice wavers. “Paramedics got there quickly, and brought him here. Thankfully, the hotel was close to here. He arrested and we got him back in here.”

Every word hits him like an arrow. The words make sense in his head but not in his heart. He feels an awful sensation of throwing up. He tries to block out the pictures of his Sunyul, lying lifeless by the poolside, his lungs and stomach full of water.

“How long…how long was…”

“Downtime about 35 minutes.” The younger’s voice is deadly quiet and he has to strain his ears to hear him.

His legs feel like jelly. For 35 minutes, Sunyul’s body had been lifeless, kept alive by CPR and shocks, unable to breathe for himself. For 35 minutes, Sunyul was dead. It’s a miracle that they got him back at all. The more he thinks about it, the more insane he feels. 

"Hyung, are you alright?" Hwanwoong places a hand on his back gently. "Hyung?"

"I-I...am I a terrible parent? Why does it hurt so much?" He feels hot tears stinging his eyes. 

"Hyung, it hurts because you're a good parent."


	9. Twilight

Seoho moves as fast as his feet can carry him, but it still feels too slow; like when he was sat in the car and was frustrated by how slowly Geonhak was driving when in reality he broke the speed limit several times. 

It’s loud, it’s bright, there are people everywhere – he feels disoriented, even though he has walked down this corridor, these aisles before. 

He had been relieved to see that Sunjae was fine. But right now, every inch of his mind is occupied by Sunyul – what’s happened to him? Is he okay? Was it his fault? As he finds it, all these thoughts are very counterproductive. He realizes he is walking aimlessly – he has a destination in mind but no idea on how to find it. It’s like being a child again, wanting to find the toy his parents just hid behind their back but having no idea where it disappeared to.

He finds a cubicle that seems to be thronging with people, more than usual, some of whom he knows well, or at least he thinks he does, he can't be sure. His feet slow down as he reaches the cubicle and in his heart he knows this is it - the fear of what he will see or how he will see Sunyul grips him like a noose.

People give way for him, some of them whispering their condolences or reassuring words but he ignores it all. Before he can reach the bedside, Dongju turns around and when he sees him, he grabs him by the shoulder and pulls him away the cubicle. 

“I-I need to see S-sunyul,” he tries to explain to Dongju desperately.

“Hyung, have they told you what’s happened to him?” Dongju asks urgently, searching his face.

“No, b-but I-I need to see him, see him,” he chants. That’s all his brain cells can muster at the moment, going over and over again like a broken record. He feels stupid, like he has absolutely no knowledge, his mind programmed with only one thing. “Let me see him.”

Dongju bites his lips. He dimly registers the younger’s expression – he feels sorry for him. What’s there to feel sorry for? Because Sunyul was hurt? But he’ll be fine, right?

“Hyung, Sunyul had an accident.”

“Can I see him?” His words barely register.

“He-he drowned,” Dongju ploughs on, as if determined to say his piece, even though Seoho doesn’t understand anything coming out of his mouth. Drowned? How can someone drown in an apartment?

“He arrested, downtime of 35 minutes. We got him back here, about an hour ago, he’s stable now. They’ll move him to paediatric ICU soon, he’s intubated.”

In another world, all those words would mean something to him because he's a doctor, for heaven's sake. But this right now seems like a different reality. Like he's never been to medical school, like he doesn't have 10 years of medical experience.

“Need to see Sunyul.”

Conceding, Dongju guides him through the crowd again, this time tapping someone who was stood directly by the bed on the shoulder and letting Seoho take her place.

Sunyul looks little, like he has shrunk. His skin looks pale. His shirt has been removed and there are two pads attached to the front of his chest, connected to a monitor that is displaying a steady rhythm. There is a tube in his mouth, that is connected to a ventilator. His chest is rising and falling, set to the rhythm of the mechanical ventilator. He is connected to a whole host of tubes and lines, being given all sorts of medications to keep him alive and stable.

Thus far, all he wanted to do was see his son. Now that he is stood right in front of Sunyul, he doesn’t know what to do. His brain is not able to programme any further, now that his preliminary destination has been reached. His heart takes over, filling him with the desire to swoop down, rip Sunyul away from all these uncomfortable tubes and machines and hold him in his chest and never let him go.

It’s a stupid, stupid thought. He is out of his mind, but a part of him is trying to hold onto the quickly disintegrating crumbs of logic. Instead, he settles for stroking Sunyul’s small palm and wrapping his fingers around the tiny thumb.

There is not a thing he can do for his son, his son that he loves so much. He feels powerless. Is this how it feels to be paralysed, to be locked in? Why does it hurt so much?

There are lots of voices around him, some speaking in hushed tones, others loud, giving orders. But it’s all like a thick smog of noise to him. But among all this white noise, he picks up a voice that carries to him loud and clear. His brain is suddenly magically able to concentrate and latch onto the voice – it pulls at him, anchoring him. As he tries to focus, the voice stops and the next moment, he feels an arm around his waist. He doesn’t even have to raise his head to see who it is because he knows the warmth, the shadow too well. 

For a fraction of a second, it’s almost as if they are stood by the twins’ bed, saying goodnight, except everything is wrong.

“Geonhak,” he tries to say but the whisper doesn’t even reach his own ears. Yet, he feels more grounded, bits and pieces of his sanity returning to him. The fog is lifted slightly, and he picks up words and phrases, processing them slowly. 

“We need to move him now, transfer team, ready?” someone says. It brings a change to his surroundings. There is a flurry of activity around him, as if they’re preparing for something. 

“Youngjo hyung will receive him in ICU,” someone is talking to Geonhak, it’s probably Dongju. 

“He is working tonight too?” Geonhak asks, his voice like a cold wave of water, waking him up from slumber. 

“No, he came in. I told Keonhee hyung. They are both here.” 

Youngjo, Keonhee…they are all people he knows well; maybe, Currently, he barely knows himself. But he knows Geonhak, and he knows his warmth. Desperate for more, he hides his face in his chest, causing his other arm to wrap around him protectively.

Who knows how long they stay like that but when he finally raises his head, the transfer team is ready to take Sunyul up to ICU. Yes, that’s where they are taking him, like Dongju said. It’s a place for really really sick kids. 

Sunyul is sick. 

The thoughts swirl in his head, feeling recognisable but unfamiliar at the same time. The rest of the people move out of the way. A man wearing the ED scrubs comes up to them. He knows this man – Yoo Sangyeon, is it? The pediatric ED consultant?

“He will be fine,” he tells them, “kids are unexpectedly resilient from my experience as a paediatric doctor.” He smiles at them. “One we have settled him down in ICU, you can spend some time with him.”

For some reason, he feels relieved. Sunyul will be taken care of. They are surrounded by friends, or at least acquaintances. They will all look after Sunyul. If they’re looking after Sunyul, then where is…

“Sunjae?” he looks up at the only face that offers some comfort to him now.

“He is with Hwanwoong and Hyejin noona.”

“I need to go and get Sunjae.” He won’t let the twins out of his eyesight ever again. He follows Geonhak out of ED into the waiting room where Hwanwoong is sitting with Sunjae on his lap. Hyejin stands up and looks at them expectantly.

“They have taken him to ICU, he’s stable,” Geonhak tells her as way of assurance.

Seoho barely looks at her. Instead, he holds his arms out for Sunjae, who readily transfers into his chest, curling up. Like in a trance, he makes his way towards the lift to go up to paediatric ICU. His brain has shifted from not knowing the basic things to running on autopilot. Like how he knows which lift button to press to go up to paeds ICU but if someone asked him what he’s doing, he would have no explanation. A few other people bundle into the lift but he hardly cares. All that matters is Sunjae is in his arms. 

He is asked to wait in front of the glass doors just before paediatric ICU by a nurse while the doctors help settle Sunyul down. There is a long bench just opposite to the doors to which Geonhak guides Hyejin. 

“He’ll be okay,” he says but no one knows who it’s addressed to. Seoho thinks it may just be addressed to himself, to help him cope. Because Geonhak has a coping mechanism, doesn’t he? For the first time since they got the phone call from Hyejin, he looks at his husband’s face, truly sees him. Before, in the car, he was afraid to look at him, lest it was more broken than he was feeling. 

Geonhak’s eyes are red, his hair tousled. His lips are a thin stiff line, flanked by a semi-grimace, as if he has a constant toothache. If there had been tears there before, they don’t exist anymore. Geonhak bends down in front of his sister, touching her knees in a reassuring manner. In the pit of his stomach, Seoho feels a fire erupt. He looks away.

After some time, walking up to Seoho, Geonhak places an arm around him, but he shies away from his touch. He doesn’t quite know why he does it. He doesn’t want to think about it. Sunjae is quiet, with his thumb in his mouth. He looks tired, ready to fall asleep.

Half an hour passes quietly, during which Seoho paces up and down the corridor and Hyejin cries softly into her hands. Dongju and Hwanwoong are stood beside Geonhak and he dimly notices they are holding hands, probably for emotional support. They are really close to Geonhak - Dongju is like a younger brother to him. They know the twins too well, having spent many weekends at their house with them. Finally, Youngjo comes out of ICU. He is in full ICU gear, with a stethoscope around his neck. He wasn’t even supposed to be here tonight but he has come in, just for them. He won't get paid for this. He has come out of the goodness of his heart. By now, his mind has cleared up a lot.

“Do you want to see him?” he asks Seoho.

“Yes!”

“Unfortunately, we can only allow 2 people by the bedside, Seoho, Geonhak, do you guys want to come in first?”

“I want to see Sunyul,” Sunjae speaks out for the first time, raising his head.

Smiling at him, Youngjo says, “Alright then, why don’t you come with me? No one can say anything if you’re with me.”

Youngjo takes Sunjae while Seoho and Geonhak follow him to Sunyul’s bedside. He has been put in his own room; one of the ICU nurses are sat beside him on a computer. He is hooked up to several machines monitoring all his vital signs. He has a breathing tube in his mouth which is connected to a ventilator. He has been changed into hospital pyjamas. He looks peaceful. 

“Sunyul, baby,” Seoho lurches forward, taking his hand in his and bringing it up to his mouth to kiss it. His eyes start to water again. His heart wrenches painfully. 

Youngjo takes Sunjae closer to Sunyul and allows him to touch his cheek. 

“He is sleeping peacefully at the moment so we don’t want to wake him, okay?”

“Is he hurt very badly?” Sunjae asks timidly.

Before anyone can think of anything to say, Youngjo replies, “He is hurt, but we are here to help him get better. It is because we are magicians.”

“I know you’re not magicians, you are a doctor like my daddy and papa.” Sunjae plants a kiss on Youngjo’s cheek. “So I know you’ll make Sunyullie better.”

Seoho’s legs shake as he tries not to choke with tears. 

They stay there, like that, as a family, as a unit, with Youngjo watching over them. This is not the family he envisioned.

“Shall we go back?” Youngjo finally proposes softly. 

He nods but makes no move to let go of Sunyul’s hand. Geonhak almost picks him up by his waist; he doesn’t protest but his body is listless.

Outside ICU, Youngjo suggests that they go into his office to update them about Sunyul’s clinical condition. 

“I want to know as well,” Hyejin says, suddenly alert.

Youngjo looks at Geonhak questioningly, who nods in agreement. Once again, Seoho feels a different sensation – pain? No. Anger?

The three of them pack into Youngjo’s office, leaving Sunjae with Hwanwoong and Dongju.

“I’m one of Geonhak and Seoho’s friends,” Youngjo introduces himself to Hyejin before starting. “I’ll try to explain it simply. Sunyul is very unwell. We know he drowned. That caused his lungs to fill with water, so he couldn’t breathe oxygen and because of that his heart also stopped.”

Hyejin shudders visibly.

“We know his heart was stopped for quite a while and even though we were artificially trying to do the heart’s job through CPR, it’s not as good. We finally managed to restart his heart but his consciousness did not come back, so we’re having to support his breathing using the ventilator machine. The problem is,” Youngjo sighs softly, “when your body remains without oxygen for a long period of time, a lot of your organs suffer damage, mainly the brain. In Sunyul’s case we have scanned the brain and it shows...” Youngjo clicks on his computer, then turns the screen towards Geonhak and Seoho. “It shows areas of damage because of low oxygen.”

Seoho looks at the CT scan of the brain.

He’s seen many brain scans in his life, granted none of them are from children. It feels weird to watch the brain from his own son. Among the murky gray and white, he can see patches that shouldn’t be there. There are a thousand words he could normally use to describe what he’s seeing, specialist definitions and jargon that would normally come easily to his tongue. Geonhak probably knew it all – he could see how damaged their son was. All he can think of is that the scan is grossly abnormal and there is a good chance that a lot of the abnormality will remain that way, never to recover. 

In other words, his son will never be the same again.

“Is he going to get better?” Hyejin asks, her voice choked with tears.

As a parent, that’s a question he would have asked but as a doctor he already knows the answer.

“We will try our best,” Youngjo says genuinely, squeezing Hyejin’s hand. Whether it is a part of being a paediatric doctor or just a part of Youngjo’s personality, he looks empathetic, genuine. That is a reason why all his patients and their parents love him. He looks after the sickest of children in ICU but he somehow still has it in himself to look bright and understanding and optimistic. “It will take time. But all our time and effort should amount to something, I’m certain. I can’t promise you Sunyul will be exactly the same as he was before.” He looks at Seoho at this point, as if this was as much for him as for Hyejin. This is the point where he chooses to switch. It is too much for him to endure. Too much information, it isn’t welcome at all. Youngjo can probably read the expression on his face, so instead he turns to Geonhak. Geonhak, who is always logical, who knows how to deal with his emotions, who forgives easily. “But we will do everything we can.”

“I want to go now,” Seoho says abruptly. He doesn’t want to hear anymore. What difference would it make if he knew more?

“Let’s get you home,” Geonhak agrees.

Seoho sends him a venomous look. “I’m not talking about going home, I want to be by Sunyul’s bed.”

Geonhak looks at Youngjo helplessly. Is Seoho too much to deal with? Probably, at this moment. But if he doesn’t like this Seoho, he can leave. 

“Seoho-ah, let me look after Sunyul now, you know I’m the right person, right?” Youngjo tells him gently.

“Yes, but I just want to be there for him...”

“Look, I promise the moment he opens his eyes, I’ll call you. You need to come and be here for him tomorrow. Go home now, take some rest. Besides, Sunjae needs you too.”

It sounds like a reasonable thing someone sane would say. He trusts Youngjo, he trusts him with his life. He’s known him for a very long time. Finally, he gives in. He’s too tired, too emotionally spent to argue.

He lets Geonhak drive him home. Hwanwoong offers to drive Hyejin to her place. Even though Hyejin lives only about 15 minutes away from them, he is glad that Geonhak hasn’t offered to drop her off. 

Sunjae falls asleep in the car. When they arrive, he takes him in his arms and lays him down in his bed surreptitiously. He doesn’t wake up. As he showers, his thoughts are fixed on Sunyul, how small he looked in the hospital bed. He hopes he is not in pain. After he puts on his nightclothes, he walks into the twins’ room and as quietly as possible, climbs into bed beside Sunjae. The bed is obviously too small for him and he has to bend his knees to fit into it. But clasping his arms around Sunjae loosely stabilizes him.

Everything hurts - his eyes, his head, his body, his soul. His eyelids are heavy with fatigue. When his eyes almost shut with sleep, Geonhak appears.

“Seoho?”

He doesn’t want to talk but he also knows his husband won’t stop until he gives him some kind of explanation.

“I want to stay with Sunjae tonight, please.”

There is a long sigh.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Please.”

Bending down, Geonhak presses a kiss to Sunjae’s forehead. He probably wants to do the same to Seoho but refrains from doing so. He must have noticed earlier, how he shied away from his touch. 

“Goodnight,” he whispers, before exiting the room. 

Geonhak is always strong, unwavering. He could never be Geonhak.

He can only be his own pathetic self.


	10. Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist for this chapter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFl4UZc3LEA, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IH_z74wfLg

Geonhak gets into his cold bed, feeling a sense of loneliness he has never experienced before. He bites down hard to stop himself from crying. He feels like the shell of a man. It feels like a nightmare, one that he will wake up from soon hopefully and everything will be alright.

At the hospital, he could barely look at Sunyul; his small body looked so lifeless, paralysed. Instead, he had watched Seoho, hunched over Sunyul, his eyes red, his cheeks stained with tears.

He’s seen Seoho cry before, on rare occasions. He had always been there to comfort him. But today, he didn’t know what to say. So, in order not to see the excruciating sight, he watched the monitors connected to Sunyul, hoping the familiar machines and numbers would steady his heart, knowing they are keeping his son alive. 

When they were about to leave Youngjo’s office, the older had motioned him to stay back for a minute. He was worried – was he going to tell him something he hasn’t told the others? Was Sunyul actually worse off than he had made it out to be? But instead, Youngjo had surprised him.

“Geonhak, I know this is not a great time and I hate to impose this on you but…look after Seoho, won’t you?”

He searched Youngjo’s face at the unusual request, wondering what exactly he was hinting at. 

“What do you mean, hyung?”

“He…you know he doesn’t have much of a coping system?”

“Hyung, I know…”

He suddenly remembered that Youngjo used to be in love with Seoho. Back in medical school, he was a close senior and even though they have never actually dated, Youngjo pined after him. But he was very subtle about it, or maybe he had gotten away because of his character, how he was always touchy-feely and lovey-dovey with everyone he met. After Geonhak and Seoho got married, Youngjo had admitted one day to Geonhak, while drinking by themselves, that he used to have feelings for Seoho. Of course, after that, many years has passed and Youngjo met Keonhee and felt hopelessly in love with him. But because of that, because he used to pay so much attention, he knows Seoho very well, almost as well as Geonhak does. 

“I will look after him, hyung. I will look after my family.”

He promised Youngjo he would look after Seoho. He had promised Seoho he would look after him forever when they got married – he actually made a point of writing it in his wedding vow. And he has always done it, no matter how tired or depressed or anxious Seoho was, he has always managed to look after him. But this is the first time he feels the burden of it, the weight of how hard it is tugs at him.

Seoho and he are both strong, in different ways. But Geonhak is always more resilient. Many a times, he has had to pick up several smithereens of Seoho and put him back together. This time should be no different. 

Except this time, he is in pieces too. 

This time, he has refused to process what’s happening, right in front of his eyes. The fact that his son, the son he loves more than his own life, was so close to death’s door. But even more importantly, the fact that his Sunyul, his bright intelligent active Sunyul, will never be the same again.

He has looked at the scan of his brain and as a neurosurgeon, he knows how to interpret brain scans in his life. Enough to know that there is no way Sunyul wouldn’t be left with some disability or other once he fully recovers. And that recovery would take time; months at the very least, maybe even years. The pain will probably numb with time, they’ll get used to seeing Sunyul the way he is now, different from other children his age, different from Sunjae. The twins won’t be able to hit the same milestones, they won’t be in the same class in school. Sunjae will be ahead, he will be able to do things his brother can’t, he would leave him behind one day.

He shivers as he thinks about the future. How much of it is his fault? How much of it is their failure as parents?

They will obviously love Sunyul the same. But if Sunyul knows, would he blame them? Would he blame Hyejin? Does he blame Hyejin?

They could never repay everything his sister has done for the twins - from the moment they had adopted them, she had become very much a part of their small family. Sunyul and Sunjae spent more time with her than them, what with her being their kindergarten teacher too. One lapse of judgment shouldn’t – couldn’t undo all of it. When he saw how broken Hyejin was, he knew he had forgiven him. But Seoho was different.

To begin with, as close as they are, Hyejin is not Seoho’s sister. He is also the less forgiving out of the two of them. Seoho hasn’t said anything about it, of course, or hurled accusations at her. But Seoho is never talkative. Geonhak has learned to read his body language and the silence when he is not speaking. It’s taken him years, but tonight, it was clear to him that Seoho does blame Hyejin. Perhaps it is just the initial shock reaction, perhaps it’s the only way for him to process things, but right now, he can’t even look her in the eye. Geonhak hopes it would change with time.

Unable to fall asleep in their shared bed, he gets up and walks to the living room. He makes himself comfortable on the sofa, arranging the cushion under his neck, and looking up at the ceiling. When they first moved into this apartment, just a few months before they got married, this sofa was the first furniture they bought together. They have always had their own places – this apartment was the first shared space they go together.

A year into dating Seoho, he knew he was the one he would spend the rest of his life with. Seoho was more cautious, more calculative, always trying to be absolutely sure. Which is why, when Seoho popped the question first, it took him by surprise. The fact that Seoho wanted to make their relationship permanent, in pen and paper, was something he didn’t think he would be capable of. Geonhak had planned to coax or bully (whatever it took) Seoho into marrying him. Seoho loved him and he knew no one else would take care of him or love him like the way he did. Many a times, he had tried to convince Seoho to give up his flat and move in together, but Seoho hadn’t agreed, just in case. So he thought he would never want to marry him. 

But before he could force Seoho in anyway, he had proposed, leaving him both speechless and ecstatic. He actually cried. 

He had asked Seoho later what had changed, what had made him realise that it was okay to trust him completely. Seoho had only looked at him strangely before shaking his head and saying, “I don’t know, something fell into place, something clicked. I have no doubts you love me, I just needed to be sure you’d love me forever.”

So after five years of playing hardball, they got married, moved into this apartment. They bought the furniture themselves, picking out every little thing carefully. They weren’t just decorating the house, they were setting up their life together. Seoho had really liked this sofa, how comfortable it was, how it had just enough room to house them both, side by side. On cold days, they would snuggle on the sofa together, sometimes Seoho had his head on his lap, reading something on his iPad while Geonhak’s laptop would rest on the armrest while he typed away. 

Geonhak had thought it would always be the two of them against the world. He loves kids but he knows Seoho was not particularly enthusiastic about children. He had expected that he would never have kids of his own and he was okay with that. But Seoho had surprised him a second time, proposing that they adopt. At first Geonhak had thought that he did it to make him happy, but when he realized that Seoho was more worried about raising kids than actually hating kids, he had finally signed the papers.

He can’t remember the exact moment he fell asleep on the sofa but he woke up to the whooshing sound of the electric kettle. His neck feels stiff and he massages it, sitting up. The blanket falls off his upper body – it wasn’t there when he fell asleep. While folding the blanket out of habit, he plods into the kitchen. Seoho is pouring hot water into a mug. He probably hears Geonhak, as he reaches for another mug, and adds a tea bag to it before pouring the steaming water.

Without a word, he adds milk to one mug and pushes it noiselessly across the table to Geonhak.

Swallowing a mouthful of steaming tea and almost burning his mouth, Geonhak tries to search for something to say that wouldn’t set Seoho off. Seoho’s eyes look puffy and red, dry tear streaks across his swollen cheeks – he hasn’t slept. Maybe he too had left Sunjae’s bed and crept into the living room to look for some comfort on the sofa. When he had seen Geonhak there, instead of crawling into his arms like he normally does, he’s tucked him in and left. Did he perhaps want Geonhak to have some warmth? Then why is he so cold towards him?

“Did you get any sleep?” he finally asks, despite thinking of all the icy comebacks Seoho could up with.

They have had their fair share of fights. When they fight, Seoho acts in one of two ways – he either goes very quiet and gives him the silent treatment, or he is very cruel. More often, he opts for silence, but sometimes, when he gets cruel, he hurts Geonhak like crazy, just with his words. He’s not sure which one is worse.

Seoho ignores the question, sipping his own tea, leaning against the kitchen counter. It’s going to be the silent treatment. 

“We should call the school, tell them what’s happened and that Sunjae won’t be able to go for a few days.”

Seoho’s looking at the floor, or the marble top of the counter, or the walls – anywhere but at him. Geonhak understands what he’s going through, because he is going through the same. He can empathise. But he doesn’t understand why he is being punished. Now, if ever, they should be coming together, comforting each other. They only have each other to fall back on. So why…

“I’ll let work know that we’re taking time off. But they probably already know, the whole hospital knows.” Nothing at all. He could be just as well be talking to the wall. “I should let my parents know as well. Do you want to call your mom?”

Seoho’s face hardens and he glares at him with his bloodshot eyes. At least some acknowledgement, it’s better than nothing.

Before he can think of something else to say, his phone buzzes from his bedroom. Jumping to his feet, he goes to get the call. Even Seoho looks up.

It’s only a text from Youngjo: ‘Sunyul’s stable. I’m going home now, day team is taking over. All ok, take your time.’

“He’s fine,” Geonhak shouts because Seoho has not followed him into the bedroom. “Youngjo hyung said he’s stable.”

He could go back to the kitchen and try and get a response out of his husband but he’s too tired for that. So instead, he hops into the shower. By the time he walks into Sunjae’s room, having dressed to go out, Seoho had snuck into the bedroom and had gotten dressed. Sunjae is still sleeping.

“Should we leave him with Hyejin noona? There’s no need to take him to the hospital.”

“No,” comes the firm answer. Seoho doesn’t look at him but his back is square, the way he gets when he is being very stubborn and nothing would change his mind.

Sighing, he tries to reason with him. “Hospital is not a good place for a child. He will get bored and he will see other sick children-”

He can see the internal struggle play out in Seoho’s eyes – in one hand, he wants to never let Sunjae out of his sight again. But he also wants to be by Sunyul’s side and he knows it’s not appropriate for Sunjae to be there.

Rubbing his temple, he tries to think. He knows what Seoho is feeling, so he tries to be considerate. It’s not his fault. His grief, his anxiety, his guilt is making him lash out, like a wounded animal. There is no rhyme or reason, which makes it harder for him to calm him down. That and the fact that he himself is in the same shade of blue Seoho is, in mourning.

“I’ll see if Dongju or Hwanwoong is free,” he finally says. It’s a peace offering. He knows Seoho has lost trust in Hyejin. But he won’t push it. He won’t fight for his sister’s honour, not right now anyway. 

If Seoho is touched, he definitely doesn’t show it. Instead, he says, “I’ll call Keonhee.”

For a second, he feels irritated. Seoho is now doing the other thing, being cruel. There is an implication here that Seoho would trust his friend to look after Sunjae more than Geonhak’s, even though he knows both Dongju and Hwanwoong – they are all mutual friends really. But it’s his way of pushing Geonhak away by hurting him when he is not happy with him – whether he is doing it intentionally or instinctively right now is another question.

Keonhee agrees to meet them in the hospital to pick up Sunaje. 

They get to the hospital in silence. Seoho gets in the passenger seat wordlessly, turning back from time to time to watch Sunjae sleep in the back seat. None of them have had breakfast but Geonhak is way too much of a coward to bring it up. He’s already wounded, he could do with less of Seoho’s icy words.

Keonhee is waiting for them in front of the ICU doors. He hugs Seoho, wrapping his long arms around him tightly and holding onto for a while. It’s a mark of how much he is not himself that Seoho lets him. He’s never been a fan of other people touching him, even if it is friends. When he breaks off, he turns to Geonhak and nods at him – it’s an understanding sympathetic nod that says condolences. 

He has noticed how so much of the real empathy happened noiselessly, without the use of words. At times like this, words fall short. 

“Sunjae-ah, is it okay if you spend some time with uncle Keonhee?”

“I will buy you something delicious,” Keonhee coos, reaching for Sunjae, who is being carried by Geonhak. “What do you want? Ice cream? Milkshake?”

“Pizza,” Sunjae says, transferring into Keonhee’s arms.

“Pizza for breakfast? That sounds like my style!”

Sunjae giggles sleepily.

“Youngjo hyung?”

“Youngjo is gone, bless him. He stayed up all night but I went home. So I told him to leave while I wait for you guys.”

“Thanks for doing this,” Seoho whispers.

“Are you mad? Don’t thank me. Take your time, don’t worry about Sunjae; none of us are working today. You can pick him up whenever. If he has to stay the night, that’s okay too.”

Geonhak waves Sunjae goodbye and then enters ICU behind Seoho. They go to Sunyul’s room. There is a nurse there, a different one from yesterday. She smiles at them and updates them about Sunyul. Nothing has changed overnight and he is still stable. He is still sedated, unable to breathe for himself, but his oxygen requirement is getting better – which is a good sign.

It’s hard for him to watch his son hooked up to all these machines that usually the patients he has operated on have to use. His heart churns painfully, like someone’s twisting a knife into his chest, clockwise, anticlockwise, relentlessly.

Bending down next to the bed, Seoho takes Sunyul’s hand, kissing it softly. His breath is shaky and he knows he is trying very hard to not cry.

“Could you please give us some time alone?” he asks the nurse, who looks conflicted. Because the patients in ICU are all under constant monitoring, there has to be a nurse present with each patient all the time. “It’s okay, we are doctors too. If we need you, we will ring the bell.”

Nodding, she makes her way out of the room. As the door shuts, Seoho’s barrier breaks and he starts crying, pressing his forehead into the bed.

He wants to say something, he really does. He wants to comfort him in any way possible. But watching Seoho cry only hurts him further. He drags one of the chairs in the room by the bed and picks his husband up from the ground and steers him onto it. Thankfully, he doesn’t protest. 

Bending over, Geonhak plants a kiss on Sunyul’s forehead. His skin is clammy. Brushing the hair out of his eyes, he whispers a few words into his ears that he knows he can’t hear in the sedated state. But he finds it much easier to speak to his unconscious child than Seoho.

The longer he spends time in the room, it becomes stifling. When the nurse returns, he leaves, knowing there isn’t any point asking Seoho to come with him for breakfast.

There are still a few things he would need to take care of because Seoho definitely won’t. He rings the school and the staffing team at the hospital to let them know. When his parents hear the news, they cry and try to comfort him. He asks them to speak to Hyejin, who no doubt must be feeling terrible.

“Take care of Seoho,” they say before the call ends.

The people who know them have their relationship dynamics figured out – Geonhak is the protector, the root, anchoring Seoho. So it falls onto him to support Seoho at times like these.

On his way down, he meets other doctors and nurses who have all heard by now and they all look at him with sad puppy eyes, offering him their condolences and reassurances. They all seem empty even though he knows they mean well. This is something they have probably never had to deal with and therefore don’t know what would be appropriate to say. In fact, he doesn’t know what he wants to hear. Good wishes, prayers, questions…he just prefers for it to be quiet.

As he sits down to a lonely breakfast, he tries to think about something else. Anything at all. He knows Seoho can’t help but be the way he is. He knew what he was getting into. He remembers the day Seoho told him, even though he knew already.

It was when he was in his first year of internship and Seoho had started his residency; they had been dating for two years. Geonhak was on the bed in his hospital staff accommodation, his knees bent, his laptop perched on the surface of the top of his joined knees made. He was reading a scientific article, trying to get it all inside his head for the presentation tomorrow. 

From the corner of his eyes, he saw Seoho enter the bedroom. They knew each other’s pin codes to get into their houses so it wasn’t a surprise that Seoho had managed to noiselessly infiltrate his bedroom. That’s what he usually did. Normally when he saw Geonhak work, he would sit at the corner of the bed and wait patiently for him to finish. Today, however, he got on the bed, on all fours, and started crawling towards Geonhak’s legs. 

When he reached them, he pried his knees open and crawled further, settling himself between Geonhak’s legs. It was definitely different to how he normally acted but Geonhak didn’t say anything, just waited to see where it went, while trying to read the letters on his laptop.

The next moment, Seoho took a hold of his laptop and gently placed it on the bedside table.

“What-” he started to say but Seoho didn’t let him get very far. 

Leaning forward he pressed a kiss to his lips. Now, in the two years he had known Seoho, he had never really initiated any physical intimacy. He welcomed it when Geonhak started it but he never truly took the initiative. So, this was all new waters but he wasn’t sure what had prompted the change.

As surprising as it was, Geonhak was pleased. He tilted his head and stuck his tongue into Seoho’s mouth, kissing him slowly. He could feel Seoho’s hands on the sides of his body, digging into him, as he kissed him urgently. When they broke for air, Seoho didn’t give up and started kissing Geonhak’s neck, creating a line littered with kisses against his neck, dragging his tongue down to his collarbone and nibbling on it. As pleased as he was, Geonhak wasn’t planning on a sexy evening and he didn’t even know what’s possessed Seoho to start this all of a sudden.

After Seoho had almost definitely created a prominent hickey on his collarbone, he put his arms around his neck and rested his head against the crook oh his neck.  
“I need to tell you something,” he finally said.

“What?”

Seoho missed a beat. He was probably building up courage. “I…I suffer from anxiety.”

“Oh.” Geonhak was so relieved that he laughed. He wasn’t laughing at Seoho having anxiety, but more the fact that he was expecting something bad, like he was leaving him or something.

“You’re laughing? This isn’t a joke.”

“Seoho, anyone who has known you more than 10 minutes knows you have anxiety, and I am a doctor.”

“What?” Seoho’s head snapped up and he was frowning hard.

“Okay, I’m being unfair. But anyone who knows you well enough can guess that you have generalised anxiety disorder. But that’s okay.”

Seoho bit his lips. “Am I that bad?”

“It’s fine,” Geonhak reassured him. “It’s something you can’t help, it’s just a condition.”

“And?”

“And what?” he blinked confusedly.

“Are you going to break up with me?”

Geonhak was puzzled beyond words. “Why would I break up with you?”

“Because I’m hard work, because I sometimes get these uncontrollable anxiety attacks, and I always, always worry about stupid things? You’ll get tired of it.”

“Seoho, if I had diabetes, would you have broken up with me based on just that? It’s just another manageable condition and I will help you manage it. That’s all.”

His boyfriend looked like he wasn’t prepared for his reaction. “How long have you known?”

“Let’s see,” he pretended to think hard, “oh yes, the moment I asked for your number the day we met and you went into a full-blown shaky anxiety attack.”

“You’ve known all along?”

“Yes, my darling.”

“Why have you never said anything?”

“I didn’t want to pry. And I didn’t want to make you anxious about your anxiety.”

“Ha-ha,” he chuckled mirthlessly. “And all this time I was plucking up the courage to tell you and worrying about you leaving me when you find out.”

“Was that what the smooch was for? To remind me what I’d be missing out if I left you?”

Seoho pushed his shoulder, making a face.

“Well, sometimes I get really bad and I have to take medications.”

“I know.”

“Wait, don’t tell me when you would come over before my exams and just stay over – that was because you knew I’d get anxiety attacks?”

He smiled.

“I wanted to be there for you.”

Turning his head away, he said, “I don’t how long you can stand it. Sometimes even I get annoyed with myself.”

“Bad news, Lee Seoho, I’m not going to leave. I’m going to marry you and I’m going to love you forever.”

Breaking into a smile, Seoho made to get out of the bed, but Geonhak stopped him by holding onto his arm.

“What?”

“You need to finish what you started, sir.”

“What do you mean?”

He pointed at the tent in his pants, which was of course Seoho’s fault to begin with.

There was a twinkle in his eyes.

“I guess that’s a small price to pay.”


	11. Intro: LIVED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, leave me a line if you're enjoying it. And I've made a playlist if someone wants background music!  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7wujdjtltDW8hITvi8QVfq

Seoho doesn’t know how long it’s been since Geonhak has left the room. The nurse is sat in her corner, typing away things on the computer, sometimes coming over to check on Sunyul and reposition him slightly, adjusting the drips, before going back to her desk.

It’s almost as if she is not in the room and it’s just him and his son, even though Sunyul has no idea that he is sitting by him, holding his hand, praying for him.

At this moment, he hates everyone and everything, including himself. The only pure things in the world are his sons. Apart from that, everything is rotten. He cries until he has no more tears and his eyes feel dry and gritty. In his head, he plays the scene when he watched the Sunyul wave him goodbye before they drove away. He was smiling at him, telling him to bring back presents from their trip. But as he keeps waving, his smile turns into a grimace and all of a sudden Sunyul is crying and calling out for him. He is screaming and Seoho bangs at the window, pleading with someone to let him out, so that he can run to his son.

_Sunyul needs him._

He watches helplessly as Sunyul’s eyes become red from crying and there is blood coming out of his mouth due to screaming and he can feel it, he can physically feel the pain his child is in but there’s nothing he can do because an iron fist has gripped his arms and is keeping him in place. He wants to shout Sunyul’s name, to let him know that papa is here for him, but he can’t even do that. No sound comes out of his mouth while Sunyul’s small body crumples.

There is nothing he can do. _Please, please, please. Give me strength_ , he pleads.

“Sunyul!”

Finally, the word erupts out of his mouth and time stands still. Everything freezes over, and it’s just him suspended in time. Where’s Sunyul?

“Sunyul?”

His body is drenched. His insides are freezing. Everything is frosted over.

“Seoho?”

When he opens his eyes, he half expects to see darkness. But instead, the white ICU room meets his sight. Sunyul is in his bed, just as he last saw him, breathing to the rhythm of the ventilator. Standing by the bed in ICU scrubs is…

“What are you doing here?” he screams. A jolt of pain streaks from his spine into his head, making him feel nauseated. His finger shakes as he points at the apparition in front of him. Surely, he must still be having a nightmare. The figure in front of him can’t be real.

“As you know very well, Seoho, I’m a paediatric ICU consultant. I’m in charge here today.” The voice, the voice is just the same, gravelly but soft, calm and condescending. As he says it, he smiles, no, smirks. “Long time no see. I’m glad I ran into you here today.”

Legs trembling, he stands to his feet, knowing well he doesn’t have the energy for anything else. What cruel joke was fate playing on him? Why does it have to be now, today?

“Nurse Yoona, would you mind stepping outside for a second?”

“Yes, Dr Kim.”

The numbness pools at the pit of his stomach as the nurse leaves and it’s just the two of them in the room now, with Sunyul lying unconscious between them.

“Seoho-ah, I’m so sorry about this.” There is no authenticity in his voice, no real compassion. It’s just as cold as the tips of his fingers, freezing. “But I’m so glad to see you again.”

Seoho’s mind is reeling – sordid memories start attacking his neurons, which he had locked up in a corner. It all comes flowing out until it overpowers every happy memory, every bit of strength he has. Placing his hands on either sides of his head, he squeezes painfully, hoping it would push the nightmares back into the corner.

“I told you, Seoho, you can’t do it without me. You need me. You need me to help you. To save you.”

His ear drums hurt as he hears the familiar voice utter exactly the same words he’s said so many times. Every time he’d hurt him, he’d said the same thing.

“You need me, Lee Seoho, you fucking need me in your life. You need me to save you, because you’re not capable of functioning on your own.”

One of the monitors starts beeping, awakening the sane part of his bran. One of the settings on the ventilator is flashing dangerously and while he panics, trying to think straight, the other man walks over calmly and pushes a few buttons, causing the alarm to stop. He understands a bit too late what the problem was but he knows it’s fixed now. On any other occasion, he would have known exactly what to do. This is what he does for a living. But he is not in the right headspace.

He hates how helpless he is; despite all his degrees and training, he can’t even help his own son. And he had to watch while the man he hates with all his guts fixed it.

“You don’t seem pleased that I’m back?” he cocks his head, an amused look in his eyes. “Trust me Seoho-ah, now that I’m back, everything will be alright.”

He walks across the room, coming to stand right in front of Seoho. Placing a hand on his shoulder with a condescending smile, he says, “I’m here to help you, Seoho-ah. You need me.”

The touch reminds him of the pain and every old wound and scar on his body starts to burn. The feeling of being a prisoner descends on him. It’s a darkness he can’t find a path through, a desolate prison.

A he sinks deeper and deeper into this cesspool of apathy, he remembers another touch. A softer, gentler, warmer touch. A hand on his cheek, two small hands on his cheeks. Sunyul, and Sunjae in his arms. And another, bigger warmth. It anchors him to the ground, preventing him from sinking deeper into the darkness. Clarity returns to him, like a gust of wind blowing away the clouds.

He shakes the hand off his shoulder.

“Kim Hyojin, I’ve never needed you in my life, you mean nothing to me, and I most certainly don’t need your help.”

Hyojin was a senior at medical school, two years older than him. He was famous for always coming first, so Seoho had approached him to see if he would share his notes with him. At first glance, Hyojin seemed sweet and supportive. He shared his notes, even offered to tutor him. From the very first day, he didn’t make it a secret that he liked Seoho. He would touch his hand, compliment him too often, get him flowers randomly. Seoho fell head-over-heels. 

For the first few months, Hyojin made him feel like he was the centre of his world.

And then, he transformed.

It wasn’t a swift transformation from prince to a monster. No, it was slow, gradual. He would set rules for him, that got more and more restrictive – it started with things like he had to text Hyojin after his classes finished and gradually went onto he wasn’t allowed to hang out with anyone else or text his friends about non-study related things. Before he could realise what was going on, Hyojin had taken over his life. He would punish him if he didn’t follow the rules, hurt him in bed, but the next morning, he would act like nothing happened and would be the sweetest boyfriend ever.

This continued, and he suffered in silence. When he finally began to realise that he was stuck in a toxic relationship with a sadist boyfriend, he wanted out. But it wasn’t easy because Hyojin always got what he wanted. Several times, he had tried to break up with him but he couldn’t. He couldn’t ask anyone for help either because he had no close friends. He couldn’t tell his parents because they would freak out that he was dating a man. When Hyojin wasn’t watching, he would cry and pray, hoping for relief. Hoping he would have enough courage to run away from everything in life that made him miserable.

Finally, Hyojin graduated and he mustered up the courage to tell him he would never see him again. Hyojin still kept coming back to the medical school to try and talk to Seoho, but eventually had to give up as he was busy with his internship. That was it. That was the last time a man would hurt him, he had promised to himself. He had thought that was the last he had seen of Kim Hyojin.

That was until about a couple of years ago, when Seoul General Hospital had hired a new paediatric ICU consultant. The first time he saw him on the corridor, he had felt a curtain of darkness descend upon him. But thankfully, Geonhak was by his side. He had told Geonhak about Hyojin of course, but when he told him that the same man who had tortured him for many years was here, in this hospital, it had been hard to hold him back. Even though he had managed to convince his husband to not personally confront him, Geonhak would glare at Hyojin every time he would see him in the corridor. 

Surprisingly, Hyojin had not tried to approach Seoho at all. He had completely ignored him, as if he didn’t exist. In a way, Seoho was grateful for that. He had learned to ignore him just the same, feeling as secure as a baby in Geonhak’s arms.

But then Geonhak had left for his sabbatical to Italy. Between looking after the kids by himself and his completion of training exam, he had been struggling. That was when Hyojin approached him, gentle as a cat and innocent as a butterfly, offering help to practice for his exams. At first, Seoho straight up said no. but it was difficult to find anyone else to practice with for his exam as everyone else was busy with work and families. And Hyojin seemed so understanding, so empathetic, completely different from his former self. He had even apologized.

“I’m not 22 anymore, I have learned my lesson. The least I can do now is help you out.”

Anxious and exhausted, he had finally given in. They started practicing together, Hyojin being generous about the time. Everything seemed fine.

Until that fateful night.

Seoho had gone over to Hyojin’s place to practice for interviews, after dropping off the kids at Hyejin’s place. They started with practice interviews that extended late into night. He was so tired after a 12-hour shift, he had shut his eyes for a few minutes on Hyojin’s sofa when the older had come and offered him his bed. He had obviously refused and asked to leave but the older kept on insisting.

“It’s too late, it’s not safe to drive, think about your children. You can sleep in the guest room.”

His body was so worn out that despite his misgivings, he had accepted the offer. How was he to know that Kim Hyojin had not changed one bit, that the master manipulator was still at the top of the game?

In the middle of the night, Hyojin had crept into his bed and had tried to assault him. When he felt Hyojin’s hands on his body, the memories had come flooding in, paralysing him temporarily. All the while, he couldn’t help but think how stupid he had been for falling for it, again. He was an adult, with kids, and yet he couldn’t protect himself. He was weak.

That night he had run away from Hyojin’s place, drenched in shame and guilt. That night, he had a panic attack, the first proper one in years, in his bathroom, as he splashed cold water on his face continuously, trying to rub off the Hyojin from his body.

The next day he had run into Hyojin in the toilet, where the older had laughed at him, calling him weak and helpless.

“You need me, Lee Seoho, I’m the only one who can protect you.”

he had had his next panic attack right there. Luckily, Keonhee had found him in the bathroom.

For days, Hyojin would smirk and scoff at him when they met and a part of him died every time. When he finally had the courage to tell Geonhak what had happened, his husband had been furious. He wanted to come back on the next flight but Seoho had begged him not to. He agreed on one condition – Seoho would have to file a formal complaint against Hyojin. So he had, with encouragement from his husband and Keonhee, although not exactly outlining what had happened. As a result, HR had suspended Kim Hyojin for a year. No one in the hospital knew the real truth about what had happened that night.

When Geonhak had returned, he had apologized for not being there to protect him. 

Even back then, Geonhak hadn’t been there.

Just as he hadn’t been there when Sunyul had drowned.

And he’s not here now, by their son’s side, by his side.

“You don’t mean that Seoho.” Hyojin smiles, causing his insides to jolt. “I don’t see your hulk of a husband here. Has he already abandoned you, because he couldn’t take the crying and the panicking and the anxiety attacks?”

“It’s not true!” he shrieks, clutching at his chest.

“Is it not?” Hyojin raises an eyebrow derisively. “Tell me Seoho, has he not got tired of you yet? Who, apart from me, knows how to control your pathetic self, your insecurities and your baseless anxieties? How long do you think Geonhak will tolerate you?”

Shaking with rage, he stutters, “Stop talking about him. I want another doctor for Sunyul. I wouldn’t let you touch my son.”

Smirking, Hyojin replies, “It’s not your son I want to touch.” He licks his lips slowly, his snake-like eyes trained on Seoho’s.

“You’re sick. You make me sick!”

He shakes his head lightly. “I get off on you being in pain. It’s not that big of a deal. Everyone has turn-ons.”

“Do you have no shame? Or any empathy? That’s my son lying there in a coma. This is what you want to talk about right now?”

“What can I do Seoho?” Hyojin grabs his chin, his skin burning at the touch. “Right now, I can see you’re in so much pain, so miserable, so humiliated, and it’s making me _so_ hard.”

Before he knows what he is doing, he slaps Hyojin hard across his cheek. His hand doesn’t even tremble. His eyes are wet but they stare right at the man in front of him, burning like two black coals.

Letting him go, Hyojin stumbles back a bit in shock. In all the time he’s done terrible things to him, Seoho has never hit him back. He had defended himself, but he had never hit Hyojin.

Something in him has snapped. He is not afraid of Hyojin anymore, and he definitely doesn’t care.

While Hyojin watches him in pure shock, the door slides open and Geonhak enters. He looks from Seoho to Hyojin, his brows furrowed.

“What are you doing here?” he finally asks.

“My job,” Hyojin replies scornfully. “If your delinquent husband lets me.”

“We don’t want you to look after Sunyul.” Geonhak’s eyes are hard.

“Why? Are you worried Seoho wouldn’t be able to keep it in his pants if he saw me around more?”

Seoho watches, as if in slow motion, as Geonhak launches himself towards Hyojin with all the anger in his body that he can muster. But before he can make an impact, Seoho stops him, holding onto his waist with all his might. It’s very hard, holding Geonhak back when he is in this state but he heaves with all his strength.

“Geonhak, please,” he whispers in his ear. His body falls flat and he stops struggling against Seoho’s arms.

“Come here you lunatic, apologise now!” he growls.

Seoho lets his husband go. “Stop it. I don’t need you to defend my honour.”

He hates it. Geonhak wasn’t there, he’s never there. What is he trying to prove now?

Geonhak’s turns to look at him, his eyes hurt.

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, it’s simple. Can’t you see? You’re never there for him, when he truly needs you. Or your children. He has no need for you.”

Whether or not Geonhak hears Hyojin’s crass words, he’s not sure. But his eyes are fixed on him, questioning, asking for an explanation.

Without a single word, Seoho exits the room. It’s too much for him to deal with it all. He could have taken Hyojin on his own but having Geonhak there just made everything worse.

He doesn’t know who he is angry at the most – Hyojin, Geonhak, or himself. Whose fault was it, to begin with?

He’s asked himself the same question over and over again. It’s not about Hyojin anymore, it’s about Sunyul, lying in a coma, knowing that they have put him there. He’s abandoned his children, left him with Hyejin. Hyejin – he had expected her to be responsible, to look after his children.

Even Hyejin had failed him. And what of that? She’s not answered to anyone for it. Geonhak hasn’t even asked her why she took the twins to a party and let them out of her sight.

Everyone said it’s an accident. Is it an accident if the adult in charge fails their responsibility?

He can never forgive any of them.

Ever.


	12. 恋しい (Koishī)– Longing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've made a playlist if someone wants background music!  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7wujdjtltDW8hITvi8QVfq

Geonhak has never felt so lost.

He’s never been at a loss as to how to deal with Seoho. He has dealt with Seoho’s anxiety for ten years now, and he’s always known how to calm him down, how to get his confidence back.

Most importantly, Seoho has always given him a chance.

He doesn’t know this Seoho. A Seoho who is ice cold and detached. It wasn;t his husband he is residing with, but a ghost.

It’s been two weeks since the accident and Seoho has probably spoken about ten words to him in this time. He’s stopped sleeping in their bed. He would either sleep with Sunjae or on the couch in the living room. Every morning, he would wake up, dress Sunjae, and go to the hospital to sit by Sunyul’s bed. When he came back home, he would read to Sunjae or watch TV with him, avoiding Geonhak as much as possible. It's like he is living an entirely different life to him.

How do you deal with someone who treats you like you’re invisible?

There has been so many occasions where he had tried to talk to his husband, but he just wouldn't reply. He would shy away from his touch and recoil if he sat down beside him. Even Sunjae has noticed how different he is; he would sit quietly by his father, not his usual chirpy self at all. Sometimes he would crawl away from Seoho to sit in Geonhak's lap. He doesn't know hwo to process the change in his father either.

Geonhak knows he needs to bring back some normalcy in their life. So he calls the kindergarten and informs them that Sunjae would be starting from next week. They shouldn't be putting a stop to Sunjae's life, especially. He needs to learn how to grieve in a healthy way. Going back to school, meeting his friends and teachers would help him feel better. 

He talks to Hyejin on the phone; he'd visited her a few times. She feels guilty, she feels responsible. He tries to tell her it’s not her fault. After persuading her for a long time, she agrees to go back to teaching. His sister is understandably upset, even more so because of the cold shoulder Seoho is giving her. He doesn't tell her that he is being treated the same way, lest she feels responsible for it too.

Finally, he calls up Sangyeon to tell him that he and Seoho are going back to work and asks for a phased return.

“Seoho? He’s already submitted his resignation,” Sangyeon tells him over the phone.

“What?” This is the first time Geonhak is hearing of this.

“Yeah, I was going to call you to tell you to convince him to come back. This is madness. We haven’t accepted his resignation yet, but he just won’t do it.”

Hanging up, Geonhak takes a deep breath to calm himself down. Seoho has never even picked a curtain without consulting him first. And he’s decided to make a decision like this without so much as telling him?

It’s like he’s a sinner and Seoho is punishing him for it. But why? What has he done that is so bad? He thinks about calling Youngjo to ask him what to do but decides against it. Youngjo has not spent the last ten years with Seoho, he has. His husband is his responsibility. He didn’t want to confront Seoho, not so soon anyway, but his back is against the wall. With a heavy heart, he calls Hwanwoong, asking if he could look after Sunjae for a few hours.

“I’ll pick him up in twenty.”

He tries to plan what to say to Seoho. He doesn’t respond well to accusations. He needs to be careful about how he phrases his questions. He wonders how he would bring up the resignation. He decides to go with the truth – ‘Hi honey, I called up Sangyeon and guess what he said? Apparently you resigned. Without telling me. No, you don’t need my permission but I thought I had the right to know when you’re making a life-changing decision. I guess not.’

Catching his breath, he walks towards Sunjae’s room. He can hear voices. As he peeks through the door, he can see Seoho on his knees on the floor in front of Sunjae, holding his hands. 

“Sunjae-ah, if daddy and papa ever decide not to see each other again, who would you want to live with? You can be completely honest Sunjae, but if you couldn’t see one of us ever again, who would you want to be with?”

Geonhak feels light-headed. He holds onto the door, reeling from what he just heard. Sunjae is crying, obviously. That is probably one of the most horrible things to say to a child. He can’t believe Seoho just uttered those words.

“Don’t worry about offending papa, Sunjae, I promise. I just want you to be happy. Who do you think will make you happier?”

Sunjae is shaking his head, trying to wriggle free of Seoho's grip on his hands.

"You need to give me an answer, Jae-ah, this is important."

“Daddy.”

He’s heard enough. Why should a child have to deal with an adult’s madness? This is not right.

He rushes in.

“Seoho, I need to talk to you, outside.”

He is glaring at his husband, who quickly takes Sunjae in his arms.

“Did-did you hear that?” he asks accusatorily.

“Are you asking me if I heard how insane you are? I did.”

He’s had it enough with Seoho. He’s overlooked a lot of things, he’s allowed Seoho free reign to stomp on him and spurn him. He has been understanding, and patient. But Seoho has now crossed a line and he couldn’t forgive him.

“Are daddy and papa going to fight?” Sunjae cries. He’s probably never seen Geonhak this angry. “Please don’t fight. I love you both.”

“We love you too, Sunjae.” He pecks him on the cheek, forcing himself to smile at him. “We’re just going to talk. Adult stuff.”

Sunjae doesn’t look convinced. He can probably sense the hostility in his body language. Both Sunjae and Sunyul are incredibly sensitive.

“Not in front of him,” Seoho whispers.

"Oh, now you care about what we say in front of him?"

The look in his eyes tells him that he knows. He knows that Geonhak’s found out about him quitting his job, about him quitting on this relationship and that he won’t be able to avoid answering his questions anymore.

But at least he has the decency to not have a full-blown argument in front of Sunjae.

“Hwanwoong’s going to pick him up.”

As he says it, the doorbell rings.

“You’ve planned for everything,” Seoho says derisively.

Biting back the reply, he goes to open the door.

“Thanks for this, Hwanwoong-ah.”

“No worries.” Hwanwoong looks from his face to Seoho’s, who has just walked into the living room, carrying Sunjae. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, I just need to…we need to talk. I’ll pick him up in an hour.”

“Take your time.” Hwanwoong’s brows are furrowed. “But, hyung, don’t do anything stupid.”

The younger can probably sense that something’s wrong and therefore is trying to warn him. His concern is sweet but he is past the point of caring.

“Come to uncle Hwanwoong, Sunjae-ah. Shall we have some ice cream on the way?”

Seoho carries him over, handing him to Hwanwoong, but not before he kisses him on the cheek.

“Papa, daddy, do you promise not to fight?” he pouts.

Hwanwoong’s face drains of colour.

“Please don’t fight,” he echoes. “You guys…please.”

Crossing his arms across his chest, Seoho looks away.

“Daddy is going to pick you up soon, okay? Do you promise to be good, Sunjae-ah?”

Sunjae nods, pouting. “I’ll be good if you two don’t fight.”

“We won’t.” It breaks his heart to lie to his son, but it’s inevitable. He and Seoho have been on this collision course for two weeks now. He has done everything to try and avoid it. This is the last thing he wants to do.

But they need to move on, get past this, so that they can be a family again. Looks like Seoho has other plans, unfortunately.

Shutting the door behind them, Geonhak lets out a deep sigh. The anger he has felt towards his husband is still very much alive but at the same time, it pains him to confront him. Even at this moment, when he is absolutely livid with Seoho, he loves him dearly. 

“Ask me,” Seoho breaks the silence first.

It annoys him, how calm Seoho is, like nothing’s happened. “Ask you what?”

“Everything you wanted to ask me, everything you want to scream at me.”

His insides burn. How could he be so cold, as if the things he had just been telling their son was just a casual Sunday conversation.

“Fine, I will ask. What the fuck were you talking to Sunjae about? Let’s start there.”

“I was just preparing him for-”

“For what?” His body is now shaking with rage. It’s not just what he heard today. It’s everything for the last 2 weeks, every time Seoho’s hurt him, twisted the knife that was already inside of him.

Seoho hugs himself tightly, as if defending himself from Geonhak’s fiery glare and hard words.

“I don’t know…just…if…”

“Lee Seoho, you’re the most selfish person I’ve ever met!” It hurts him, no it kills him to say the words, probably just as much as it hurts Seoho to hear them. “But I’m fine with that. What I’m not okay with is you going fucking mental and telling our son awful things-”

“Why do you care?” Seoho’s drops his arms and returns his glare. His shoulders square up. The curtain of calm has dropped and he is ready to attack now. “What does it matter to you? You’ve already shown how much you care about Sunyul.”

Geonhak’s heart drops. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

He can see Seoho trembling, his entire body quivering with fury. He has angry tears in his bloodshot eyes and his tone is loathsome. “You never stay more than five minutes by his bed and it’s only been two weeks and I know you’re already planning to go back to work. You want everything to be normal again so that you can go back to your old life but guess what, it’s never going to be the same again!”

Even though he hears the words, he can’t believe that they are coming out of Seoho’s mouth. He is accusing him of not caring about their sons? He dares-he dares to say that he doesn’t love Sunyul? After everything he has done for Sunyul, their family…if there was one person who’d seen it all from up close, it was Seoho.

“Don’t I know that? I’m trying to keep everyone going because I care about you. I care about Sunjae, I want him to carry on with life. I want you to heal. I want us to be a loving, balanced family again, ready for when Sunyul wakes up.”

“You say that but you always leave Sunyul’s side after a couple of minutes-”

“Because it fucking hurts!” Geonhak clutches his head as the hot, angry tears make their way down his cheeks. Rage and pain make their way up his throat, choking his words. Everything hurts. His insides twist and turn and he feels sick. “It hurts so much, seeing my son like this. Knowing that I can’t help him. I leave because I know he is in the best place possible and is getting the best treatment and seeing him like this is like being stabbed in the heart a thousand times over.”

It’s like a veil descends on Seoho, altering his rage-filled expression with that of utter shock. His lips part but no sound comes out. He watches him, with listless eyes.

“We have different ways of dealing with things,” Geonhak whispers, trying to hold onto the last bit of sanity. “You console yourself by being by his side, and I do it by praying for him from afar.”

Seoho turns his eyes to the floor, his shoulder dropping apologetically. He looks like a lifeless doll that has done something wrong.

“I don’t why you’re shutting yourself off from me, Seoho,” Geonhak presses on. It’s like a dam has exploded and he wants it all out in the open. “You used to let me in, into the deepest, most twisted places in your mind. You used to tell me all your nightmares. So what’s changed? Why are you being so selfish? You think you’re going through everything alone, when I’m going through the same thing too!”

Swallowing, Seoho mutters, “You have no idea what I’m going through.”

As a flash of anger sears through his spine, he could taste blood in his mouth. It’s like talking to a brick wall. “Really? Why? Because I’m a bad parent? Or because of your anxiety? How long will you hide behind that, Seoho?”

The moment he says it, he regrets it. In the last ten years, he has never picked at Seoho’s anxiety, because he knows it’s just as good as picking him apart. He has never uttered a single word of annoyance at his condition. But today…

“Don’t you dare accuse me of-”

“I’m tired, is what I’m saying.” He drops his shoulders, feeling drained. He hates this. He hates fighting with Seoho and he hates feeling angry towards him. How can Seoho just stand there, hearing without listening? He takes a step forward, as if to hold onto Seoho for support but he is so far away. “I’m tired of carrying the burden all on my own. I’m having to be the adult, I’m having to be practical and you’re pretending I’m a terrible human being for it. If I don’t go shopping or order food, would you and Sunjae have just starved? Why am I not allowed to grieve too? Why can’t I curl up into a ball in a corner and stay that way? I don’t, because I know you need me.”

His voice is so angry that he sees Seoho flinching. It cuts him to watch this, to tear his husband apart. But Seoho is doing just the same, with his cruel words and unfeeling gaze.

Gripping onto the corner of the sofa, Seoho gulps. “If I’m such a burden to you, then it’s best if I leave.”

For a second, he wants to laugh because surely, this is a joke.

“You don’t mean it.”

Seoho’s eyes harden and he is now digging a hole in the sofa. “But you meant it when you said I was a burden.”

“Don’t twist my words, Seoho, that’s not what I said.” His voice is threatening but that’s because he is having difficulty believing the words that are coming out of his mouth. They have fought bitterly before, but they have never threatened each other with something so evil. It’s like his every word created a bruise in his heart.

Seoho is now crying freely. “I’m sorry I’m so messed up and I’m so hard to deal with and so immature and selfish. I will relieve you of the burden. Sunjae wants to live with you anyway. So you can have him. I will quit my job and look after Sunyul. You wouldn’t have to be burdened anymore.”

The silence following those words is so still that he almost thinks he has slipped into a coma. He is locked in a terrible nightmare. There are monsters everywhere, and the biggest one is his husband. Isn’t this just as good as killing him?

“Lee Seoho, I truly hope that that’s the madness in you talking right now because everything you’re saying is just terrible, terrible-”

“What should I do then? What can I do? You’ve not even asked Hyejin noona why she’d taken them to the party or how it happened. You know she’s responsible but you pretend like it’s all okay...”

Geonhak bounds towards his husband, gripping his upper arms tightly. Seoho stumbles backwards slightly from the force. “Is that what it’s about? You know Hyejin noona didn’t purposefully do it. It was an accident.” The neighbours can probably all hear them now, as his voice grows louder and louder but he can’t think of another way to get through to his husband right now. He is biting his lips so hard that he is bleeding now.

“Don’t say that. It wasn’t an accident, it wasn’t Sunyul’s fault,” Seoho matches his volume.

“Of course it’s not Sunyul’s fault. It’s no one’s fault. That’s what accidents are.”

“I’ve had enough of this. Let me go!”

“No. What exactly do you think happened? Hyejin noona tried to kill the twins? For what reason? After taking care of them for all these years?”

Seoho’s mouth moves wordlessly. Of course, there isn’t a single thing he can say to that. Because deep down, he knows it’s true.

“What?” he glares at his husband. Their faces are inches away from each other. Suddenly, he sees something else in Seoho’s eyes – fear.

“Let me go, it hurts,” he insists.

“What if I don’t?” he growls maliciously. He’s not sure what he’s doing or if he is in his senses anymore. The next few words that tumble out of his mouth tells him that he is not in his right mind currently. “Because this is what you respond to, right? This is the kind of thing Kim Hyojin had to do to make you listen to him. Being a good guy doesn’t work with you.” It almost feels like the words are not coming out of his mouth but a stranger’s. It’s his voice, but it can’t be him. He would never say those things to his -

Shutting his eyes tightly, Seoho bites his lips hard. He can feel his frame shaking violently and without warning, he drops to the floor, breathing raggedly.

“Please, please, please,” he begs.

“Oh my God, Seoho, I’m so sorry!” Watching Seoho thrashing about on the ground as if reliving a nightmare while taking quick shallow breaths brings him back to his senses. What has he done?

He’s turned into a monster. Worse. He's the devil.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Kneeling down in front of him, he quickly hugs Seoho, tucking his head into his chest. His body is still shivering. “I didn’t mean to, Seoho, please.”

He doesn’t know how long they stay like that, Seoho curled up in his chest and him whispering apologies into his ear. When he finally stops shaking, he lets go of him, giving him space to breathe.

“Seoho, I’m so-”

He doesn’t let him finish his sentence. Scrambling to his feet, and without looking at him at all, he walks out of the door, slamming it behind him.

Geonhak doesn’t move from his place on the ground. He can’t even replay the whole thing back in his mind, he had behaved atrociously. In ten years, he’s never done anything like this. What possessed him? He didn’t even know he could be this cruel. All this time, he was frustrated because he couldn’t recognize the Seoho he was seeing in front of him, but right now, he doesn’t recognize himself.


	13. Crazy & crazy

He can’t explain what it’s actually like.

It’s probably different for everyone, living with anxiety. With him, he replays every little thing in his head several hundred times. It’s like an automatic replay button in his head, living through everything over and over again, not just enduring the pain but feeling it, over and over like the first time.

Seoho feels disorientated, at a loss. In the ten years he’s been with him, he’s never seen Geonhak like this before. They have fought before, fought bitterly. They both have strong principles and sometimes differing views, so arguing is nothing new for them. But he’s never seen Geonhak like this – poisoned with fury, like a stranger, like a ghost.

However, he can’t say he was afraid of him; because despite everything, despite his voice dripping with abhorrence and the fire in Geonhak’s eyes, and despite his unsettled thoughts, he somehow knows that Geonhak wouldn’t actually hurt him. He has always been sure of that. But today has been the day he’s come the closest to being afraid of him, his overpowering strength.

His entire body is shaking like he’s not eaten anything for a week and has just run a marathon. Everything is a blur in his mind, as if his brain waves are just static, disorganized, grey. He feels like he needs to escape but he doesn’t know where he should go. His heart is a battered and bruised butterfly, beating its tiny wings desperately to escape.  
  
He doesn’t know how he manages to get to the hospital. It’s like his body is on autopilot and he somehow catches a taxi. With a constant storm raging through his mind and body, he arrives at paediatric ICU and almost collapses beside Sunyul’s bed. The nurse tries to ask him if he’s okay but he just waves her off, mumbling unintelligibly.

Like an errant ship, he feels attacked by undulating waves of nasty memories - he needs something to hold onto and he can’t think of anything other than Sunyul and Sunjae. They are his first and last coherent though. To think he never even wanted to raise children of his own in fear of being a disappointment…

But he has been...he has been a disappointment. To himself, to Geonhak. To his twins.

He tries to gather any sense or sanity, but he’s interrupted by waves of anger, betrayal, and most importantly, hurt. It’s an ache in the middle of his chest, growing bigger with every breath he takes.

Nothing makes sense.

All of a sudden, he feels a strong grip on his upper arm and instantly repels. There is something familiar about the touch that his body rejects. He doesn’t have to look up to know who it is but he has no power to resist him, he’s just so emotionally spent.

“Lee Seoho, I knew this would happen, you fool!”

Even then, he tries to resist as Hyojin drags him onto his feet and then forces him out of the room. Seoho tries to focus on getting away from the touch but a dark curtain descends across his vision and he feels light-headed.

He dimly registers as Hyojin pushes him into his office and slams the door behind him.

“Seoho-ah, how many times do I have to tell you I’m the only one who can help you?” his voice is gravelly and he feels like a small child being scolded by a teacher. “Look at you.” Hyojin pushes him against the wall, placing a forceful hand against his neck. “You’re a mess. You’ve quit your job. You’re useless now. You need me.”

“I-I don’t,” he stutters, fighting back the bile that’s threatening to climb up his throat. The pressure on his neck increases, not enough to choke him but enough to make him feel uncomfortable.

“You don’t know what you need,” Hyojin’s voice is as condescending as ever. It gets to him, every time, how Hyojin speaks as if he knows him so well. Perhaps, he does know him too well, which is why he had managed to manipulate him in the first place. But he’s always so unabashed, knowing fully well the scars he has given Seoho and pretending he actually cares for him. “There’s no one who loves you like I do.”

Is that true? Is the only person who still loves him is this twisted monster? Seoho doesn’t want to believe it. Does he not deserve to be loved by anyone else?

There was one man who loved him more but does Geonhak still love him, after today? After what he said and did?

“I’m the only one who can love someone broken like you, Seoho-ah, don’t you see?”

It’s true, he is broken. He dysfunctions. So does this mean he can only be loved by someone who is just as dysfunctional, someone like Hyojin?

Geonhak had promised to love him forever. Can you unlove someone in a day? What if it’s worse? What if in the last ten years, Geonhak had actually been falling out of love with him?

“That can’t be true!” he shouts, hoping it would drown out anything Hyojin is saying.

“What?”

“He loves me.”

Hyojin lets out a derisive laugh. “Who? Who loves you? Your husband? He hates you.”

A part of Seoho believes him, even though it breaks down every last ounce of his strength to think that. He can live through an apocalypse if he knows Geonhak loves him. But if Hyojin is right…

There is a loud knock at the door and it’s forced open. A long figure enters and before he has time to see who it is that, he feels Hyojin’s hand retracting as the taller man physically extricates Hyojin from him.

“I don’t know what’s happening here but if you know what’s good for you, you’ll never let it happen again.” Keonhee is glaring at Hyojin, his arms crossed. He has never seen Keonhee glare with distaste before. 

“Keonhee-ah…”

“Come here,” Keonhee pulls Seoho closer to him, putting a hand on his back to take some of his weight.

“We are talking,” Hyojin fights back.

“I don’t think Seoho hyung wants to talk to you anymore.”

“What do you know? Who are you to interfere?”

“I know enough.” With that, Keonhee guides him out of the door.

“He-I,” Seoho tries to tell Keonhee about his struggles but the younger shushes him gently.

“It’s fine. I’m going to report him. This time, he won’t be able to come back to work.”

Keonhee helps him to take a seat on one of the benches outside ICU. His entire body is still trembling and flushed, but at the same time, he feels like he has won something.

With a view to calm himself down, he takes a deep breath in and out. He takes his time, breathing in and out. In. Out. Gently.

With every breath in, he drinks in fresh clean air. With every breath out, he brings up toxic anxieties out of his body. Just like Geonhak taught him. In and out.

_“Breathe me in. Let go. Breathe out every dark thought you’ve ever had. Take your time, keep breathing. Because I’ll be here when you finish.”_

But Geonhak isn’t here. There is no one here to take his hand and massage the knots out of his shoulders and just watch him take deep breaths like it’s the most important thing in the world.

It’s all his fault.

As the haze clears, he understands. As much as the fight with Geonhak has crushed his soul, he understands now.

There is something he hadn’t taken into account, while thinking of whom to blame. Geonhak, his Geonhak, loves Sunjae and Sunyul to his full capacity. For years he has raised them, doted on them; no matter how exhausted he was at the end of the day, he always had time and patience for them. Geonhak is a protector by nature, so he embraces his family in a shielding hug. If he acted out of character, it’s not because he stopped caring but because it gives him the strength to deal with his demons.

But he had taken the sweet innocent Geonhak and set fire to his heart. He had been cold and unforgiving. Instead of helping him, or even letting him help, he had trampled on his heart.

“Hyung, what happened? Hwanwoong called me, he sounded panicked. He was worried about you and Geonhak hyung…”

Mistakes have been made and he is ready for the sentence. Geonhak deserves more. He shouldn’t have to deal with him.

“Youngjo went to your place and I came here…everyone’s really worried, hyung.”

Geonhak was right, he is selfish. He’s been so busy with self-pity, that he’s forgotten that there is another person who’s hurting just as much as him.

This is why, this is exactly why he didn’t want good things to happen to him. Because he doesn’t deserve them. Because he ruins them in the end. He doesn’t deserve a fulfilling life, where he gets to have a job and have domestic bliss too. The fact that they have lasted ten years is all down to Geonhak. And now, he’s ruined it.

“I’m so sorry, Sunyul-ah, Sunjae-ah,” he whispers, hiding his face in his hands.

It’s true when Geonhak had gripped his arms, it brought back awful memories of his dark past. But it had gone as quick as it had come, because Geonhak was holding him in the middle of his chest, like his life depended on it. He still has that power, to make him feel safe, to squeeze the anxiety out of him. His touch is cleansing.

But it had unnerved him as well, seeing how angry Geonhak was, how far he had pushed him. So he had escaped. He hadn’t felt unsafe with Geonhak, because he knows his husband is incapable of truly hurting him. He just felt like poison was seeping into his veins. 

If being together means they would just hurt each other, he would rather be apart. Before the confrontation, he had made up his mind to leave before Geonhak realized he was a liability, before he got tired of dealing with his shit. He didn’t want to be ungrateful - after all, for ten years, Geonhak had meticulously put him back together every time he had shattered into pieces. He couldn’t impose on him like this, while he was going through the pain.

Perhaps it was not done in taste, but he had hoped if Geonhak grew to hate him, it would be a clean break. Or maybe if his last memory of Geonhak was a painful one, he wouldn’t pine for him.

Every single thought hurts.

“Do you want to sit by Sunyul’s bed?” Keonhee offers.

Nodding, he gets to his feet. Every step he takes feels like he is doing something wrong. Once sat by Sunyul’s bed, he watches him in the medicated sleep, unable to wake up and breathe for himself. Sunyul would have been so disappointed to see them fight. He has always been the more sensitive one, the more perceptive one. And he has made Sunjae cry, made him choose between the two of them, knowing full well it would crush him.

“You know your daddy loves you so much. He is so, so hurt. You need to get better for him, Sunyul-ah, because I can’t do anything for him,” he croons.

Suddenly the ventilator starts alarming, causing both the nurse and Keonhee to pore over it.

“I’ll call the doctor,” the nurse says, rushing out of the room.

“Wha-what’s happening?” Seoho asks. If he was in his right mind, he would have known exactly what was happening.

“He’s making efforts to breathe on his own,” Keonhee says excitedly, turning one of the dials on the ventilator machine. “He-he’s responding.”

Hyojin returns with the nurse and his first instinct is to ask him to leave the room. Besides being a complete monster in his personal life, Hyojin is an excellent doctor and is known to be always professional with patients. Ignoring them, he walks up to the ventilator, gesturing Keonhee to get out of his way. He changes the ventilator settings under the watchful eyes of Keonhee and slows down some of the medications through the drip.

“He has got his own respiratory drive back,” he tells them flatly. “Which is good because it means that part of his brain is working. But I guess I don’t have to explain that to two anaesthetists. We’re going to try sedation hold tomorrow.” With that, he leaves the room as abruptly as he had entered, not glancing at Seoho at all.

“Hyung, he is getting better,” Keonhee grabs his elbows, bouncing up and down slightly. “He will get better!”

The tears start flowing again, but this time, they are more hopeful. There is hope.

But when Sunyul finally wakes up, will he have the same loving home he had before?


	14. In My Arms

Geonhak feels frozen. On the inside. He feels detached frok the world, from reality. He almost wants to laugh, because surely this has to be some kind of sick joke. He will maybe wake up from this nightmare and earth will spin in reverse and it will all go back, to like how it was.

Maybe after an hour, or it could be ten minutes later, he doesn’t know, the doorbell rings. The concept of time has escaped him . He is on the spot where Seoho had left him, rooted. But the doorbell is insistent. He finally unfreezes, running to the door, expecting it to be Seoho. He needs to apologise to him, he needs to hold him in his arms and never let go. Whatever has been said...he will forget them all. To his disappointment, it’s Youngjo instead.

“Where’s Seoho?” is Youngjo’s first question.

He doesn't know how to reply. But he trusts Youngjo. At the same time, how can he confess to his crimes? What would he think of him. Sighing, he finally replies, “He-er-went out.”

“To the hospital?”

“I think so.”

“You don’t know?” Youngjo's eyes trail suspiciously at the blood on his lips. 

There’s no point hiding it from Youngjo. Hwanwoong had probably read the mood in the room and called Youngjo, hoping he would be able to intervene in some way. Youngjo is considered the mature one, the calm one, the knowledgeable one in their friendship group. He's kind of an unofficial parent they all run to when life is too hard.

“We-we-” he swallows saliva, feeling the bitter taste in his mouth, “we fought.”

Youngjo’s eyes curl downwards, his voice exasperated. “Geonhak, why?”

Bitterly, he explains everything that’s happened, until the last part. He couldn’t admit to Youngjo that he hurt Seoho, or the monster he had transformed into.

The older puts a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“You’re both reacting to the grief, all of this is very unlike you. Both of you.”

“I don’t know what to do.” He hides his face in his hands. “I have tried being honest. We’re both going through the same thing so why can’t we talk about it and share the burden? Why is Seoho pushing me away?”

“You know him,” Youngjo pauses, as if wondering if he’s overstepping. Geonhak nods. “He’s trying to process it. He-he is trying to find a reason for it. He can’t accept that it’s an accident, that it’s the universe’s plot to punish him. He thinks he would feel better if he held someone responsible.”

“So he blames me? For convincing him to go on this trip? Or Hyejin noona?”

Smiling sadly, Youngjo shakes his head.

“You know him, Geonhak. You do know him, think.”

And suddenly, the fog clears and he just knows. Why did it take so long for him to realise? “He blames himself.”

The older nods slowly. “That’s what the anxiety does to him, he thinks he is a bad parent. And he is probably worried that you’ll realise that one day too and leave him-”

“So he’s putting his shields up, trying to distance him from me,” the words fall from his lips like waterfall, easy, familiar. Like it’s a poem he had written ages ago.

“Because you know, he can’t bear it if you break up with him. So he’s making it out like it’s his choice. He is driving you to the edge of the cliff so that when he leaves, you hate his memory. He thinks that would make it easier for you to heal.”

Oh God, what has he done? He has misinterpreted Seoho’s cry for help as disdain. He has failed his husband when he needed him the most.

“He is a carrier,” Youngjo whispers. And somehow, he knows exactly what the older means.

Seoho is the type of person who carries things with him, never leaves them behind, because he himself doesn’t like being abandoned. So he is the kind of person who would carry the pain with him forever, until it destroys him.

But maybe, he can help him destroy the pain instead, so that he doesn’t need to carry it on his shoulders for the rest of his life.

“I’ve said terrible things to him,” Geonhak admits, pressing his lips together. “He will hate me forever.”

Youngjo chuckles lightly. When he Geonhak looks at him, he apologises. “Sorry, it’s just…I don’t think he can ever hate you.”

“You don’t know what I said, I was a monster…”

“Anger and anguish turn people into monsters. I think Seoho can see past that. Remember Geonhak, just as you know him to the core, he knows you too. Give him credit.”

Getting to his feet, he says, “I have to talk to him.”

“I’ll give you a lift to the hospital.”

His heart constricts painfully. Seoho has the most amazing smile, where his eyes crinkle up and his lips stretch into a pretty shape. When you see him from a distance, he always looks fine. He likes to tease people, he likes being sarcastic. But there is also sadness that he hides in the crinkles in his eyes; never lets anyone see it apart from Geonhak. It may seem like a lot to handle, but in reality, it is a privilege.

Seoho has laid his true self bare in front of Geonhak, showing all his anxieties and insecurities. That takes trust, that takes faith. And it takes love. No matter what, Seoho loves him. And it has been his privilege to love all of Seoho. He won’t give it up so easily.

He may not be able to stop him from crying, but he will be there to catch his tears. 

Like he promised. The day they brought the twins home, permanently. It was Christmas eve, and they had meticulously decorated the entire house. It was Seoho’s idea – even though the twins were only a few months old and wouldn’t know Christmas if it hit them on the head. But it was a process and it made Seoho calmer, making him feel that they were doing something special in preparation for accepting the children into their homes. 

By the time they got home though, it was late and the twins had fallen asleep. Setting them in their double cot tentatively as if he was putting down something made of glass, Seoho breathed out. 

“They’re perfect,” he said. 

“I know.” 

Kissing them goodnight, Geonhak made to return to their bedroom but Seoho wouldn’t budge. He gave him some more time, while he stood staring at the twins in the cot, sleeping peacefully.

When he made no signs that he was ever going to move from there, he nudged him. “Seoho, are we going to sleep now?”

His husband turned to face him with fear in his eyes.

“We can’t just leave them here!”

They had been over this before but he smiled a bit because Seoho looks adorable.

“Sure we can. They’re sleeping.”

“What if they need something?” Seoho’s voice was getting higher which meant the panic was rising.

“They will start crying if they need something and we will hear them on the baby monitor and we will rush to their side to see what they need,” he explained patiently, for probably the tenth time.

“What if we’re too late?”

“Seoho, our bedroom is literally 2 seconds away.”

He didn’t look convinced

“You can’t stand here all night. Trust me, we will know if they need anything.”

“Because they will cry?”

“Exactly!”

His eyes were swimming. “I don’t want them to cry.”

Geonhak paused mid-word and looked at his husband. He looked so concerned, so genuinely heartbroken by the thought that the babies might cry. He was desperate to prevent something that was out of their control.

“We can’t stop them from crying, Seoho. But we will be here to wipe away their tears.”

With that he brushed off the tears forming in his husband’s eyes, touching his cheek tenderly.

“Really?”

“Yes, and I’ll do the same for you.”

Resting his head against Geonhak’s shoulder, he mumbled, “I don’t want to be a terrible parent.”

“You won’t be a terrible parent, I promise.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Hey, you said you’ll be a terrible husband too but know what?” Holding him by the shoulders, he met his eyes, “You’re the best husband ever!”

The first few nights, Seoho was always out of bed when the twins cried, even though they had agreed that they would take turns. Geonhak would let him deal with it, hoping to build his confidence and help his bonding with the twins. But then one night, Sunyul was crying for a very long time, so he finally got out of bed to see what the ruckus was about.

Seoho was on the floor, hair all over his face, holding Sunyul close to his chest and trying to feed him from a milk bottle. When he walked in, he looked up, devastated.

“He hates me,” he said. “I’m hurting him.” He held him out towards Geonhak, who gently lifted Sunyul into his arms, bouncing him up and down. He sneezed.

“Where is his blanket?”

Seoho grabbed it from the floor and passed it to him. Wrapping it around him, he held his little hands close to his mouth, blowing hot air onto them. As he slowly rubbed him, warming his body, Sunyul stopped crying, causing Seoho to look up guiltily.

“You fixed him!”

“He was just a bit cold.”

“I didn’t even know that!” He hid his face in his hands. “I’m such a bad parent I didn’t even know what my son needed…”

“But you were here. Seoho, you were here, before me, ready to do anything and everything for him.” Sitting down beside him on the floor, Geonhak transferred Sunyul into his arms. “Sunyul is lucky to have a father like you.”

Everything about Seoho, the way he worries, the way he cares, makes him special. And he loves him for it. He would give anything to be by his side forever. He is the sun, the moon, the stars, all at once. He is not just the love of his life, he is also his soulmate. Lee Seoho is where his choice and fate merges, destiny beckons.

He still remembers the day Seoho proposed. It was out of the blue. He had come over to his place – it was a casual Saturday, nothing special - and brought over a bunch of flowers, which was so out of character for him that Geonhak had thought he had bought them by mistake.

He had looked nervous, preoccupied. He offered to cook lunch, oversalted the soup and undersalted the chicken. It was obvious that there was something going on, yet it didn’t quite look like one of his anxiety attacks.

Finally, after lunch, they had settled down on the couch to watch TV when Seoho had suddenly switched the TV off.

“I need to tell you something.”

“What is it?”

Punching his hand against his palm and biting his lips hard, he said, “I have...realised something. I think I understand you now.”

Rolling his eyes, Geonhak said, “Took you five years?”

“No, it’s not that,” he shook his head. “It’s more like…I trust you.”

“So you didn’t trust me all this time? Yet you let me know the passcode to your house and let me walk you home late at night?” he said, half-teasing, half-hurt.

Meeting his eyes, Seoho said, “It’s not like that. I- I trust you to love me on the days when I don’t love myself. I trust you to not break my heart. I trust you to say forever and mean it.” He took a deep shaky breath while Geonhak sat very still, paralysed by the words coming out his mouth. “I think-no, I believe that you won’t be scared, you won’t run away if I show you how much you really mean to me.”

He didn’t speak, he let the words wash over him, like a spell. He welcomed them, his heart beating really fast. 

“Kim Geonhak,” Seoho took both his hands in his, pulling him slightly closer to him and staring at him intensely. “When I say forever, I mean forever. Will you want to spend forever with me?”

“Yes,” he replied, even before all the words reached his brain and he had time to process them. “I will always be yours, no matter what. I will always love you. But I want to be by your side when I love you.”

They were both laughing and crying at the same time when Seoho fumbled with a ring box out of his pocket. It was a beautiful platinum ring with Seoho’s initials engraved on the inside. Slipping it on his finger, he said, “There’s no escape now, Geonhakkie.”

“You say it like it’s a bad thing.” He kissed his hand. “Ring or ring, there wasn’t an escape from you anyway.”

And he still believes it. There is no version of this story where he would be happy without Seoho. Which is why it hurt him so much when he tried to push him away. Come rain or storm, he can brave it all with his husband by his side.

But life without Seoho is meaningless.


	15. Red Thread

Seoho is almost dozing off, his head on the side of Sunyul’s bed, when there’s a soft knock on the door. He turns his head to see Youngjo enter the room silently. Keonhee looks surprised at his husband’s netrance.

“I thought you were going to see Geonhak hyung.”

“I did. Geonhak’s outside, he’s come to take you home.” Youngjo looks at Seoho.

Wiping his face with the tissue Keonhe offers him, he says, “I can’t – I can’t face him again.”

Keonhee and Youngjo exchange glances.

“You know he didn’t mean it, anything he said.”

“I want him to mean them, everything he said. It’s easier that way.”

Youngjo walks towards him with concerned eyes. He is biting his lips, as if he’s not sure about what he wants to say. He glances at Keonhee briefly, before staring into his eyes and saying, “Seoho-ah, you know I used to be in love with you, right?”

He gasps, shooting the older a warning glance. Keonhee is right here. How could he…

“It’s fine, hyung, I know. Youngjo told me everything. I’ve known since day 1 and it doesn’t bother me.”

“Because I love Keonhee now and nothing will change that,” Youngjo adds reassuringly, putting an arm around his husband. “But do you know what finally made me let go of you?”

He shakes his head. Seoho has known that Youngjo liked him back in medical school, he wasn’t a fool. But he’s never admitted it to him before today.

“It’s because I saw the way Geonhak loves you. I realized that there’s someone capable of taking care of you better than I ever could. He is your anchor.”

Swallowing, Seoho says, “I know, I need him. But it’s not fair on him. I only ever used him.”

“Hey, it’s true you need him. But an anchor doesn’t have a purpose without a boat. It holds no meaning, if it isn’t anchoring.”

As the words sink in, he looks away, buying himself some time to think. Youngjo is good at persuading people, and what he says tends to make sense. Brushing the hair out of Sunyul’s forehead, he says, “You always have a way with words, hyung. But I don’t think he thinks of it that way.”

“Well, give him a chance to say his piece, don’t decide for him.”

“It will just be harder-”

“Maybe it doesn’t have to be hard. Maybe there’s another way out. Five years ago, just before you got married to him, you told me you’d decided to trust him with your life. Just trust him one more time.”

When he doesn’t reply, Youngjo adds, “You owe it to him. Ten years, Sunjae, Sunyul, you owe it to him.”

Taking a deep breath, he picks himself up. Youngjo is right, he owes him this much.

“Hyung, please, be honest. Don’t-don’t try to put on a show,” Keonhee advises. “We will be here, if you need anything.”

His legs feeling like lead, he leaves the room, trudging towards the glass doors that lead to outside ICU. Dread fills him as he thinks about facing Geonhak. Does he even have enough strength to continue to be frigid?

Outside the glass doors, Geonhak is standing restlessly, swaying on the balls of his feet. When he sees him, he stops, watching him with hurt-filled eyes.

“Thanks for coming out.”

Seoho doesn’t say anything. Because if he says anything, he will break down. He just stands and watches his husband, the man he loves the most in this world

“I’m so so sorry. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I’m sorry about before, I don’t know what I said but I know didn’t mean a single thing. I’ve got my head on now, and I want to tell you something.”

He doesn’t break the eye contact but he doesn’t say anything either. The corridor is empty and he feels a gush of cold wind. Geonhak takes his silence as permission. 

Taking a deep breath, he says, “I’m not going to leave you. Whatever decision you make, I’m not going to leave you. If you want to blame me, you can. I will apologise, for everything. I will make it up to you, in whatever way possible. But please don’t leave me. I can take whatever comes with you by my side, but not without you.”

Seoho can see how much Geonhak wants to hold his hands but he keeps his distance. He doesn’t want to scare him, or make him feel threatened, so he is keeping his distance. It’s torture for him, and he has to bite his tongue because all he wants to do is scream at him, scream at the top his voice that even when he hates him, he still loves him.

“Please don’t deny that our love is stronger than this. I know we have fought bitterly and broken each other’s hearts, but don’t forget we have also loved. I’m still madly in love with you. I love you, each day. All I’m saying is I love you, Lee Seoho.”

He closes his eyes. This is what he feared. That Geonhak’s love would be too much for him, too overpowering. That he would break down and run into his arms. But wouldn’t he just end up hurting him more, being the way he is?

“Don’t punish me with your silence, Seoho, I beg of you. If you love me, say so.”

The sincerity and the desperation in his voice is enough to melt away the last bit of his resentment, fear, and foreboding. Once the floodgates open, there is no stopping him.

“You made me – you make me feel like I am worth something. Good things like you never happened to me before I met you so I was scared. You know when you’re so used to keeping your head down, hoping no more trouble finds you, but then you run into something so good, so wonderful, that you doubt its authenticity? And when you find out it’s real, you’re so afraid of losing it, because it’s your lucky charm? Kim Geonhak, you’re my lucky charm. And I love you so much. So much that I can’t bear the day when you won’t love me and I won’t be able to live with that memory. I want to remember you as you are now, in love with me.”

Geonhak finally takes a few steps forward, watching his reaction closely. When he doesn’t flinch, he comes closer with earnest eyes. Hands trembling, he cups his cheeks. “Before you were my husband, before you were Sunjae and Sunyul’s father, you were my lover, my everything. There has never been a moment when I wasn’t in love with you, and there won’t be one. I’d rather die than-”

Seoho presses a finger against his lips, halting his speech.

“Don’t say that.”

Taking a hold of his wrist, Geonhak kisses his finger.

“If you promise to never talk about leaving again.”

“Why do you love me so much? What’s there to love? What am I to you?”

Through his silent tears, he chuckles. “What’s Lee Seoho to me? He’s the essence of life. He is very much my better half. And when I meet him again, in my next life, I will love him again.”

Seoho’s heart beats so fast that he feels he will collapse. He feels like he is a tunnel, and all he can see is his husband in front of him.

“I’m so scared, I’m so scared of watching your turned back, hearing your footsteps growing quieter…”

It’s the nightmare he has been replaying recently, every time he falls asleep. The other one is where Sunyul in drowning in front of him and he can’t do a thing about it. The scary part about the dreams is that they feel so real.

“That’s never going to happen, I promise. It will break me as much as it will break you.”

Feeling a wave of relief wash over him, Seoho rests his head on Geonhak’s shoulder, allowing him to engulf him. He cries, causing his shoulder to grow wet. Tears come from who knows where and within his tears, he wants to tell Geonhak everything. How he can’t actually survive without him and how much it broke him to be cold towards him. 

He feels like he has finally escaped the prison of his worst nightmares, knowing nothing can separate him from the strong arms of Geonhak. A gigantic weight has been lifted off of him. This is what he does, he anchors. Everything about it feels so right.

He doesn’t remember how long he remains there, in the shadow of Geonhak. There are people who pass them by, maybe even staring at them, and doors open and close, but they just stand there, in their world.

Finally, when he glances up at Geonhak’s tear-stained face, he realizes that he had been a fool trying to think he would be able to walk away from him. Ripping his heart out with his own hands would be easier.

“Shall we go and see Sunyul now?” Geonhak asks.

“Sunyul…he-he’s starting to breathe on his own, he got his respiratory drive back.”

His husband’s eyes widen as if he is trying to process what he just heard.

“He-he-”

“He’s getting better,” Seoho croaks.

Geonhak embraces him again, this time hugging him tightly and lifting him off his feet. He can feel his strong muscles against his bones but it feels him with the same ecstasy he knows Geonhak is feeling. His son- no, their son, is getting better.

They slowly trudge into ICU, entering Sunyul’s room. Youngjo and Keonhee are still here, one on either side of Sunyul’s bed. They have a hand each on Sunyul’s head and the other hands intertwined with each other, hovering over Sunyul’s tummy. The sight immediately feels him with warmth. It must have been a difficult decision for Youngjo to talk about being in love with Seoho back in medical school right in front of Keonhee. But watching them now, he isn’t worried. These two are so grounded in their relationship, so in love. It’s beautiful to watch.

“Oh, hyung!” Keonhee notices them first, with apprehension in his eyes.

“Thank you,” Seoho and Geonhak say at the same time, causing the other two to smile happily. Keonhee runs up to them and gives them a hug, rubbing Seoho’s back encouragingly.

Youngjo’s eyes are crescents as he smiles at them.

“I never doubted the two of you,” he says. “And Sunyul must know that too, he’s making respiratory effort. They will try a sedation hold tomorrow, wake him up and see how he copes.”

Geonhak looks at Seoho, as if asking for support. He nods, and leads him to Sunyul by the hand. “I know Sunyul misses you,” he tells him.

He can see Geonhak gulping and his hands shaking as he grabs Sunyul’s tiny hand in his, bringing it up to his mouth to kiss it. Seoho’s hand doesn’t leave his back, as if steadying him, giving him the strength.

“Where’s Sunjae?” Keonhee finally asks.

“He’s with Hwanwoong, we should pick him up, it’s late,” Geonhak replies, checking the time.

Keonhee and Youngjo exchange glances.

“What?”

“We were thinking…maybe Sunjae should stay with us today? While you guys…you know, spend some time together?”

Seoho’s first reaction was to say no immediately but then he thinks about it – he trusts Youngjo and Keonhee, and maybe he and Geonhak does need to spend some time together. For the last two weeks, they have been living under the same roof but they’ve haven’t really been living with each other and Seoho is to blame.

Before he can say something though, Geonhak says, “Thank you so much for the offer hyung, but I think we will both feel better if Sunjae was home with us.”

They nod in understanding and Seoho knows that this is another way in which Geonhak shows his consideration towards him.

After they have spent some time with Sunyul, Geonhak drives him over to Hwanwoong’s place to pick Sunjae up. When Hwanwoong opens the door, his jaw drops.

“Hyung, oh no, where’s Seoho hyung – don’t tell me-” Hwanwoong voice is sharp and there are hurried footsteps and the next moment, Dongju joins him at the door, screaming louder, “Where’s Seoho hyung? How dare you come here without him? What have you done-”

“I’m here guys,” Seoho steps out from behind Geonhak.

Dongju stops mid-sentence and looks at Hwanwoong. “We thought-”

“What?” Geonhak asks, smiling.

“Umm…Hwanwoong said you guys were…”

“We’re okay,” Seoho says, managing a small smile. Hwanwoong and Dongju must have been worried about them.

Their faces light up.

“What did I tell you? I said they’ll be fine,” Dongju announces victoriously, ushering them in.

“That is so not true! You said you’ll pick Geonhak hyung’s side if they broke up-”

Dongju covers Hwanwoong’s mouth urgently. “He is drunk.”

“I hope he’s not drunk while looking after our son,” Seoho says.

“I’m obviously not drunk.” Hwanwoong wriggles free of Dongju’s grasp. “Son Dongju, you big fat liar.”

“Why is Dongju here, by the way?”

“His date cancelled on him.” Hwanwoong rolls his eyes. “He wanted to help take care of Sunjae but obviously, he wasn’t much of a help.”

“Are you kidding me? Sunjae loves me! I played with him all day.”

“Where’s Sunjae?” Seoho asks.

“He was really tired so he fell asleep.”

‘We should get him home.”

Hwanwoong places a hand on Geonhak’s shoulder and asks tentatively, “So, you guys are really okay?”

Geonhak squeezes his hand. “We will be okay, Hwanwoong-ah.”


	16. Intro: Light Us

When Seoho pulls him into their bedroom, grinning, locks the door and presses him against the wall, Geonhak is surprised, to say the least. They have been in the kitchen just moments ago, trying out a new recipe, while Sunjae’s having his afternoon nap. They were having a good time, just an innocent afternoon cooking shenanigan, and Geonhak had wrapped a loose arm around Seoho’s waist without really thinking about it, when the older grabbed his wrist and dragged him behind him.

He is about to ask what’s going on but Seoho’s lips descend on his, firm and urgent, causing all questions to disappear from his mind. The way Seoho’s lips and tongue work his mouth, he can tell this will not just end with a few smooches; he knows the signs too well.

It's been a while since they last did this. Because of how busy their lives are, they can sometimes go a long time not being intimate with each other. But this dry spell has to be the longest, ever since Sunyul got hurt. It’s been about six months.

However, it feels just as good and familiar as ever. Placing his hands on his hips, he pulls his husband closer, diminishing the distance between them. It comes naturally to him, the way he touches Seoho, the way he kisses him and brushes his thumb over his sensitive spots.

All this time, while they have been grieving and picking up the pieces of their former life, he has never tried to initiate anything sexual with Seoho. Not because he didn’t feel anything, but because he wanted to give him the time to heal. He wanted Seoho to approach him when he was ready.

And now he has and all the feelings that he has pushed deep down are rising rapidly. They crawl through his skin and all of a sudden, every part of his body burns with the desire to feel Seoho against him. His hands are in a flurry as he tries to grasp as much of Seoho as he can desperately, while kissing him. Seoho has him pinned against the wall with his hands on his shoulders and his lips are hot and bruising against his. Feeling his breath catch, he leans backwards, the wall feeling cold against his searing skin, and he feels a bit dizzy. He hopes Seoho wouldn’t let go of him because he might just slide down the wall as his legs already feel like jelly.

He wonders if Seoho knows that he's already hard when he grinds against him, a little too forcefully, causing him to mewl crudely. It’s insane; his skin is already sticky and sweat is beading his forehead. The need with which his body rocks upwards makes him slightly embarrassed – he has missed this so much! He has never really thought about it, lying by Seoho’s side every night, because he doesn’t really need anything more than holding his husband but right now, everything seems like a lie and he really, truly, needs this.

In a clever twist that must be some kind of a taekwondo move, Seoho turns them around and pushes Geonhak down on the bed. He falls like a haystack under Seoho’s touch. He’s playing a bit rough today but he doesn’t care. Under Seoho’s urgent touch and half-lidded wanton eyes, he takes off his shirt, albeit a bit clumsily. Before he can make the same demand of Seoho, he has already pulled his T-shirt above his head, messing up his hair. Hurriedly, Seoho helps him pull off his trousers and boxers, touching his bare skin hungrily. A bit tipsy from it all, Geonhak reaches for Seoho’s skin, his hands sliding down his toned arms, settling just above his hips.

He can’t remember the last time he has felt so helpless and vulnerable, lying in his own bed, with Seoho atop him. Before he decides what he wants to do to Seoho next, the older presses his lips to his collarbone, leaving a trail of hot wet kisses all the way to his navel, then down to his hipbone, causing him to squirm and moan. He’s losing control so fast that he is almost scared and he thinks he may never recover from this. Seoho bites down on the sensitive skin just below his hipbone while scratching at his abs with his hands, causing his breath to hitch.

"Seoho-ah," he says, his voice lower than usual, “I want to-” but he doesn’t know how to express what he really wants because he is having a hard time thinking.

Seoho is so busy that he probably doesn’t hear him, busy touching him everywhere, every part of his body, and marking them with his wet, bruising kisses.

Sometimes it’s sweet when they have sex, romantic, gentle. Geonhak likes to take his time and treasure Seoho, handle him as if he’s made of glass, careful not to break him. Sometimes they talk through it all becuas they're feeling talkative, and as they get closer to climaxing, they become incoherent. Sometimes, they’re lazy and sloppy, the rhythm at which he pushes into Seoho is a beat out of place. And then there are morning or nighttime quickies; half-asleep, on-the-clock, knowing they have work and the twins might wake up any moment. But right now, right now is different from all those times.

Right now, everything is on fire and passion is overflowing and Seoho – Seoho is burning, ready to molest him, with his permission of course. It is almost…dirty, and urgent, and desperate. It’s a new sensation but he can’t say he dislikes it. It makes him feel ten years younger and while the redness on his cheeks may be from embarrassment, he also knows he wants this, so very much.

It's all very fast and it's all a blur and Geonhak has somehow ended up on top. When he reaches climax, he moans so loudly that he is sure he’s woken Sunjae and he hides his face in the crook of Seoho’s neck.

“I love you so much,” Seoho breathes heavily, digging his nails into his back.

“I love you more,” he mumbles into his neck, absolutely breathless.

“You don’t want to play that game.”

“The only game we need to play now is hide and seek because I’m sure Sunjae has woken up.”

“Oh shit!” Seoho quickly tries to pull the blanket over them when Geonhak reminds him that they have locked the door. “Well get off me then, I need to shower.”

“Ouch, you just used my body and as soon as you’re done, you’re ready to leave,” he teases.

“Right, like you didn’t enjoy every minute of it.”

“I enjoyed every millisecond.” He presses kisses into Seoho’s neck, making him giggle. He is ticklish and he sometimes uses that knowledge to his advantage.

“I’m sorry,” Seoho says after a while.

Peeling himself off of his husband, Geonhak fixes him with a questioning stare.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to…I know I haven’t been the most-I don’t know- I’ve probably not been a good husband to you in the last 6 months or so but I-”

“Is that what this was about? You did it just to make it up to me?”

“No,” Seoho says quickly and he knows he means it. “I-I wanted this as much as you did. I want you,” he emphasizes the words; his eyes are pleading, begging him to believe what he’s saying. “I did this because I wanted to…I wanted you. I’m just saying I’m sorry it took me so long…it’s not because I didn’t want to be with you. And I just want to thank you for understanding and giving me space…”

Shaking his head, Geonhak dips down and presses a kiss onto Seoho’s lips.

“I want you so much, Seoho, and that will never change. And it’s not all about sex you know. I will still want you, and love you just the same, even if we don’t do it for ten years. While I do hope that never happens,” Seoho smiles here, “like I said, it doesn’t matter as long as you’re here, by my side.”

“Well in that case why don’t we-”

Unfortunately, he doesn’t find out what Seoho would have proposed with a twinkle in his eyes because their doorbell rings loudly. Thy both gasp, getting out of the bed hurriedly.

Pulling on his clothes as quickly as he can, he curses at whoever is at the door.

“I’ll go and see who it is,” he says to Seoho, who’s still trying to get dressed.

He opens the door, expecting a deliveryman but instead it’s Hwanwoong and Dongju.

“What are you doing here?”

“Ouch,” Dongju pouts, shoving a bunch of flowers and a fruit basket into his chest. “Is that how you greet dear friends?”

“Oh umm, that’s not what I meant. Come on in. I wasn’t expecting you.”

“We had a rare day off and thought we will come and give you company,” Dongju says, taking his shoes off before making his way into the living room. “Where is Sunjae?”

“He’s having his afternoon nap.”

“Boring!”

“He’s a child.”

“Hope we didn’t interrupt anything.” Hwanwoong is staring a bit too openly at what he assumes must be newly formed hickeys and his bruised lips. Quickly doing up all his buttons, he hems and haws, hoping the younger wouldn’t make a big deal out of it.

“Not at all,” Seoho joins them, thankfully fully clothed and hair brushed down. “Why are you all dressed up, Dongju-ah?” he asks, eyeing him head to toe.

“Dongju has another blind date.” Hwanwoong rolls his eyes.

“I do not.” Dongju flops down on the sofa.

“You told me you do!”

“I lied, so what?”

Hwanwoong moves his lips wordlessly, apparently incredulous. “You asked me to drive you to your blind date! We literally came here to pass some time before your date starts.”

“I just wanted a ride,” Dongju shrugs, while getting red in the face.

Geonhak shakes his head, disappointed. They are at it again, pretending to not like each other but practically dating at the same time. It’s silly, but sometimes amusing to watch.

“How’s Sunyul doing?” Dongju asks, changing the subject.

“He is making good recovery at the rehabilitation centre,” Seoho tells them. “He’s doing much better than last week, they think he can come home very soon, maybe in a couple of weeks.”

“That is wonderful news!” Hwanwoong and Dongju look genuinely delighted. “We were going to go see him yesterday but Dongju started this nonsense about wanting to stay home because it was too cold-”

“You guys practically live together, so why do you even have your own places?” Seoho asks bluntly, causing both of them to blush and launch into vigorous protests and explanations about how there was no way they would be able to live together and not kill each other off.

Geonhak rolls his eyes at Seoho. When they have finished, Seoho adds, “I think you’ll make a good couple.”

Once again, they chatter away, as if grossly offended by the suggestion.

“I don’t want to date someone shorter than me,” Dongju claims.

“And I don’t want to date someone prettier than me,” Hwanwoong retorts.

“Wait, you think I’m pretty?” Dongju looks surprised, as his cheeks turn bright pink.

Hwanwoong fumbles to cover up his compliment while Dongju looks all embarrassed. It’s kind of sweet, reminds him of the time when he and Seoho first started dating and Seoho was too afraid to hold hands with him on campus and denied vehemently when someone suggested they looked like a couple.

They chat for a while and play with Sunjae when he wakes up. They offer to join them for dinner – Dongju has made a reservation at a fancy new restaurant for him and his ‘blind date’, which obviously ends up being Hwanwoong. Reading the mood however, they politely decline.

“They’re cute,” Seoho comments when they’re finally gone.

“They’re doing this for years now, I don’t know how long I can take this for.”

“Just let them be, I’m sure they will figure it out themselves.”

“Apparently that’s what they’ve been doing since-” Before he could finish his sentence, Sunjae comes running towards him at full speed and jumping into his open arms.

“Ow, Sunjae-ah, you’re getting so strong,” he coos, hugging his son close.

“Is Sunyul going to be home next week?” he asks.

“Maybe next week or the week after. We’re going to go see him tomorrow.”

“Yay!” Sunjae’s eyes widen with excitement and he claps eagerly. “I can’t wait to show him my new toys.”

“Well, he has new toys at the rehab centre too, so I’m sure you’ll both have a great time looking at each other’s toys,” Seoho reminds him.

By some great miracle, Sunyul has made steady progress, much better than the doctors had anticipated. A recent brain scan has shown that a lot of the abnormalities in his brain had resolved. After being discharged from hospital, he has spent time in a rehabilitation centre where he has been getting the function back in his arms and legs. They go see him every day, but day visits are only 30 minutes so either Geonhak or Seoho goes. On weekends, they take Sunyul and spend time together as a family. He has gotten so much better that it’s almost impossible to tell that he has had so much happen to him in the last 6 months. Apart from some weakness in his right arm and leg and a slight stutter in his speech, he didn’t really have any residual signs of his injury. As for intellectual development, the neurorehab doctors are hopeful that he will catch up to his age soon enough.

This was more than they could have hoped for. They had already prepared themselves for a son who probably wouldn’t be able to walk again or would have debilitating disability. Either way, it doesn't matter because they love him the same. 

The day Sunyul is supposed to come home, Seoho wakes them up at the crack of dawn and goes through a whole cleaning regime. Geonhak just silently follows orders because he can see how nervous his husband is and he wants everything to be perfect. He makes the mistake of commenting that Sunyul couldn’t possibly care about the cleanliness of their oven and is hastily repaid with a quick smack to his head.

They of course get to the rehab centre two hours early and have to wait in the waiting room while the doctors do their final check-up of Sunyul.

“Dr Kim, Dr Lee, your son is ready.” One of the nurses hold the curtains open and Sunyul, their tiny little Sunyul, comes running towards them with a million-watt smile. 

A big smile appears on his face as he kneels down and opens his arms widely and Sunyul jumps straight into his chest, giggling.

“D-daddy!” he cries, latching onto his neck.

At that moment, he finally breaks down. He cries shamelessly, holding onto his son. He has seen him almost everyday for the past 6 months but it feels different because he knows he doesn’t have to leave after 30 minutes and Sunyul is finally coming home. His family is complete again.

“Sunyul-ah.” Seoho has been crying for the last half an hour already so he quickly transfers Sunyul to his arms, where he snuggles into his chest.

“P-papa, I can go h-home now! I-I can play with S-sunjae and I-I can p-play with you and d-daddy.”

His eyes are huge with excitement and Geonhak's heart constricts with joy. On the ride back home, Sunyul talks nonstop, even though he stutters and stumbles over his words, but he keeps talking about all the friends he has made at the rehab centre and how he has promised to go and see Dongwoo and Sungyeol because they are staying there for a bit longer.

“C-can we get D-dongwoo a toy dinosaur because he loves d-dinosaurs?”

Geonhak chuckles. “Of course we can do that for your friend.”

“A-and Dr Namu said he will give me l-lemon candies next time I s-see him.”

He and Seoho exchange glances - they’re not sure how they feel about Sunyul calling Dr Nam Woohyun Dr Namu but if he doesn't mind, it couldn’t be all bad.

Despite there being almost no traffic, Seoho drives extra slowly.

“If you drive any slower, the joggers will overtake us,” Geonhak teases him at one point, earning him a dirty glare.

“I’m being cautious.”

Turning back in his seat, he tells his son, “Sunyul-ah, do you want to sing the snail song?”

Clapping his hands, Sunyul launches into the ‘snail song’, much to Seoho’s chagrin. When they stop at a red light, Seoho punches him on the arm.

“P-papa, don’t hurt d-daddy,” Sunyul comes to his rescue, pouting.

“Sunyul-ah, your papa was being mean to me when you were gone,” he complains.

Shaking his head gravely, Sunyul lectures them, “P-papa and d-daddy must not fight. P-papa, please don’t h-hurt daddy, he l-loves you so m-much.” He holds out his arms to the farthest ends possible to show how much Geonhak supposedly loves Seoho. “You c-cannot fight. Dr Namu says it’s b-bad to fight. Y-youngjo uncle says we s-shouldn’t fight with each other and there should o-only be p-peace in the w-world.”

Groaning, Seoho steps on the gas, causing the car to accelerate while Geonhak fist-bumps Sunyul.

“Our Sunyullie is so smart!”

The reunion between Sunyul and Sunjae brings tears to his eyes again. The twins hug each other, not letting go for several minutes.

Hyejin, who was babysitting Sunjae while they were picking Sunyul up, pulls him into her arms and cries.

“Noona, please don’t,” Seoho comforts her, patting her on the head.

Sunyul holds onto her for a long time before finally letting her go. Pulling him by the hand, Sunjae takes Sunyul straight to their playroom and shows him all the new toys while Geonhak drags his suitcase and box of toys all the way to the twins’ room.

“I should go now,” Hyejin tells them.

“No, stay for dinner,” Seoho insists. “I-this is the least I can do for you.”

Shaking her head, she says, “Not today. Spend your day as a family today. I’ll come tomorrow and spend all day with them.”

Understandably, the twins are exceptionally loud and giggly and messy. For once, Seoho doesn’t say anything about the mess they’re making even though he has polished the flat only this morning.

They watch fondly as the twins exchange stories and play with each other’s new toys. It doesn’t take them long to argue over a toy or a game and they come running to Geonhak to mediate.

“Sunyullie, didn’t you say daddy and papa shouldn’t fight? We promise to not fight if you guys don’t.”

“Sorry d-daddy,” Sunyul climbs up onto his knees and hugs him. Sunyul knows his weaknesses too well; he will have a hard time saying no to this kid in the future. He might even convince him to sell his kidney.

“Papa,” Sunjae pouts, putting his arms up. Seoho picks him up and sits down beside Geonhak.

“Okay, you guys need to make up now. Apologise, kiss, and hug.”

“I’m sowwy,” Sunyul says, putting out a hand.

Grabbing it and shaking it, Sunjae replies, “I’m sorry too.”

“That’s my boys. Now promise to never fight again.”

Linking their little fingers, they pinkie promise to never fight again. It’s so adorable that Geonhak regrets not taking a video.

“And what do you say to your brother?”

“I l-love you, J-jae-ah.” Sunyul grabs Sunjae’s cheeks and pecks him on the lips.

“I love you too!” Sunjae is shy but he returns the peck.

“I knew you were good boys!”

“Now it’s your turn, p-papa.”

Seoho raises his eyes eyebrows at the sudden demand, causing Geonhak to cackle loudly.

“What do you mean my turn?”

“You and d-daddy also need to m-make up.”

“For what?”

“You f-fought in the car,” Sunyul shakes his head wisely. He’s determined to ensure that his parents have adequately made up after their fight.

“It wasn’t a fight-” Seoho tries to explain but Sunyul is not having it and even Sunjae joins in. “Fine, come here,” Seoho says glumly.

“Nooo, papa, you have to smile. And you have to promise to never fight.”

Almost falling out of the sofa in laughter at how easily the twins used their own medicine against them, Geonhak puts his little finger out.

“I promise to never fight with you again, ever, my love.”

“You’re enjoying this too much, aren’t you?” Seoho mutters under his breath before intertwining his pinkie finger with his and repeating the same words.

“Now k-kiss!” the twins chorus excitedly.

“Come here darling.” Cupping his cheek, Geonhak pulls Seoho towards him, kissing him on the lips. He keeps the pressure on for a few moments, before deepening the kiss and trying to slip him the tongue but Seoho presses on his shoulder warningly and pulls away. The message is clear - they're not about to make out in front of their children. 

The twins clap happily.

“Yay, papa loves daddy!”

“Aha, your papa is obsessed with daddy,” Geonhak says with a playful smile, watching Seoho roll his eyes. “Shall I tell you about how we met?”

“Y-yes, yes, yes!”

“So we met at a karaoke and your papa was blushing so hard when he saw me because I was so handsome and cool-”

“I’m going to go and start chopping the vegetables.” Getting off the sofa and putting Sunjae down in his seat, Seoho pads into the kitchen, glaring at him from afar.

“Daddy, is papa going to cook today?” Sunjae whispers conspiratorially when Seoho is safely out of earshot.

“No baby, it’s my turn to cook today, papa is just going to help by chopping the vegetables.”

“Yay! I like your cooking better than papa's.”

Even though he wants to crack up, he shushes his son hurriedly. It is true that some of Seoho’s recipes are questionable and he will never understand his taste buds, but he will raise all hell if he hears it.

“Don’t say that in front of papa, okay? He will be sad.”

“I don’t want to make papa sad,” Sunjae nods thoughtfully.

“Good, always remember to compliment your papa’s cooking, okay? You’ll make him happy.”

“I want to go and help him!”

“B-but I want to hear how papa and d-daddy met,” Sunyul protests.

“We can do both.”

Grabbing both of his children under his arms, he makes his way to the kitchen where Seoho is wielding a particularly sharp knife and making his way through carrots and spring onions. Putting them down on their chairs, he puts a plate of grapes in front of them and tells them to tear them off the branches.

“This will help papa?” Sunjae asks.

“Yes, it will help me very much,” Seoho assures him.

“D-daddy, tell us the story!”

“Right, where was I? Yes, your papa thought I was very handsome and then he started singing a song and I thought he had the voice of an angel.”

From the corner of his eyes, he sees Seoho’s lips turn up as he starts cutting the peppers.

“His voice was angelic and when he sang, he looked so peaceful and pretty, I was mesmerized.”

“What does mesmerized mean?” Sunjae asks.

“I couldn’t take my eyes off him. It was like he had cast a spell on me.”

“Like in F-frozen?”

“Yep, like in Frozen. It’s almost like your papa was Elsa.”

“P-papa is p-prettier than E-elsa.”

Seoho’s smile is getting bigger and bigger.

“T-then what happened?”

“I asked for your papa’s number but he was being mean and didn’t want to give me his contact.”

“Why?”

“Because he was playing hard to get.” Seoho rolls his eyes again as he washes the potatoes in the sink.

“What does playing hard to get mean?” Sunjae wonders.

“It means your papa was pretending that he didn’t like me but he was actually hopelessly in love with me-”

“Okay, are you going to start cooking or should I just do it?” Seoho interrupts loudly.

“Daddy should cook!” Sunaje chimes in.

Seoho narrows his eyes. “Why?”

“B-because I want you to sit beside me, p-papa, I-I miss you,” Sunyul hits him with the wide eyes and pout and he softens immediately.

Geonhak both fears and admires the quick wit of his son.

“Yes, your papa can finish the rest of the story.”

“Yay!”

“Right, so forget everything your daddy said. When I saw your daddy for the first time, I thought he was weird and I didn’t even care about him for the first couple of months but he just followed me around like a lost puppy and-”

Suppressing a smile, Geonhak gets busy cooking. He feels complete again. The house feels full; everything in its place.


	17. Last Song

It’s a long case but Seoho is running on four cups of freshly brewed coffee that Changmin kindly keeps sneaking into the operation theatre. The surgeons are busy at work as he watches the monitor, topping up the medications, and speaking to Changmin in low tones.

He thinks about the twins, fast asleep at home, and Geonhak alone in their bed. Luckily, they have not been put on night duty at the same time again so at least one of them can stay home overnight. Tonight is actually the first time in a couple of months that he’s been called out during the night. There has been a major road traffic accident and at least two patients had to be taken to theatre for urgent surgery.

It’s 4am when the surgeons finish and it takes him another half an hour to wake the patient up and be happy with how stable she is.

“You okay driving home, boss?” Changmin asks him as he gets changed.

“After all the coffee I’ve had, I’m sure I won’t be able to fall asleep.”

“Why don’t you get your man to come and get you?”

Seoho laughs. Only Changmin ever calls Geonhak his man. It’s oddly strange to hear, even though it’s technically true.

“No, the twins will be home alone.”

“Oh yeah.” Changmin stuffs his scrubs in the used bin and pulls a hoodie over his head. “How’s Sunyul?”

“Better than we could have hoped for.” Seoho taps his phone – his lockscreen is a recent picture of Geonhak and the twins that he took when they went out for a picnic. Sunyul is sat atop Geonhak’s shoulder, holding onto his hair, and Sunjae is against his legs, mischievous giggles on their faces.

Every time he needs a moment to himself, he comes back to this picture. All along, Geonhak has been his anchor, but now he’s found two more. This is whole world, right here.

“They are adorable,” Changmin coos. “They’re really getting taller now.”

“I know, they come up to my knees now!” Seoho agrees. “We’re getting them new beds this weekend.”

“Ah, domestic bliss.”

Seoho grunts. “I never thought domestic bliss would suit me.”

Changmin cocks his head to a side. “You look happier though. Have you heard Kim Hyojin has resigned?”

He nods slowly. He knows very well. In fact, the hospital had wanted to dismiss him. He was the one who had asked the board to ask him to resign instead, a last chance for him to build his career elsewhere. Ever since Keonhee had found the two of them in Hyojin’s office, he had made his personal agenda to get Hyojin dismissed. Once Geonhak had found out about the things Hyojin had said to him when he was vulnerable, he had almost wanted to strangle him and Seoho and Youngjo had to calm him down. That day Seoho had actually pulled a muscle trying to restrain Geonhak.

He now feels nothing for Hyojin, he is past the point of hating him. There is the little element of he actually helped look after Sunyul medically and did a good job. But that doesn’t redeem him. No, Kim Hyojin he never wishes to meet again.

Everyone knows that Hyojin has wronged him somehow but they don’t know exactly what’s happened apart from Geonhak, Keonhee, and Youngjo. He wants to keep it that way.

He is glad he has friends he can trust and count on. During everything they’ve been through, his parents didn’t come to see him or ask after Sunyul even once. When they heard what’s happened, his mother had called to say that this was a way of God punishing him and that he should leave Geonhak. That had been the last straw – he had asked his mother to never call him again.

By the time he drives back to the flat, he starts to feel sleepy. He tiptoes into the twins’ room and finds them sleeping peacefully. In his bedroom, he quickly changes into soft pajamas that Geonhak has laid out for him. He pulls across the heavy curtains as the light of dawn has started to shine weakly.

Geonhak is a deep sleeper and he tries to make the minimum noise possible, so when he finally crawls into bed and pulls on the blanket, he thinks his husband is still sleeping. But as soon as he covers himself with the blanket, he feels Geonhak’s arms wrap around him, pulling him into his body. It feels nice because of how warm Geonhak’s body is and all his weariness starts to fizzle out.

“You took long.” Geonhak’s voice is low, but his half-asleep whisper is even lower and for some reason, incredibly attractive.

“It was a long surgery,” he says, trying not to think about his husband’s voice. He needs to sleep and Geonhak will need to wake up in another hour to get the kids ready and get to work.

“Did you drive back okay?” Geonhak yawns loudly, which thankfully has the opposite effect to his low gravelly voice.

“I’m back in one piece, aren’t I?”

“Do you always have to be so feisty?”

Laughing, Seoho turns around to face his husband, who still has his eyes closed, a bit of stubble growing under his chin.

He pecks him on the lips, causing his eyes to open.

“You wouldn’t like me if I was all vanilla, would you?”

Smiling, Geonhak pulls his head into his chest.

“Lee Seoho, I’d like you whether you’re vanilla or bubble gum or rocky road – it doesn’t matter.”

“For someone who doesn’t like sweet stuff you know an awful lot of ice cream flavours.”

“You do realise we are raising children, right?”

“I’m raising children,” Seoho corrects him, “I feel like you’re just being a child with them.”

“Shut up and sleep, I can’t take any more of your spiciness.”

Giggling into his chest, Seoho shuts his eyes. He could get used to domestic bliss.

As he prepares lunch, in his mind, he is thinking about everything he has packed and if he has missed anything out. Shoes, clothes, underwear, toiletries…should he have packed two extra sets of clothes, just in case? He should pack an extra toothbrush for each of them, just in case the hotel doesn’t provide any.

“Baby, you need to let go of my leg or else I can't reach the oven,” Seoho tells his son softly. Sunjae has this habit of latching onto his leg, as if he is a koala, when he is doing something. It’s probably one of the new cartoons the twins have started watching.

“But papa, I will miss you when you’re gone.”

“It’s only for a week, baby. And you’ll be with auntie Hyejin,” he coos, aware that his son has still not let go. Perhaps knowing that they are going away on a trip is making him more needy than usual. “Don’t you want to go and play with Sunyul?”

“Sunyul’s napping and I’m bored.”

Sunyul sometimes needs extra naps as all the activities tire him out pretty quickly. Like today, Sunjae has gotten up from his nap earlier and is restless.

“Why don’t you do your homework then?”

“It’s booooooring.” Sunaje rubs his head against his leg. “Papa, do you know where babies come from?”

“Well, that sounds like a question for daddy.” Seoho walks over to the fridge, Sunaje holding onto his leg for dear life, causing him to drag his right foot. He checks the shelves, making sure there is no leftover food or groceries, they would go off in one week, making the fridge smell.

“Papa, daddy says he loves you more than you love him, is it true?”

“Don’t think so,” he replies absent-mindedly, measuring out the salt and pepper to add to the tofu stew. Recently, the twins have learned to complain about his food, Geonhak joining in on some occasions. The ungrateful bunch.

“Daddy said you’re his sun, moon, and stars. How can a person be sun, moon, and stars, papa?”

Tasting a spoonful of stew, he internally shakes his head. Geonhak has been feeding the kids cheesy lines that are thoroughly embarrassing. Because of this, the kids have repeated the lines in school, causing Hyejin to comment that they are having their second honeymoon. Sunyul has also confided in all of this to Dr Namu and Youngjo uncle, who now both smile meaningfully, when they meet them. At 33, Seoho feels like hiding under a rock. But the more embarrassed he gets, the more Geonhak enjoys it and encourages it.

Thankfully, he hears the door open.

“Daddy’s home,” Seoho tells Sunjae.

“Daddy!” Sungjae lets go of his leg instantly and hops out of the kitchen in mere seconds.

He can hear giggling from the living room as he tries to think what’s missing from the stew. He hears Sunjae chirping animatedly and Geonhak’s replies in his low voice.

“Geonhak-ah? Can you check your suitcase, please? Make sure I’ve packed everything?” he calls out.

“As you wish, boss,” comes the reply.

“Is papa your boss at work, daddy?”

“Not at work, Sunjae-ah. But he is the boss everywhere else.”

That piece of lie will obviously make the rounds in the kindergarten and Sunyul’s hospital, no doubt.

After everyone is fed and Seoho has checked their packed suitcases once more, they drop the twins off at Hyejin’s place.

“I’m so glad you’re doing this,” Hyejin caresses Geonhak’s hair. “You deserve this so much. You’ve not taken a vacation for a year and a half now.”

“Thanks noona, I’m so glad you can look after the kids,” Seoho tells her, genuinely grateful.

“Don’t worry about them. Just enjoy your time in Japan, okay?”

Sunjae and Sunyul cry a bit – this is the first time they will be staying a whole week away from them. Their tears only dry when they promise to bring back Pokémon plushies and Digimon cards.

“Remember, papa loves you both very much.”

Giving them one last hug, Seoho gets into the car, and almost drives off without Geonhak.

“They’ll be fine,” Geonhak assures him, once in the car.

“I know, I know,” he bites his lips.

It has taken him a lot of courage to finally agree to this trip. Even now, sometimes he wakes up sweaty, Sunyul’s cries of ‘help’ raw in his ears. It’s something he can’t control. Geonhak knows, because sometimes he feels his arms drape around him while he is pretending to sleep and his hand caressing his hair in a reassuring manner.

His husband has not pressured him about the trip at all, he has let him take his time to come to terms with it. He knows he is not being a bad parent by going on a trip but he can’t help but worry. He trusts Hyejin of course, because she has been as emotionally scarred by Sunyul’s accident as they have. Accident. Yes, he can say that. To think at point it was difficult for him to accept that it was an accident and not someone’s fault.

But having Geonhak by him means he can sometimes let go of control, because he knows he will steer the ship and look after him. He has learned to let go of things more, knowing Geonhak will be there to pick up the pieces. It’s not easy, and in no way he is perfect, but it’s a work in progress, as he likes to call it.

Work is stressful as always, but luckily, they have managed to get some leave at the same time. It involved emotionally blackmailing Sanghyun and begging their co-workers to swap shifts with them. Yuna has picked up a whole weekend shift for him, bless her soul. He shudders to think what would have happened without the support of their friends.

“I’m sorry,” Seoho says for the fourth time. They have arrived at the airport 5 hours early, and it’s all because he is so anxious about being late.

It always happens, they are always the first to arrive at parties or conferences or at airports. He feels so guilty, watching Geonhak dozing off in his chair. They could have easily slept a bit longer.

“Hey, nothing to be sorry about.”

“You could’ve slept in a bit longer.”

“We’re going on vacation, plenty of time to sleep.” Geonhak puts an arm around him, pulling him closer. “Besides, this lounge is great. And it’s just you and me.”

They turn down the waiter who offers them champagne.

“I miss them already,” he says, pulling his cellphone out to look at the wallpaper – it’s Sunjae and Sunyul, dressed in their school uniform, hugging. They look adorable.

“They’ll be fine,” Geonhak promises, pushing the phone down before hooking a finger under his chin and tilting his face upwards. “Why don’t you just focus on me?”

Grinning, he tilts his head sideways and kisses him. Seoho enjoys the warm feeling, the brush of his lips against his. As the kiss becomes more urgent and he feels Geonhak’s tongue trying to make an entrance, he breaks off, looking around hurriedly.

“What?”

“We can’t do this here,” he waves his hand around. “There are people here.”

“So? They don’t know us.”

“You’re 32, please act like it,” he rebukes him.

Geonhak suddenly gets up and straddles him.

“What the-”

“Let me show the sexy side of a 32-year old.”

As he tries to fight his husband off of him, giggling and cursing under his breath, he hears footsteps approaching.

“Wow, simply wow!” someone exclaims.

“Oh you’re here.” Geonhak finally lets him go and stands up, straightening his shirt.

“You don’t sound very pleased,” Keonhee remarks, smiling smugly. “I guess we are interrupting something.”

“Geonhak’s being an ass, ignore him,” Seoho says, patting the seat beside him.

“Did you guys get here early?” Youngjo asks, smiling.

“Not that early, about 5 hours.”

“Oh, it’s getting better,” Keonhee says enthusiastically. Seoho hits him on the shoulder, causing him to wince and throw a fuss.

Like a good husband, Youngjo starts massaging the spot, cooing over him.

Seoho rolls his eyes; surely Youngjo knows he couldn’t have hit him that hard.

“I’m so glad we’re doing this though,” Keonhee admits. “I love Japan!”

“Even though you’ve never been?”

Rolling his eyes, Keonhee says, “You don’t have to be somewhere to know you like it. I have the whole trip planned. We’re going to go to so many places-”

“They are all restaurants or some sort of place that serves food.” Youngjo warns them.

“So what?” Keonhee frowns.

“Just letting them know.” Youngjo strokes his hair fondly. “I don’t have any problem at all.”

“I think I’ve gained some weight,” Keonhee says sadly.

“Not at all!” Youngjo interjects before they can say anything. “You look perfect. It doesn’t matter even if you’ve gained weight, because you look beautiful.”

Seoho and Geonhak exchange a glance, smiling. Youngjo and Keonhee are well-known for being super romantic, even after all these years. That’s quite different to how they are. Seoho is not big at public displays of affection and Geonhak clams up whenever there are people he knows around.

Even just from how they are sat, anyone can tell that the two couples are very different.

Youngjo is sat next to Keonhee but has his arms wrapped around his midsection, and Keonhee’s hand is on top of his, while the other is on his thigh. They look like a unit, a package deal. Whereas Seoho and Geonhak are sat on their seats, not touching, almost scared to move so that they’re not sitting too close.

Their relationships are different, but it doesn’t mean one is superior than the other.

“It’s a shame Hwanwoong and Dongju couldn’t join us,” Geonhak comments.

“They’re in their honeymoon phase, they won’t enjoy hanging out with other people at this time,” Keonhee retorts.

Hwanwoong and Dongju have finally put the casual ‘will they-won’t they’ and become engaged. It was a long time coming and their friends all sighed with relief when the two of them finally accepted the fact that they are a couple and moved in together.

“Do you know when they’re getting married?”

“Yeo Hwanwoong wants to get married next winter but I think Dongju might be thinking about spring,” Keonhee shrugs. “Word of advice, if they ask you when is a good time to get married, don’t answer. It’s a trap and they’ll start fighting over it.”

“Were Sunjae and Sunyul okay about you guys going away?” Youngjo asks.

“They were sad but they’ll be fine. Especially when we bring back presents.”

“They are so cute!” Keonhee exclaims. “I think they like me more than Hwanwoong now.”

“They love Dongju because he always plays the princess and they get to be the knights and save him from the dragon,” Seoho iterates.

“I’m the dragon,” Geonhak mutters sadly.

“You guys are really good parents,” Youngjo says, “Every time Sunyul comes for a check-up, he just won’t stop talking about daddy this and papa that.”

Geonhak places a hand on his lap. It’s casual, but he knows it’s a reminder. A reminder that he is a good parent, a good husband.

“Gosh, I hope our daughter is half as much attached to us.”

“So when is she coming home?”

Keonhee and Youngjo have finally signed the papers to adopt a beautiful 2-year-old girl. They had come over to discuss it with them when they were considering it, asking questions and worrying about whether they can handle it. Seoho had assured them.

“Look, Youngjo hyung is a hero to all his patents and they are all under 16. And you Keonhee, you could even entertain a wild tiger, so I have no doubts that you two will make absolutely amazing parents.”

His previous worries about them being not grounded enough had vanished. He had come to accept that not everyone will have the same relationship he and Geonhak has but that doesn’t mean they are any worse off or less capable of being parents.

“In a month. I’ve never been so nervous.”

“Seoho didn’t sleep for a week when we were expecting Sunjae and Sunyul,” Geonhak reminisces fondly.

“I didn’t sleep for a week after they arrived either.”

“The important thing is, the moment you have your children in your arms, you forget everything.”

“We will believe you,” Keonhee sighs, “I’m worried Sunny will be jealous.”

“Sunny is a good boy, he won’t be jealous,” Youngjo tuts.

They keep chatting until it’s time for them to board the plane. They settle down in their business class seats, accepting the soft blankets they’re offered but turning down the drinks.

“I’m going to have a nap,” Geonhak declares.

“You do that,” Seoho mutters absent-mindedly. He hates flying. Just another thing that’s wildly out of his control. He feels suffocated, in this giant metal container. There is no escape, no chance of pushing a button and getting off mid-air. And turbulence – that just throws him straight into panic attack. The few hours he will be stuck here is pure torture, but it will be worth it, in the end.

“Hey,” Geonhak’s voice is warm in his ear. His husband’s hand snake above his belly and grips his hand tightly. “I’m here, okay? Just remember to breathe. I’m always here, for you.”

With a faint smile, he looks out of the window. It’s ridiculous how a few whispered words from Geonhak makes such a huge difference to how he feels. He interlocks his fingers with Geonhak’s. he will squeeze it and scratch it when they take-off, but Geonhak knows that very well. He won’t mind.

“Lee Seoho.”

“What?” For someone who wants to take a nap, he sure is talkative.

“I won’t let anything happen to you. That’s a promise.”

He breathes, in, and out, like Geonhak tells him to.

“I will hold you to that promise.”


End file.
